Getting even more concerned now....

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I posted before about problems with my ds and my dh and I showing affection to each other.

Things were getting better for awhile. Now, things are going downhill and he's getting increasingly more violent. Just today, dh just made a mention of kissing me. I was standing on the stairs holding a laundry basket full of clothes on my right side. He then proceeds to push me. My foot slipped but I caught myself. I then said, "Oh, you're trying to kill me now, right? That way your father really won't be able to kiss me."

He then proceeds to roll his eyes and stick his tongue out at that. (Copying behavior from his sisters.) He got put in his room to cool off after that where he proceeds to throw things all over the place.

Another time he picked up his hard plastic toy bat to threaten his father. Just the mere going into the room with me is enough to set him off.

When I have physically removed him from his aggression, he starts throwing things, moving things out of their proper places, hitting things, etc. The reactions are increasing in severity. If he can't make physical contact with one or both of us (I used to not get it.), he must react physically to his environment in some way.

To me it seems like our actions or just the idea of the act which may possibly take place are seriously damaging him in some way shape or form. I remember another poster mentioning something about her son and kids brushing past his desk at school. (I cannot find that thread!) He would then have to do the same thing back to their desk. Some people suggested that the act of someone brushing past the desk made him feel uneven and the act of him pushing the desk made things even again. I noticed a similarity with my son.

Does anyone have any insight on how to deal with this? I'm REALLY getting worried about him.

Have you tried flat out asking him what his issue is? Tell him you can see that he is upset or frustrated or SOMETHING, and you want to know everything he is thinking and feeling so that you can help him with it. After all, you know he doesn't WANT to feel upset, frustrated or mad or ????, because those aren't fun feelings, are they? So, you tell him, that you want to try to help him understand and express his feelings.

OK, that all can be tricky with a 5 year old, but sometimes you can ask him to fill in the blanks in a story with fictional characters. "The daddy rat wanted to kiss the mommy rat and the baby rat started to act strangely. Why would the baby rat do that?"

Before finding your prior thread I was going to jump to the "jealous" theory. I'll leave it in just in case, and then add other angles, below. Most little kids go through a phase of wanting to marry their parents, and they don't really understand why they can't. Normally I think a parent can skip over actually saying "no, you can't" and explaining why, just kind of skipping around it, since they outgrow the desire soon enough, but maybe your son has really latched onto the idea that your husband is the problem, and that is why he acts as he does. IF that is what has happened, he'll need to get all the other reasons: you'll be too old and he'll want someone young and full of energy is probably the most positive. And there is always "the law says we can't because I'm your mom, I'm so sorry, I think you'd be a great husband!"

But ... it seems that he has told that he is supposed to be with your husband, and has a sense you and your husband need to be separated. I think you need to ask your husband to consider very hard what all the lessons they've shared at the Mosque are. What has your son heard about women v. men, about kissing, about physical contact, etc.? Could there have been a reading or lecture that your son may not be understanding correctly? If they have talked about relations outside of the marital home, your son may not understand that those rules do not apply inside the marital home. And so on.

Or does your son find these periods when the men and women are separated extra special in some way? Are they calming for him? So that maybe he is erroneously associating positive feelings with having mom and dad apart, instead of understanding that he just really likes praying? Lol, OK, most 5 year old boys don't really like praying, but there are so many associations that he could be making ... the quiet, the order of it, the clear authority being given.

You've got to find a way to get him to talk more, and I think you should have some scripts ready for when it gets uncomfortable.

Hello

I am assuming that you are referring to this post here:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt147140.html

I am curious, you seem to have found a cause in the previous post, and things were getting better. So, apparently something has gone wrong. As for those who suggest an OCD style problem, I am not exactly convinced. It doesn't sound like it to me (based solely on what you have written that is).

My guess, is that your child is just being, well, childish.
Normally, children feel a certain way (I.E. I want my sibling's toy) and act on it. When I was younger, I acted on my feelings, and stole my brothers toys. The counteracting force was my parents scolding me and telling me not to do so. So, I had my emotions telling me one thing (take the toy) and my rational side saying the other (don't take the toy, you'll get in trouble). And usually the rational side would win.

Likewise, your son is faced with the same situation. His emotional side is telling him to break up you two and prevent any fraternization. His rational side is telling him that no, its fine, Mom + Dad are allowed to do that (as per the discussion you had earlier).

The thing to remember though is that the emotional side doesn't fade very quickly. I am 24 and I still want some of my brother's stuff (He has a nice toy RC helicopter...). Comparatively, the rational side fades pretty quickly. A 5 year old has an effective memory of maybe a few weeks to a few months. Meaning that while he may somewhat remember the conversation you had a few months ago, he has forgotten most of the details and no longer remembers why he shouldn't be breaking the two of you up.

As any parent will tell you, children (especially young children) will often times remember the rules and do well for a little while, but a few weeks later they are back to breaking the rules. This isn't because the child is becoming more violent, he has just forgotten the explanation you gave him and is back to acting on feelings again. As I said in my first post way back when you brought this up, this is a complex issue, and multiple explanations may be needed before your child really understands and internalizes the information.

So sit him down, and go over it with him just like you did a few months ago. It may be review to you, but as he is only 5, he has likely forgotten most of it, and it will be new to him.

i think the unevenness post was this one: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt147211.html

i find that sitting down and asking lots of questions helps my autie in describing emotions. he often cant just straight out tell me why or how something is bothering him, but if i ask questions, how does your body feel inside, do you feel this way at other times, etc, it can help him give me enough clues to figure out whats going on. my son is very verbal and pretty insightful for 5, but he is still autistic and that means he often doesnt understand his own emotions and bodily responses, and cant tell me what he is feeling because he doesnt know himself.

the only things i could suggest are trying to talk to him to find out why he is acting that way, and/or very strictly speak to him about hitting and pushing. we have success sometimes with putting things in "rule" terms. we simply dont hit, thats a house rule, and breaking it means xxx consequence. one more thing i would suggest tho, dont make sarcastic/humorous comments about the situation. making it into a joke reduces the seriousness of what he did. this is especially important for a child who is literal and doesnt catch the nuances of speech.

the lashing out at his environment sounds like just an expression of emotion. the best thing would be to figure out what is causing that emotional surge.