Catastrophizing

Post Reply New Topic

Well, even though things are going pretty well for us, and DS is learning to address his differences head-on, we still have our moments. Of late, out moments involve going to school, preparing for school...pretty much anything to do with school.

While I do know that school is very difficult for DS - and have told him that I understand school is really hard, I don't think that's what the problem is in this instance. I think the anticipation of going to school has become far, far bigger than anything that happens in school, and we get sobbing and refusal and generally he gets himself off to a bad start.

The reason I don't think it's actually school (which, yes, it has been in the past) is because he's OK once he gets there, and he's not coming home explosive - he's fine until we do homework (and then the stress is short-lived, it just lasts until the homework is done, no major explosions) and then he's fine through the morning until the actual leaving-for-school part. At that point we have sobbing, sometimes he'll refuse to get going and we have to just start walking out of the house to get him to follow, and he cries the whole way there...until he gets in the door, where he often brightens up (though that's probably because he doesn't want other kids to know at least half the time.)

Don't get me wrong - I'm not trying to minimize what he goes through in a school day, and I can see why he anticipates the worst. However, things have changed significantly since the beginning of the year: bullies have been dealt with (even DS acknowledges this,) teachers are more accommodating, students in his class are aware of his difference and he reports that they are cutting him some slack. The sensory issues remain, of course - and we do have an issue about math that needs to be addressed (he uses one of his "escape" cards every day during math and the teacher has decided to stop him - I am realizing that he is escaping because he can't process the verbal information, because somehow he's learning math even though he left the classroom.) He reports playing with other kids at recess, and is regularly invited for playdates. He's getting services for pragmatics at school, he's allowed to go in before all the other kids to avoid the noisy hallway - things are better. Not perfect, but better.

So, here's my concern - I want to keep acknowledging that things are difficult for him because I think it's important that he has someone who understands - but I don't want him to spend all his time focusing on the negatives and building up this dread about going to school. Anybody have any advice to help him with this downward spiral? This happens whenever he is dreading anything - even if it's something he wants to do but is concerned about (going somewhere with friends.)

I think I have more empathy than solutions. Your description is very much like my more or less NT daughter. Anxiety, perfectionism ... really tough to combat. You can't just be perky about it, because that seems like a lie to them, and you can't let them wallow in it, either. I try to recognize it, validate it, and then say the equivalent of, "time to get through it, move on, deal." Said nicely and patiently, of course. They may well face this obstacle all their lives, it is a part of who they are, and they are going to have to sort out how to win the internal battle. Well ... that is how I see it with my daughter, anyway. I just can't do it for her, it's all within her own mind. She has come to the point where she intellectually understands that her anxieties are out of proportion to reality but, in a way, that makes it worse, because now she feels stupid for not being able to control them. But day after day she eventually does, and I try to point out to her all the times she has successfully pushed through, and how good it feels.

Is it possible to institute some kind of calming down routine at jsut before you head out the door to school? It sounds like if he could just make some kind of really positive connection to override the negative ones, he would be able to get through the transition to school or be able to sit through math class. My son has a similar situation. We have been going to gymnastics class on Tuesday afternoons after school since Sept. Just recently he started saying that he doesn't want to go and we have a similar scene of sobbing, etc. As soon as he gets there, after much coaxing to get him out of hte car, he bolts out on to the floor with the other kids and has a fantastic time. The one thing I finally landed on to motivate him to get out of the car was I told him that he could ask the instructor if he could do his favorite activity some time during the lesson. When he asked her and she said yes, he was ecstatic! Is there any part of the school day that he does really like that you could leverage to convince him that its not all bad?

Thank you - yes, that's basically what I've been doing; just wanted some feedback that I wasn't somehow making things worse. It's really hard to find the balance of between brushing it off, being supportive, and exacerbating it. I'm also terrified of what will happen when he finally figures out I have no real way to make him go to school if he decides not to go - he really needs the school right now, even if it's hard.

We had a really bad morning the other day - missed an alarm, DS spilled cereal and then flung it all over the room, I yelled instead of being supportive (I did apologize as soon as we were both calm,) he wound up falling in a pile face-down on the floor sobbing, and I had a really tough time getting him to walk to the car - he cried the whole way there, but I told him that maybe it would be a "phoenix day," that a better day might rise out of the ashes of this really bad morning. (I warned his teacher he'd had a tough morning just in case.)

He left school seeming happy, so I asked how his day went, and if it had been a phoenix day. He immediately said it was a bad day (but I could tell he wasn't telling the truth, ) so I pressed him on it, and he finally grudgingly admitted it had been a good day and I'd been right.

Things I was thinking that would work with my son, popping bubble wrap, counting to 100, I think I am going to start posting little comics on the wall at his eye level by the door because he will read anything that comes into his field of view when he is stressed, to the exclusion of paying attention to anything else. I think if it is something short and funny it would fill up those few moments right before walking out the door with something humorous which would serve to both fill that brief time and, hopefully, lighten the mood. Don't know if anything like that would work for you.

Mama, at the beginning of the year I'd have agreed with you 100% - and at this point, I'm not saying school is a walk in the park.

However, things have improved incredibly...plus the really scary behaviors DS had when I joined this forum have all but disappeared. All this together leads me to believe that this isn't about him holding in a bad day at school (he doesn't really do a great job at that - I mean, he can hold it together AT school, but when he get home, it's Katie Bar The Door - his therapist used to describe it as being like holding a beach ball under water. Now, we aren't seeing meltdowns after school at all.) I've got some more work to do at the school, but at the moment it looks like the stresses are at a relatively tolerable level. (I'm terrified of Middle School, however - but we've got a year before I have to worry about it.)

Popping bubble wrap is a really interesting idea - I think if we had a distraction, that might do it - plus I can limit the amount of bubble wrap by cutting it into strips; DS needs something with a definitive beginning and an end. I might try that; thank you!

That's exactly what I was thinking, cut a big sheet of bubble wrap into small squares or strips and have it in a box in a handy place near the door where you can reach it but he can't. Once that one strip is popped then its out the door!

Good luck!

momsparky, I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for you, but I can tell you that we have the same battle in our house every morning Mostly I just keep repeating "we're on our way, let's go" and try not to lose my cool (some days are better than others).

I love the idea of the bubble wrap - I think I will try that with my son right after he puts his shoes on (and before he starts screaming because his socks don't feel right!).

cutiecrystalmom

We're waiting for somebody to really come out with spray-on socks, ourselves: http://www.veoh.com/watch/v219511QzSkNXXJ

Seriously, we took DS to the store and opened up several packages of socks (which we bought, don't worry - the discards were donated to the school clothing drive) and had him try them on until we found an acceptable pair. Another option - for us it's usually the seams; do an online search for "seamless socks." A lot of autism/sensory-specific stores sell them.

We've tried all different kinds of socks. For about two years, he was comfortable with Joe Boxer socks (good thing they lasted a long time, so expensive!), then all of a sudden they were awful for him. We've now switched to another type, but haven't had quite the same success. I did find some info on seamless socks online, and have been thinking of ordering them up, although again, they are super expensive. But I guess it's one of those pay the money vs. put up with meltdowns situations...at least summer is almost here and it will be barefoot season. Love the spray on socks thanks for sharing

cutiecrystalmom

Awesome! I love the addition of making the bubble a bad thought and popping it. That's perfect!

This probably isn't going to stop until he's done with school, or in a school environment which he feels he has more control in. Getting to school is not only a big transitionatory process, but he's transitioning from a safe environment to a stressful environment, and as well meaning as you are, I'm not sure you can really understand how stressful it is for him because I think there are very few times in life when most people are going to encounter such stress. Perhaps if you traveled to a very different culture or worked in a very hostile environment, but for most people, even the ones who didn't like school, it was still tolerable to them. They still usually had something they liked about it.

I was "fine" when I got there too, but I actually just retreated into my own little world, and spent as much time as I could at the drinking fountain, in the bathroom, or staring at my work. I spent much of the day waiting for it to be over. What they consider "not fine" is when the child acts out, and their idea of "fine" and "not fine" has nothing to do with how the child is actually coping internally.

Are there any children in the class who he is actually friends with and who he actually looks forward to seeing and playing with? Socialization is usually the number one reason a child who likes school likes it, or that children who don't like it find it tolerable, but this aspect is usually missing for those with AS, either because they don't actually have friends at school, or they don't get the same enjoyment that most people do by socializing with them.