upheaval

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The last week has been incredibly difficult for our son - we are seeing a huge increase in his resistance to going to school, he is not doing his work at school, his frustration tolerance is virtually zero and he is generally very irritable and unhappy. I am attributing most of this behavior to the fact that his dad left us this morning to go work in Alaska for three months. Generally our son doesn't show a lot of love to dad, but he is just oh so unhappy about this. He kept saying this morning "I want to cry, I want to cry" and he would try so hard but the tears just wouldn't materialize. Has this ever happened to any of your kiddos? Giving both our kids big hugs and lots of love today, this going away for work happens every summer, but doesn't get any easier.

I reached my breaking point yesterday, after it took me an hour to convince him to go to class. I am tired and don't know how to help him through this. I made an appointment with his pediatrician for tomorrow to discuss meds. Husband is not all that happy with the idea of meds, but I don't know what else to do? I've tried so many things, strategies, ideas and nothing seems to help. He never wants to leave the house to go anywhere. And I do mean anywhere. He is now vocally refusing to go to gymnastics class, something he was really enjoying. The back and forth arguing, convincing, bargaining is draining me. I'm tired and I feel like I am failing him.

cutiecrystalmom

I think you need to allow him time to process the change and be sad. He simply cannot do that in the midst of business as usual. Discuss with him what his time needs might be and come up with a plan: maybe, two days you can skip school; all week you can skip activities. Ask him if thinks he can process and be adjusted by then.

I know the adult world never stops spinning and somewhere along the way we learn to deal, but kids aren't there yet and shouldn't be forced to be. This a totally natural reaction and, as such, not something to fix with a pill. AS kids, especially, just don't take to being forced into boxes of expectation. You have to invest time in letting them transition. Hugs and love are great but they won't aid him with processing; he needs TIME to be alone in his head or doing the things he does to center himself. IMHO

Oh believe me, I know this cannot be solved with a pill. Sad smile. My worry is that this withdrawing and refusal to leave the house has been going on with greater frequency and intensity over the past few months. He is completely withdrawing from any type of group work at school and very rarely conversing with the children in his class during snack and lunch eating times. He is having more altercations on the playground due to misinterpretation and then gets sent to the office for it. He sees unfairness all around him when the teachers are dealing with him versus other students. We have talked and talked with the school regarding this, and obviously we need to talk some more. And probably start looking at other school options.

In the past, when we have allowed him to miss activities, it usually means a much more intense and physical refusal the next time the activity comes up. To the point of a complete meltdown that lasts for an extended period of time and usually results in missing the activity once again. My worry is that if I pull him from school (he already misses one day a week for OT) that getting him back into the school is going to be even more difficult. I took him to a garden centre a couple weekends ago and he had what I can only describe as a panic attack as we approached the entrance and tried to bolt away from me into the parking lot. This is what is happening as we approach the school in the mornings. And it starts with screaming upon waking "I'm not going to school! I can't go to school!"

I do understand completely what you are saying about the meds, I do. We have always said that we would prefer to know exactly what we are medicating before we go down that road. I want to know from the pediatrician what our options are so I can make an informed decision. I want her to know exactly what kinds of things we are experiencing. We are also going to discuss his referral to a psychiatrist who, hopefully I cried enough on his nurse assistant's ear long enough yesterday to know that we.need.help. after she told me they didn't think the referral was appropriate because there was an autism spectrum query and that needs to be done through a different organization and that won't happen until at least January 2012.

Yes, I know he needs time, and I desperately want to give it to him, but I also do not want him to continue along the path of withdrawal even further.

I do appreciate your thoughts and your concerns about the whole situation. I realize my original post makes it seem like these issues are just happening now, but they have been ongoing, I am just seeing a huge increase in their intensity. And I'm feeling a lil ill equipped to deal with it all. I just want to know what my options are. I feel like I'm a bad mom because I am exploring med options, but I also feel like a bad mom that I am not exploring med options. Does that make sense?

Have you talked with him about the anxiety and panic attacks? How old is he? Yes, the first post made it sound situational; the second sounds more like a developing co-morbid. You do want to sort out the difference becuase the protocols are different. In the later, you could actually do the child a disservice by not medicating the co-morbid ... In the former, you would do the disservice by covering the reaction and not rooting out the trigger ... I'm not making it any easier, am I? But I totally understand your last sentence, because which way it pulls depends on how you are seeing cause, which has probably been see-sawing on different days, if you are anything like me.

Gather all the information, absorb, then shut out the noise and see where your mommy instinct takes you. I don't know any other way to do it.

We have tried talking about the anxiety and panic attacks and he can't really put into words what is going on other than the repetitive "I can't do it. I can't do it." It's horrible. He's 8.5 years old. We've been dealing with this for so long. I was asked to not bring him back to a child care centre when he was one because all he would do is cry. When he went to pre-school (in a private home, with max 10 kids), he was constantly saying he didn't want to go. Kindergarten was the same, to the point I would have to push him into the doorway and the teacher would put her leg across the door so he couldn't escape. Oh, and did I mention he would strip all his clothes off right before it was time to leave for school? thankfully that doesn't happen anymore. I guess this year I am seeing more physical manifestation with the refusal - stomping the feet, trying to bolt, etc.

We did work with a mental health worker for about 2 years, but when we asked to see the department psychiatrist we were refused, because the only reason to see the psychiatrist was to get meds and we weren't willing at that point to explore meds, so... He attended two anxiety groups, the first went okay - he connected with one of the kids there so felt somewhat comfortable. The second time round was with kids who were just a bit older, he made no connections and the physical refusal became even more pronounced. I'm not sure the CBT they were using (deep breathing, turning negative thoughts into positive ones) was getting through to him. I've tried the social stories, they seem to have a bit more of an impact, but like I say, we're seeing an increase.

Mommy instincts are saying it's time to at least look at what our options are. Make sure the docs know exactly what is going on, and hopefully get some idea of what we could be looking at.

He had an okay day at school, but we ended up skipping the gymnastics. I guess the school behavior guy was in today talking with him about the importance of not making excuses, taking responsibility, etc. Valuable info, sure, but maybe not the best day to be having the conversation. Lil guy keeps his heart pretty hidden, but I know how much he was hurting today. He was pretty done at the end of the school day. He actually fell asleep on the way to the gym (his sister went to her class). We made it through the day, so that's what matters.

Thanks for your message