How do you get the school to really listen

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My son has only recently been diagnosised with AS he had a diagnosis of ADHD, he is near the end of his first year post primary. It has been a huge struggle for him, us as parents and the school have not been anyway helpful in making allowances for his difficulties.

I only recently discovered that he has been having anxiety attacks for which he describes as for most of the school day. He comes home really stressed out, and now is refusing to go to school. As he has a number of teachers through out the day, some are sympathetic but others refuse to let him have a drink of water, use his thera putty which helps him to relax. He informed me that things are getting so bad that he now goes to the bathroom and cries.

I had a number of meetings and phone calls with the prinicpal, resource teacher, year teacher all reassuring me that all is ok with him and they dont see any difficulties. They have also stated that there is no problem with him using the thera putty or having a drink.

I am not sure if its my son's perception or anxieties that might be making him afraid to approach some of the teacher if he feels they are strict. He is so overwhelmed have taught him the breathing exercises, but I feel he doesnt want to do anything to make things easier as he just doesnt want to go to school he hates it. He had the same problems in primary school but he was unable to express his feelings and articulate how he was feeling.

Its been a very difficult year which will be finished next week all I can say is thank god I will not be looking forward to September when he will have to return. As I live in a small town changing schools can be difficult he already travels a distance to this school, I choose the school because of its small numbers and the school is a small building i felt this would suit him best.

Any suggestions, I thought things would improve as he has near completed the first year, but I feel things are getting very worrying and seriously going down hill. He mixes fine with other peers and has friends and is invovled in a lot of outside activities so he is quiet socialable. I have thought about home tution but then he would be isolated as we live in the countryside.

Thanks

Annmaria

This was me exactly 4 years ago, I had a nervous breakdown later on and have not been in school since.

I'm not saying that is what's going to happen to him, but I think if even one of my more difficult teachers had been more understanding my mental health would have been better off, he's probably hypersensetive, these teachers probably say to themselves "if the other students can take it then so can he" but the truth is that we have limited coping skills and that the first year post primary school is probably one of the hardest years for most autistics.

You need to tell the school this asap, if they still don't get it you must implore to them that he cannot put up with this type of stress for a long period - one year was all it took for me in a secondary school in Dublin to become a jibbering mess, ask anyone who knew me in primary school and they'd probably say I was unrecognisable, I slowly became a pale shadow of my former self, every day I would arrive home and go straight to lay in bed, slowly recovering.

If he's already become more unstable and severely depressed after 1 year of sustained school, what will he be like next year when even more pressure is put on him? What about junior cert year?

I don't mean to be so grim, but I just hate to idea of another boy going through what I went through, every class a battle.

Thanks Phonic

I hear what you are saying very loud, I have had such a battle even to get his diagnosis. I have been trying to avoid where he is now trying to get support in primary school but wasnt able because the school didnt pick up on any difficulties, the local services dont listen to parents, wait till the children fall apart before they want to offer support. They let the child fall apart and then want to fix him so to speak!

If they had listen to me 5 years ago maybe things wouldnt have been so bad for him anyway must move forward and deal with things as they are now.

I have already had a meeting with NEPS which I was hoping to put things in place for him for September, but now they want another meeting in Septmeber which will mean it could be months before things get sorted.

I am also hoping we can help with coping skills over the holidays and I will insist that the school must accommodate his needs.

Thanks

Annmaria

Do you have a psychriatrist, psychologist or any other medical professional that can intervene on your son's behalf? It sounds like the people at the school need someone else to tell them that your son's mental health is at stake even if he isn't showing it on the outside he is suffering on the inside and it needs to stop. I hope you can find someone who can get through to them if they refuse to listen to you.

Hi Annmaria,

You said he has friends and is quite social. Are these friends closer or are these friends from this school? You say you picked the school. Have you asked him if he would rather go to the school that is closer, even if it is larger? If he is social and has friends maybe the size won't be an issue. Perhaps if you keep extra involved and supplement whatever extra help he needs you can let him go to the bigger school if he feels less anxiety, if that is the case. Teachers are very excited when a parent approaches them with a plan...if you will do this, then I will do that....An established social network is very important, in fact it could easily be many times more important than cooperative teachers.

hope you get it resolved

I've found with my son that there is a point of no return, where the bad experiences with a place or person or activity take on a life of their own and you can no longer fix the problem by fixing the experiences. In that case, the only answer is to change scenery.

I think you are going to have to figure out just how far the anxiety reflexes and situational triggers have gotten. Certain classes, teachers and subjects, or the whole school? If it's the later, I don't think you have a choice: you'll have to pull him.

Frustrating to have to deal with people who don't listen ... That was my son's preschool. Actually, they pretended to listen and then changed nothing. Once you've made sure that it isn't just a big misunderstanding, you do what you have to do for your unique child. When you can't move the mountain, you go around it. Life can't wait for impossible situations. My biggest regrets are the times it took me too long to accept that was what I had. Not to say if you are there yet, just, think about it.

My experiences in school left me with a permanent severe anxiety disorder and recurring depression. Going to school for me was equivalent to a regular person going into a war zone, or being locked up in a violent prison.

Once I figured out how to do it from other students, I began skipping classes regularly starting in 8th grade. I didn't skip to do anything fun or hang out with friends, I just could not force myself to enter the school building because it was so traumatic. This led to disciplinary actions that only furthered my intense fear, and by high school I had set a school record for number of classes skipped.

Around this same time I realized that certain things could lessen my intense anxiety, and those things were drugs. I began buying over the counter cold medications and taking enormous doses just before school, so that in my numbed state I would be able to go to class. I was going to school high every day, though I was not using anything illegal so no one could stop me. As I got used to a previous dose, I was forced to increase the dose until it interfered with my memory, causing periods of amnesia, which made school even harder. But even with all the skipping and being high, I was gifted with enough intelligence to do well academically by studying the textbooks on my own, so no one caught on to my problem.

When school makes your child ill with anxiety, please take it seriously. Never underestimate the far-reaching and possibly permanent effects of constant severe anxiety. You would not place your child in San Quentin prison, why should he be in a school he can't handle? If he can't handle any school in the area, the choices will be to home-school or to move. Otherwise he'll be forced to find his own creative solutions to ease his intense anxiety, like me.

Hi

Thanks for all your replies, My son will finish on Thursday for the holidays and this will give me time to think about what to do for september.

I will allow my son to have his say in what he wants, he has mentioned that he would like to go to a bigger school but I feel he is just saying it. His older sister goes to the same school and she is a big support to him she also has a diagnosis of ADD and I have been query AS waiting to see but I suspect so.

He does have friends but I feel it can be very one sided, he feels know one really likes him, He doesnt have really close friends but is invited to hang out and mixes at school. Not sure if he feels he has to fit in? It has been difficult moving to the new school, but all his class from Primary spilt up and moved to many different schools.

He goes to a mix school if I move him it would mean an all boys, I cant see that it would work but I will give him the choice if thats what he wants.

Again thanks

Annmaria