Please reassure me I'm not terminally weird. I need a hug.

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For months my eldest daughter (14 and NT) has been pleading for me to allow her to have her hair lightened. I've resisted and resisted. Then I thought about her friends, not one of whom has 'natural' hair. I'm a self diagnosed Aspie whose concern with her own physical appearance is minimal. I decided it was wrong for me to constrain my daughter to comply with my outlook on life, and today took her to have her hair bleached to the shade she would find acceptable.

She seems happy.
Her dad (NT) doesn't have a problem with it, neither do her brother (AS) or sister (NT).

I'm at anxiety meltdown. My daughter doesn't look like my daughter. Her hair doesn't look like her hair. I'm desperately fighting against panic and trying not to freak my daughter out by screaming and bursting into tears every time I look at her. It barely appears to have registered on her dad's, brother's or sister's conciousness that she's different.

What I really need is a big cyber hug from someone who can understand that looking at a person you love who now looks like a total stranger is a terrifying experience.

*hugs*

I understand how you feel. When I was a child, I would freak out every time someone brought up the fact that my mom needed glasses, because I worried that if her appearance changed, then she would change too. I also hated it when my dad grew out a beard and then shaved it off, because it felt like I was looking at an alien or a stranger instead of my dad. The good news is, these feelings will diminish with time and you will eventually become accustomed to it.

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I haven't had that experience, but I know many of our members have.

(((((((((((hug)))))))))))

I hear you and feel your pain.
My NT daughter changed the color of her hair 7 times in one year and nobody but me even blinked.
I could barely find her in a crowd anymore unless I knew what she was wearing. She made my deepest
darkest fear come true, losing my kids in a crowd because I didn't recognize them with so many faces to confuse.
For some reason I "recognize" people more from a general sense and context than by their actual face.
This leads to a lot of confusion when I see people out of context from where I usually see them.
Fortunately she was big enough to find me when the need came up and I could eventually find her if I calmed
down and really concentrated on the shape of her hair and height etc. so it was really stressful but ok.
I don't really understand what she even got out of all that changing when she was a teen but I think it has something to do with "trying on" different personalities etc. and providing fresh phone content for chit chat with other teenagers. It
seems to be a necessary developmental part of being an NT teen girl along with makeup and constant phone use.
They grow out of that stage eventually. She's grown and a Mom herself now, and the hair is back to normal but the constant phone use seems permanent!

Well, you AREN'T weird! Frankly, if I were you, I would want her to avoid potentially nasty chemicals, etc... And she should be happy with her as she is. But there IS peer pressure, and she may just be following the crowd. LOTS of family comedies have been made on this.

Let her know how you feel. If she looks nice, have everyone, even her brother and sister, tell her! Check with them first, and have them tell her the truth. But let her know she can do it, and that you will be happy to take her there and pay for it.

Some girls consider it a rite of passage of sorts.

At least it isn't EAR PIERCING!

I had this experience to an extent when my mom grew her hair out. All of my life, her hair was short and well cut...kinda like a curly red hale berry cut, but then she got a bug up her _____ and decided to grow her hair out and dye it redish brown. Quite frankly, she looked like a wild woman with all that crazy curly hair going everywhere. It was very disturbing to me...sometimes still is. I wish she would just cut it off like she used to have it. So I really understand. I remember mom wanted me to have my hair permed when I was 8 years old (wtf!! !) I only dyed my hair twice in my life...once blueish green and years later, pink bangs. Both times did not last long as the upkeep was too much work and my hair grows sooo fast that I had roots in two weeks and the pink faded to orange after 3 washes.

But look on the bright side...at least she does not want to get a nose piercing or brow piercing, or a (gasp) tatoo.

((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Thank you all for the hugs and reassurance!

It really is reassuring to know that I'm not the only person who finds things like this so difficult to cope with.

Well, I've made it through the first full day with my 'stranger' daughter. I'm really proud of my son, he keeps telling his big sister that her hair 'looks fine'. From the number of times he's said it I strongly suspect that he is having his own private battle with accepting his 'new' sister, but he is learning very quickly how to play the social rules and fit in.

For her part, my gorgeous big girl came and gave me a hug and said "Please don't look away quickly each time you see me, it's making me feel bad about what I've done. You know, there can't be that many mothers who are afraid of new hairstyles and get frightened by perfumes!"

I am extremely fortunate to have a teenager who loves me despite all my quirks and inadequacies. I describe myself as a self-diagnosed Aspie (it was somewhat of an Eureka moment after I was told my son was almost definitely AS): but after being told about her brother my eldest daughter did her own research on Asperger's, and now often grins at me and says 'What you just did was soooooo autistic Mum!'. I cling to the hope that I am a better mother to her than my (critical, judgemental, non accepting ) NT Mother was/is? I think she's still alive but we just don't find it necessary to communicate with each other any more

(((hugs)))

completely relate to it, I had a partner change hair color and felt like it was a stranger

freaky

Aw! (hugs) I experienced this not that long ago. My 19 month old son used to have long and gorgeous curls which I was intensely reluctant to cut off because he looked so sweet, but it really did upset me each time we went out and someone would invariably call him a her...

So I let my partner get the clippers and buzz his hair off...Admittedly, it was a blessing, as he always used to pull on his hair especially with his hands all covered in food, so he's a lot cleaner now. Each morning I saw him, I would get tears in my eyes and have fear because he looked exactly like my step-son, and it was almost like he stopped being my son because he looked like someone else. It was so hard for me to understand, and I didn't tell anyone about it because I was embarrassed of myself.

But, he's had short hair now for about a month or so, and he looks adorable and just like my little Turtle, but he still doesn't quite look the same as he did with longer hair.

Thank you CinnamonGirl and alone,

I've had a few days to get used to it now, and have got to the point where I've managed to touch my daughter's hair! I still have to steel myself to go into her bedroom each morning as I have a mini freak-out each time I see 'not my daughter' in her bed

I thought I was the only person who could find something like this so disturbing. Huge relief to find I'm not!