Anxiety over going to stay over with family

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I am having problems with my 5yo daughter, she is going to her Grandmas tomorrow night for a sleep over, being picked up from school. Every time Grandma (my mother in law, who is in denial about the AS) wants to have her its organised between her and my husband. My husband goes away a lot for work and its usually a week when he is away so its me that gets the agro. My little girl always gets upset about having going, she starts to panic 4 or 5 days before and the night before she ends up in floods of tears, wont sleep and begs me to not let Grandma take her, she doesn't have a reason. However, in front of Grandma she's fine, and while she's there she's fine and usually ends up having a nice time. I feel awful, I want to help her but Grandma doesn't listen to either of us, she gets what she wants and will go ahead and take her anyway saying she will be fine when she gets there. Once when she picked her up from my house (not from school so I was there to see) Grandma had to battle with my daughter who was screaming and begging not to go, but she just grabbed her and put her in the car anyway. I just had to go back in the house and cry! But apparently 5 minutes down the road she was fine and enjoyed her stay, although Grandma would say that regardless. I think Grandma has AS too and is very single minded, she has an answer for everything, just like my daughter and I'm caught in the middle. Any techniques for calming her down? I don't feel like I can approach my mother in law as she is in denial and it would cause huge arguments in the family, which would all be blamed on me as she thinks I'm not tough enough on her as it is. By the way my mother in law used to teach SEVERELY autistic children so this is why she denies the AS, in her black and white view you either have severe autism or you are fine, no in between Thanks.

Oh wow, this sounds familiar. No idea how to fix it, but you're definitely not alone. For my four year old it is my step-mom, his Mimi, that causes this reaction. He will scream and beg not to go, cry when she comes to get him. As soon as he is over there, though, he is fine. He loves their big house, seeing my dad, their animals, baking (they let him sit on the counter top and get covered with flour--he thinks it's cool). They feed him cookies and generally spoil him rotten. My big kids have been over with him, so it isn't just her saying he is fine, they've seen it. When I go to pick him up half the time he is too busy to even want to come home. Yet even mention the word Mimi when he isn't over there and freaks out.

Do you really have to let her have unsupervised visitation? Is your husband insistent? Easy for me to say, but can you make him deal with the consequences and put your foot down and say he can't schedule it unless he is the one to deal with your daughter not wanting to go?

Also, does your daughter tell you she likes it or just your MIL? If your daughter really does like it, and just has adjustment/leaving home fears that is one thing, but if she really does not want to go, I would not force her.

If it truly is an adjustment issue--maybe YOUR HUSBAND can stay there with her until she settles down.

I understand. Well, have you tried social stories and role play to kind of prepare her between visits and give her confidence. My son hates to leave the house. He has finally gotten to where it is not such a big deal when he has been there before and it is not when he feel "entitled" to be home, but it has taken awhile. It might nauseate you to play your MIL, in a role play, but you could maybe make it fun for yourself by exaggerating stuff she does. Heck, your daughter might think it is funny, too, and as long as you do not go overboard to where it is an out and out mocking, you should be safe.

Social stories are basically stories about pro-social behavior or something that provokes anxiety to make a child more at ease with doing something you think is good for her to do. I half-jokingly refer to it as propaganda, but it kind of is.

http://www.thegraycenter.org/social-sto ... al-stories



There are free ones that others have written on the Internet.
I found this link for a school somewhere which has some links for free social stories.
http://polkdhsd7.sharpschool.com/staff_ ... l_stories/

They are kind of like this: (I am sure you can write or find something better. This is just to give you an idea of how they go. Also you can illustrate them with clip art, so that they are visually appealing.

Going to Grandma's

Sometimes I am nervous when it is time to go to Grandma's house. That is OK.
I love my grandma.
I like to go visit her.
Even when I am nervous to go, I have fun when I get there and I am glad I went.
My grandmother gives me tasty treats. She lets me watch my favorite TV shows.
I have a lot of fun when I am there.

My mommy always gives me as much notice as she can, so I know when I will be going.
That makes me feel less nervous.
I will try to be calm and relaxed when it is time to go to Grandma's.
It will be fun!

Ok that's great I will try that thanks

I can relate. My in-laws are also in denial. It used to make me really mad but I've learned there's nothing I can do or say to change it. But I can protect my kid, and that's what I do. He loves them now, but when he was younger he didn't.

I would start with your husband. Does he see your daughter breakdown about going to grandma's? Also, is it that she really hates it, or is she anxious about the change in routine? Remember too that for her generation, making kids do stuff was considered normal and healthy. For some kids it is.

If you think she really hates sleeping at grandma's, talk to your husband and make it clear that even though he thinks he's helping, it's actually making things much harder. If he arranges it anyway, you can let the school know that they are not allowed to send her home with grandma. Sounds extreme and I'd hate to have to do this with my kids, but if no one is listening to you then you may have to resort to something more extreme.

Good luck,

Ok, I am confused. Does she like it once she has arrived or does she not like it?

If she does not like it, then I think you should scale it back/eliminate the overnights. Is your husband in the same position where he just feels he can't say no, but wants to?

Grandparents should not be dictating terms, even if they look at it like they are doing you some huge favor. I know once they get into the habit it is that much harder to break. Assuming your daughter is not happy once she get there, it is a really bad idea to subject her to it. I would have been very resentful of my parents if they dumped me at Grandma's knowing I did not like it. Thankfully she had no interest in babysitting, so I only got stuck in that situation a couple of times.

I'm with grandma on this. Once she's there, she's fine so it's the lead up that's causing her stress. The lead up is where you need to work on and I think you've been given some good advice. If grandma has experience working with children with lower functioning autism, then your daughter probably isn't so much of a challenge for her.. hence her comment "she's fine". Also, your husband is trying to give you a break and although he's not around when this transition takes place, that's not a situation he has much control over.. work is work. If you avoid letting your daughter go, then she will not be able to cope through her anxiety. She needs to go through the process to overcome it. Safety is not an issue (I hope) and she is visiting family members, which is important.

My advice is to work on the lead up. Find ways where she will feel comfortable with this trip .. could it be the car ride? The route they take? Is there a bridge or tunnel they have to go through, she may not like? You're not asking her to jump into the deep end of the pool. You are encouraging her to step out of her comfort zone in order to make connections with family - and that's important.

I think she enjoys it when she gets there, although she doesn't ever tell me anything about it so I only have Grandmas opinion on that. I think I will try to cut out the sleep overs and just stick to visits as a family, but like you say its not going to be easy to break the cycle She does think she is doing me a big favour when she has her but actually I have a week of agro before and she's really hard work when she gets back too so its actually not worth all the stress for me or my daughter.

I don't think you should cut out the sleep overs. It's a lot of work on you, yes, but you are teaching her valuable skills by letting her sleep over. A person with anxiety should not avoid the trigger of anxiety - in fact, the opposite. The more you face your fears, the easier it will be for you in the long run.

I don't envy you. It must be really hard for you to have to go through this. But, are you wanting to change this visit because it's hard on you or your daughter?