Girl "Friends"

Post Reply New Topic

My 8 year old (will be 9 in July) Aspie has a hard time socially (big shock huh?). When we first moved here he would have a friend who he literally clung to but they would end up doing something that was in his book, unforgivable...at least for a few weeks. The problem is that the other boys did not EVER forgive him or they would just get tired of him and his clinginess. He also does not understand personal space and wants to hug and touch everyone and even though that is more socially acceptable here in france the boys are getting older so its a bother to them. My son would be very sad and angry with himself when ever he lost a friend and it was becoming heart breaking to pick him up from school and see him in tears. Then the bullying started, he was getting teased about his "issues" and the fact that he had an aide. Kids told him he was stupid because his aide did his work for him (she has to write for him because he can only do verbal work) and they even started stealing his Pokemon cards (the only thing he had in common with the other boys, the only way he could relate to them was through that game). We had to prevent him from taking the cards to school to avoid anymore trauma to him. Someone stealing his favorite Pokemon card made him so hysterical I could hardly get him to walk home. Thankfully we got it back but we promised the teacher that he would not bring his cards anymore.
He finally found one little boy who I suspect also has Aspergers but is undiagnosed. They get along ok but have problems sometimes because my son has a lot of control issues. He is unable to follow a game or "play" unless he himself makes up the rules, this makes him very bossy and the other boys get upset with him. Lately I have noticed that he has a pack of girls who run to the gate for him when he comes to school. He tells me things like "me and my friends were playing house and I was the cat" which lead me to wonder if he was only playing with the girls. My suspicion was right but he does still play with the other one little boy as well as the girls. Also my aide (I have an auto-immune disorder so I have aides to help with the kids and housework) takes him to the park and she tells me that he seems to "gather" girl friends . She also noticed that they seem very compliant with him, wanting to play by his rules and follow his lead. Im not trying to be sexist and say all girls are like this but Im calling it like it is. He seems to be closer to girls and relate to them better than boys, they seem to understand him and find him interesting. They love to listen to him talk about his rabbit and his dolphin obsession where as boys his age are not interested in things like this. He also has a girl who lives behind us that he plays with on the weekends. I know that I have read that Aspie boys tend to get along better with girls sometimes and Im wondering how many other parents have noticed this in their boys. I think the girls also think its cool that he speaks English and they like to ask him how to say this or that. His little pack of girls at school always say "HELLO" to me and then giggle when I say hello back.
Im glad that he is happier at school but I do recognize that he is going to need more help socially because he needs to learn that he can not make up all the rules all the time. He has a real problem with losing games to the point where he becomes very agitated and physical. We are working with his frustration and anger a lot lately. We had an incident where he put his hands around my 6 year old daughter's (classic autism) neck. That was very upsetting and we made it very clear that he can not put his hands on other people when he is angry or to try to hurt another person. He still needs a lot of assistance but at least he is being invited to birthday parties (girls of course) and he is happier at school. I know this move has been very hard on him and my daughter and I now almost feel bad that he has to go to another school (hes going to a special needs school) next year but they will be better equipped to handle some of his big issues and his LD's. Hopefully we can mainstream him again in a year or two.

This is really interesting to me. When I was a child, I used to wonder if something was wrong with me because I didn't get along very well with other boys. Even as an adult I'd rather work with women than other men. My wife and I are VERY close. My wife has a hard time correcting our daughter--she's only 2 years old, after all--but if I say something to her she instantly changes her behavior. I enjoy playing with my son and we mostly get along quite well. He's 3. As he's getting more mature, I'm finding it easier to stay in control, but when his moods run foul he can be very difficult. His mother seems to be able to handle him a lot better than I can. My relationships with girls/women have been comfortable to the point I'd rather not have to spend any time with my own gender at all. However, it's not really culturally or socially normal to associate strictly with the opposite sex, not to mention other men tend to become suspicious. Yet I find keeping the balance to be very difficult. The one thing that has helped me is that I teach piano lessons as my "day job" and men do not tend to really be that involved in their children's education or special activities. So I have to remind myself when I have to contact parents when I speak to moms to keep conversations quick and to the point.

I think maybe girls can be more accepting sometimes and even mothering. As a female Aspie I can tell you that I had more girl bullies than boys but I did have some girls who would "mother" me or try to help me as well.

I say count your blessings. If the girls are being nice to him then run with it. Our kids need to learn to be creative about finding good companionship where they can get it. I wish I could take my own advice though. My son always makes friends with the younger kids (he's 10) and can be kind of dismissive of those relationships. It sounds like the new school could be really good for him though. Hopefully there he can bring in his cards if that's what makes him happy. I also had to stop letting him take Pokemon cards to school because the ensuing issues were annoying the teacher. I hope it all works out. Keep us posted

I am glad that he has some friends to play with...does not matter at his age if they are girls or boys. He does enjoy his alone time but he also has a strong need for friends and it hurts me to see him try so hard but not be able to handle himself.
I also think the school will be better for him. Not only will they have a better understanding of him but It will help his self esteem and I think a whole new world will open up for him if he can learn to read and write.

I went to an all boys secondary school but in primary school I remember that the girls were the most likely to take pity on me and ask me if i was okay, a few seemed to have a crush on me of all people.

Interesting beats cool apparently.

My kiddo gravitates towards girls too. He doesn't like all the crazy boy stuff...rough and tumble, sports, hyperness, etc. He likes imaginary play which fits with the girls better. The girls have been "motherly" in the past, but as he gain confidence, he is able to fit in more on their level now. I have no problem with it....as long as he has friends and is learning appropriate social skills, it doesn't matter to me!

Boys with AS usually fall into one two categories.

Those who have no friends, and those who socialize ok with girls.


Girls with AS usually fall into one of three categories, one of them hypothetical.

Those who have no friends.
Those who socialize ok with boys.
And the hypothetical but yet to be proven one, those who embed themselves in a pack of females where they go unnoticed by the rest of the world.

I had a tendency to socialize more with boys until I got high school age. I remember praying to be turned into a boy and I drove my Mom crazy running around shirtless with the boys when I was between 6 and 9. She also complained that I got dirtier than both my brothers combined. I still enjoyed talking to boys in high school and remained a tom boy but things got weird for me when I was told that boys were flirting with me. I didnt understand all that, I was way behind emotionally. Then I guess I fell into the no friend category. I did have one friend, a girl (shes actually a lesbian and I have even more lesbian friends now) but we have determined that she is also an Aspie. She had a very difficult childhood and drank heavily when we were teens so we didnt spend a lot of time together then but we are still in touch to this day.
Maybe this is why my husband and I have so much fun together and have so much to talk about!