Any solutions to this self-awareness problem? Shd I hv kids?

Post Reply New Topic

I am a quiet guy who most probably have Asperger's. I have been through tons of bullying all my life from elementary school to university. I have bad social skills when it comes to getting a girlfriend due to how shy and feminine of a person I change into when I am around the person I like. I mean I have had girls asking me out, but I could be unreasonably picky and sometimes I take too long to respond especially when there is someone else around our vicinity. Now, I sometimes think that I would never be able to get together with someone who likes me and whom I like. Other aspects of social life doesn't really concern me since I don't appreciate friendship as much as most people do. (I have like one friend; I still interact with and know other people, but I don't keep in touch with them.)

It's from the bullying, the problems with getting together with a girl and my indifferent attitude towards making friends that I started thinking I have Asperger's. I used to want children, but now I don't because I am afraid of the chance that they would inherit this condition, suffer and become depressed like myself. Seeing how many girls wants to have kids and wouldn't consider dating a feminine guy doesn't lift my spirit up either.

Is there any way that can wind back my memory to before I suspect myself to have Asperger's and start being extremely depressed so that I can have the desire of having kids and a better chance (confidence and want of kids) with getting a wife? Otherwise, should I just give up on having kids and narrow my already few potential mates to girls who do not want kids? Obviously, I would like the answer to the first question be a 'yes'. However, please let me know what you think. Is there a third solution that I haven't thought of?

Since this is the parents' discussion board, I guess my main focus is on how concern I should be of having a kid who may have to suffer from the condition. Comments on my other aspects would also be appreciated. Thanks.

Update:
I mean, I don't want to have kids and have them suffer from their social problems and bullying. Otherwise, should I be paranoid and actively help them look for mates and shield them from the evils of the world? I personally am not comfortable in discussing these problems with my parents and siblings, so I would expect my kids to behave in a similar manner.

Last edited by aldilacuna on 23 May 2011, 10:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I wouldn't worry about it: yes, it is difficult to parent a child on the autism spectrum. Yes, it is difficult to be a parent of any child when you are on the autism spectrum. That being said, parenthood is difficult and challenging for anyone; this does not mean that obstacles can't be overcome. Now that we are finally on the right track with our son, I'm actually enjoying the challenges, and I'm guessing I am more able to face them than many parents, largely because it's more than likely I also have Aspergers.

It is very likely that someone on the spectrum will have a child on the spectrum - if you are prepared and can be a good role model, you can use this to your advantage; just remember that your child is like you - think of what works for you when you are parenting your child. Ideally, you will have a partner who also understands you (and therefore will likely understand your child.) It's a good idea to understand yourself as much as possible before making the leap to parenthood, but we all do what we can with what we've got.

As for the dating stuff, I was never any good at it - my husband and I were set up by friends (who I think understood what we were about) and things just worked themselves out. Unfortunately, this isn't the case for everyone who struggles socially. I think it's not a bad idea to get professional help; I was never diagnosed accurately, but I did do a lot of therapy for depression and the skills I learned there were really important as a parent.

I found out I have AS right after having my 5th child. My 3 boys have AS. I will say that my life has never been easy, and things have gotten harder, but I love my children and don't know what I would do if I didn't have them.

I am considered an "unconventional" parent. I let them dress how they want, eat what they want, and believe in what they want. Before I knew what AS was, I would notice my kids do "AS things" (my 5 year old kisses EVERYTHING and my 8 year old will wear the same thing everyday, even if it's filthy). I would get paranoid and upset...tell them they are going to get picked on. It didn't do any good of course and I would end up screaming at them. Now that I know about AS, I stress to my 5 year old that other people don't understand. As for my 8 year old, I do laundry for him daily.

Since finding out, I have become confused as how to parent them. I don't want them to walk all over me, but I don't want to punish them for things they can't help. OMG I need help here. LMAO!!

First of all, I think you need to find out if you do have Asperger's or not. Just go and get tested. It will not hurt, and it is better to fall that keep on hanging. If you find out you have AS at least you will know why you are the way you are and will be able to face it and try to deal with it.

I think you should not be afraid of having kids with AS. There is a strong probability that parents with AS will have produce kids with AS, but it is not certain. Your kids may or may have not have AS. And if they do that does not mean that they will be like you. My husband suffered from bullying at school. Our daughter is also an Aspie, but she does not have that problem. She's been in therapy since she got diagnosed, so she is doing way better than him at the same age, because we know and she is getting help.

I think you should work on your issues and your problems with relationships instead of worrying about having kids. Remember parenthood is about two people. If you get the right person, you will not be alone in that journey.

I would second this idea. And when considering people to date, I wouldn't limit yourself to just people that declare up front that they want to have kids or just people who don't want to have kids. I think that is something you explore with someone once a relationship is somewhat established. Many people are probably not totally black or white on that subject.