What to Do?

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My son who is 12 has NO friends in school. There is almost always some sort of social event going on - dances, trips, game days, etc... He just stays home. He only goes in for his academic classes - straight A's. I feel bad. I tried to push him to go by saying, "Surely, there must be at least one person to talk to." He just snaps out. He starts screaming at me saying, "Surely if there was one, I wouldn't be stuck in this F---ing house with you!" Any advice or should I just leave it? My imagined reaction would be to attack because he can be so disrespectful but he's in a lot of pain.

Just leave it. He has no friends because he doesn't know anyone he can relate to. Likely he gets persecuted socially for his good grades.

After he finishes school, goes to college, gets a good job and finally meets people he likes, he can laugh at all his former classmates who became druggies or whatever.

I remember well my mother asking every weekend if therewasnt one person I couldnhang out with. It hurt her to see me sit in but not as much as it hurt me. I understand your sons response completely.

I would suggest not asking. If something changes he'll tell you soon enough. In the meantime maybe you can engage him in non-cringeworthy (for a12yo) family activities so he doesn't focus on the loneliness too much. There must be something he, even secretly, likes doing with family, even if it's gaming on playstation or wii, bowling, or take aways.

His time will come until then you have to be his social life. Forcing him or even asking him will only push him further away and make you both feel awful. For me I was 17 when i started having a social life and it didn't last long but it was great while it lasted.

I think you are right about the snapping...in a way, it's a compliment from an Aspie kid, it means they trust that you will not hurt or abandon them if they show their true feelings. Doesn't make it hurt less, but it helps to know.

One bit of advice I was given by a therapist that we haven't had to use yet: find a "social" group outside of school. By the quotations, I mean a group dedicated to a special interest of your child's, one that might attract other kids like him. The therapist said that kids who are quirky or different often weather it better if there's some group somewhere else. Don't know if this is possible, but it's worth thinking about.

The key is to find something where it's not just another social problem: so, maybe there's a local club for whatever school subject your child is best in: debate, robotics, science, theater, moviemaking, etc. Something where the activity takes precedence over the socializing.

12 years old...does that mean he is in middle school?? Middle school is really hard on aspies. I had no friends in middle school, the only ones who knew me were the ones who bullied me.

I recomend lettting him join a group outside of school that has mostly adults...kids with AS get along with adults better than NT kids their age. Mostly because adults are more mature and treat people better than kids in middle school do. Plus his intelegence would be served well to hang out with some adults who have some of his interests...in a way could mentor him into a career with his interest.

Kids in middle school are brutal...I dont recomend forcing your son to hang out with pre-puebasant neranderthals anyway.

I think you need to stop asking him about it, it would just be reminding him how friendless he is,

As others have stated a group outside of school and away from school would be good, if you can find something he is into.

My son is 12 and is right into games, so for him playing against others who he doesn't know is ok, they are on his friends list, he isn't totally alone and he is in control.

I would also perhaps suggest you talk with his school, maybe there is another child who the school think might get along or share an interest with your child, perhaps there is another child in the same situation.

I've been in both your son's and your own position. My Mum was always badgering me to go and play with my friends (what friends Mum?!) and to 'have fun like other children'. I would have loved to have been popular and sociable, but those gifts weren't mine to have.

Now, my heart aches to watch my son sit in every evening as he has neither the confidence or skill to make friends. It is very hard not to do to him what my Mum did to me, and I have to remember how inadequate she made me feel. He does have one means of socialising that I didn't, and it helps him to relax - he plays online games with his XBox. I realise there can be all sorts of issues with this, but if it's his only real means of interacting then I'm not going to stop him.

I don't think you should attack back. Most probably you would feel bad for doing it, and he would resent you for it.

Honestly if you want him to have friends, then you'll have to get him some friends. Children with AS don't know how to make friends on their own. It "just happens" for everyone else but kids with AS aren't going to "get it" and the more you put them in social situations expecting them to figure it out on their own, the more upsetting it's going to be for them.

What you have to do is identify a group of kids that he has something in common with and can socialize with in a controlled environment. This would be some type of group setting with friendly kids, that's not too big. You need to give him a clear directive. Be sure he knows that the goal here is meeting people. Ideally he should be in a social skills training program aimed at kids his age but they are few and far between and I'm not sure how good they actually are.

He probably doesn't know how to introduce himself to kids his age. I think 12 year olds are at the point where they generally either strike up a neutral conversation and then say "I'm (name), by the way." I could be wrong.

I would give him tasks to fulfill in a social situation, such as..
1. Introduce yourself to at least one person.
2. Strike up a conversation with at least one person.
3. Ask at least one person their name and some fact about them, such as their name, where they are from, and so on.

I'd go over the finer details of how to do this with him.

Sadly I'm going through this with my husband right now and it hurts. He tells me I don't have to do everything with him and that I can go out by myself and make friends of my own. I walk away from such conversations. My mum used to say similar things when I was a kid. She'd say, "Don't you have any little friends to bring home?"

It hurts. It hurt then and it hurts now. It's as though people think I choose to be this way. That somehow I've made the choice to reject society. In some ways I have. I'm almost thirty so I've spent almost thirty years trying to please other people. It failed. It's always failed. These days, I don't bother trying to be nice. If I feel like being rude, I'll be rude. If I'm angry, I'll be angry. I know it doesn't help, but hiding my feelings and playing by their rules never did either. I don't even know if I am an apsie, I haven't even told my husband that I think I am, but I don't want to play anymore and I don't see the point in trying to pretend since everyone seems to know it's a pretense anyway.