"Sometimes my brain has a mind of its own!"

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The Eldest, 7 years old, is generally a very good kid. He's not a discipline problem in school, he's generous and kind and friendly and all around wonderful.

But sometimes....

Today, he apparently decided that he didn't want to do any work in school. He misbehaved enough in music class to get his name written on the board, but won't tell me what he did. When he got home he poked a hole in a window screen, without any reason for it.

I try to talk to him, he claims he can't remember what he did wrong in school, or why he does some of the things that he does. He runs and hides -- he's terrified of getting into trouble, to such an extent that if someone on TV (like Arthur) does something wrong, he'll literally put his hand over his ears and run away. Why the terror, I don't know. He's never been physically punished, or suffered anything worse than a time-out. But telling him that we're upset or disappointed just devastates him, even with assuraces that everyone makes mistakes, and that we still love him.

And when I do get him to talk about why he does things make holes in innocent screens, he gives me the answer in the thread title. Or some variation thereof: "My brain just makes me do it.", or "Sometime I can't control my brain."

We've never discussed his autism with him, as I'm afraid of his using it as an excuse along those same lines. But I'm not sure how to answer, or deal with, his statements that he can't control his brain. What do you think it signifies? Anything specific, or just his way of describing his sometimes poor impulse control?

I think its his way of saying he doesn't understand where his impulses come from, or how to control them. Variations on the theme are actually quite normal for kids or, at least, they were for my kids (one NT, one AS). You have to teach kids how be aware enough of what precedes impulses that they can anticipate and control them. It's not really an excuse; it is an accurate summary of what happens when instinct or impulse takes over.

I think it is time to tell him about the AS. At this age kids are very aware of how they are different from other kids, and without an explanation his imagination is going to start deriving all sorts of wild theories. My son has never used his AS as an excuse and,, even if he did, how would that be any worse than a made up excuse? A child who wants to use an excuse will come up with one, solid pool to pick from or not. When the attempt isn't valid, you just call them out, "I realize your AS gives you certain challenges, but I really don't think X is one of them."

I can understand where he is coming from, so to speak. I used to take things apart and I could never explain why I was doing it. I just HAD to. And I remember getting in trouble for things that I could not recall doing, or getting chewed out or spanked for impulsive behaviors like jumping off of things or.....say, opening paint and dunking my hands in it, turning on the hose and spraying the water up ( makes a nice rainbow in the right light...and I have a thing about fire and water), and poking holes in things that looked pleasing to my sense of touch. I mean...bread, certain fabrics, dough of any kind (play or otherwise), and screens. You start thinking about how it will feel and then you blink and you've poked holes in everything with no REAL idea as to why.

I think there could be one or more of a few things going on here.

1. It doesn't occur to him that he's being bad at the time. He see's a screen, thinks it'd be fun to poke a hole in it, and so he does it. That it might upset someone does not occur to him.

2. He knows it's bad but has a compulsion to do it because it just looks so fun and tempting, or he gets a thrill from being bad.

3. He's trying to get attention for whatever reason.

4. He's being passive aggressive.

5. Some other reason.

I have no answers...I just wanted to say my son is notorious for saying this!! ! He's always screaming, "I can't control my brain!!" The other posters' answers were great though. Btw my son is also seven

Thank you all -- I clearly need to take him more seriously, and not write this off as mere excuses. Unfortunately, the entire family is under a tremendous amount of stress right now, and my own patience is somewhat...frayed, to say the least. But that's my problem, not his, and I need to push past that.

Eldest's biggest problem is with writing, and it's twofold:

1) He's got awful handwriting, thanks to some fine motor difficulties and low upper body strength. He still has a tendency to hold a pencil clenched in his fist (if he's not using a special rubber grip) and it's physically difficult for him to write for any length of time. His teacher knows this, and doesn't expect more than a few sentences from him -- well within his capabilities -- but he gets his stubborn hat on.

2) He claims that he doesn't know WHAT to write. Which I have doubts on...he's very verbal and his teacher says he always has good and articulate answers. But they tend to be LONG and RAMBLING answers, which may be why he's reluctant to write them down. The teacher's not asking for anything more than short simple sentences, and he knows that, but....

Yesterday, she told him that classwork is part of his report card. His response? "That's okay, just give me an F." I talked to his teacher myself, and she's going to send home whatever assignments he doesn't do in school. He'll do them at home, with my working right with him, and won't be allowed to use the computer until he does. This will, I think, be sufficient motivation...but it doesn't address the real problem.

We talked this morning at length, and again he told me that he can't control his brain. I think that tonight we're going to try to have the ASD talk after all. Or maybe I should wait just a bit longer; he responds REALLY well to books, and if I can track down a good one written for kids about high-functioning autism, that would be a big help. Easier said than done, and I say this as a children's librarian, but Amazon must have SOMEthing....

Writing was my son's biggest issue, which he has successfully overcome (he is almost 14 and keyboarding fluently).

For now, some observations:

Your point 1. Don't think of it as a stubborn hat. Few sentences or not, the task is truly daunting to him, and he most likely gets frustrated and overwhelmed just at the THOUGHT of writing. Writing is a multi-task function and, think about it, how well does your son multi-task?

Your point 2. I believe that your son honestly doesn't know what to write, in the way of a satisfactory answer that can be composed in the time frame and accurately recorded before his hand starts to hurt and his brain frazzles out from multi-tasking. He doesn't know how to take the rambling answer he wants to give and fit it into the limited number of sentences expected, and certainly not at the same time he is tackling the mental challenge of being overwhelmed by the very idea of writing.

What my son did by around 4th grade was settle on very short sentence answers that were, actually, brilliantly concise but, obviously, still not what the teacher wanted (TOO short). But, I look back and think of that as a natural phase that had to happen in between rambling and succinct but informative. We're still working on filling out details better, but my son is getting there. It was a huge slog; you have to be patient. Despite everything that makes it seem like they ought to be able to do it, they honestly cannot do it. That I learned over the years, battling tears and frustration and "I don't care" acts.

Hopefully your son's writing issues are not as acute as my son's were but ... how you describe it all is completely familiar. This was a long, hard, road for us and you are just at the tip of the ice berg with it. Be wary of forcing your son to do too much writing work catch up at home; if he gets too frustrated, he WILL tune out, possibly for good. That answer about getting an F? He isn't caring simply because he does not see a way to accomplish the task. My son has done that often: he turns his caring off because he has no interest in fighting a battle he does not believe he can win. I have always seen that as a big red flag that we are asking too much from him, and I have always carefully changed course, usually in what turned out to have been in the nick of time.

At this age I recommend scribing for your son, anywhere from 50 to 100% of the homework, based on what you believe he can comfortably do (set the guidelines up front, so he knows how much he has to do, and when he can have you write for him; that will reduce issues with begging you to write at times it really isn't appropriate). Your son needs to focus on learning to sort his thoughts into concise answers, and focus on the content of the material. The pragmatic language issues of an AS child his age are quite challenging all by themselves. Right now the difficulty with writing is distracting him from learning to communicate knowledge. So, remove the barrier.

I also recommend setting a time limit for doing the work at home. Here is the trade off you tell the child: if you sit down and work hard for X minutes, then even if the work is not done, you are free for the day. But you MUST be focused and working for that time, or you don't get the sign off. At his age probably sessions of 15 minutes are appropriate; schedule it as 15 minutes work, 15 minutes something super fun, 15 minutes work, etc. Then he is DONE. This was a brilliant tool suggested by my son's 3rd grade teacher that really taught him to sit down and START what otherwise seemed like an overwhelming task. He used to be defeated before he ever started, because he saw the homework as this never-ending task that simply could not be done in anything resembling a reasonable amount of time. If you are now adding schoolwork to homework, I am sure your son will see it as consuming all his home time. He needs to understand in a tangible fashion that it will not.

In his IEP he should have some Resource and OT time to work on the physical skills involved in writing, without having to consider content. I wasn't there so I'm not totally sure what they did, but I think there were dot to dot type pencil activities, tracking exercises, hand strengthening, and so on.

I have some other posts on this board that detailed the whole road with writing, if you have a chance to search them. One of these days I need to combine all these into a single blog entry ... writing problems come up a LOT and we had to play it all by ear, it seemed, but it WORKED and I can't begin to tell you how much relief I felt when I realized we were pretty well through the barriers. Meanwhile, I'm going to start copying all posts like this into my WP blog, if you don't mind.

And, yes, do have the ASD talk. A common strategy is to use books (All Cats Have Aspergers is popular) and / or the "your brain works differently" talk. We did the later, and sold it as having benefits as well as difficulties, plus added in a few role models suspected to be AS (Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, etc). Another topic we have lots of threads on here.

Not very, that's for sure. The apple falls very close to the tree on that account.



This is wonderful stuff; thank you SO much. I really don't want him to hate writing, my proposed approach could very well end up doing that. Homework itself isn't much problem -- it's mostly math, with only a tiny bit of writing. We've been spreading that over several days (they send home the week's work on Mondays), so that he can write one sentence a night rather than four all at once.

We've been lucky in that his teacher is very responsive to him, and to our concerns, so if we can come up with a strategy that will work she should let him make use of it. He's just been back-talking a lot lately (cursed at me the first time just this past weekend), which I think is one of his ways of deal with the frustration of school work and home stress. But it's making her job harder, and the other kids aren't responding well to it either.



Please! And I'll certainly search out your old posts -- it's been hard finding advice. Mind you, 395 pages is a lot of posts to browse...but I'll cross-search "writing" with your username.



I just ordered the cats book (he doesn't have Apsergers, but two of his close friends DO), and this one
this one. And some DK "First Encyclopedias", which he will doubtless read cover to cover, for his birthday next month.

I can relate to all that what you're saying. I feel that way a lot as a kid and still feel that way sometimes. Your kid could have poor impulse control or feels the urge to do things so he does it and doesn't know why he did it. He could have compulsive issues and feels the need to do something when it comes to his head or it won't stop telling him to do it. I think only occupational therapy will fix this. That's what I had as a kid and it helped out a lot and now I can control it better.

About not knowing what to write, I had this problem a lot as a kid. I had difficulty with free writing or writing about anything. I realize now that as an adult my mind doesn't work that way so I need more information like I need to know what to write about. You could give your kid ideas like write about his special interest, write about his siblings, write about his pet, write about his school and even if you do give him ideas what he can write about, it can still be difficult because it's about verbalizing your thoughts and how to write them down and organizing what you are going to say. Writing and talking is not the same thing.

We talked about autism on Friday night, and it was a complete anticlimax. I had the whole speech built up in my head, mentally prepared answers to the questions that I knew he would ask, waited until he was in a particularly good mood....

And was met with a shrug, and a sort of "Well, duh, Dad," reaction. He said that his teacher had said something to him once about his brain working a little differently, and didn't seem in any way concerned or even all that interested beyond wanting to know how to pronounce "autism" correctly. Talking about his friends on the spectrum got him slightly interested, but only for a few moments.

I was waiting for him to do the usual, and bust out the questions a day or two later, but thus far? Nothing.

All of this says far more about me and my expectations than about him, frankly.

We also talked about writing, and how best to handle it. Right now, what we're going to try with his homework is this:

He dictates his sentences to me, and/or tries typing them up on the computer. I print them on his sheet in pencil, he traces over them with something darker. I am going to clear this with his teacher first, but I can't imagine it being a problem -- the main concern right now is just in learning how to properly organize your thoughts into sentences.

What we're going to do with his writing at school, I still haven't figured out. We've only got a month left, and then the far less organized summer school, so I don't know if it's even worth introducing something new at this point.

It's good you talked. Too funny on the "duh," but also really normal. These kids know they are different. And now you get credit for being honest and putting a name to it. Imagine if you hadn't ... Wouldn't he be wondering why you either don't notice or won't talk about it?

I like that you've set a plan for writing with him. He'll work harder on it because he was a part of it. Not to say there won't be bad days, of course ... Just, kids really can be trusted to vest in important choices for their lives.

My son also has problems with his "brain" controlling him. He calls it his life, and it's like a separate person inside of him that controls his body. He told me this at 6, and I too thought it may be an excuse to get out of bad behavior, but I am for sure now it isn't. He says he has a brain (which holds all information) and mind, and when he wants to say something his brain and mind work together to put the puzzle together. If he can put the puzzle together in time, then he talks like other kids. He also has good and bad germs that constantly battle, and they are in his "life". When his bad germs are winning the battle, they turn the good germs into bad germs, and the bad germs lock up his brain and mind so it can't get the puzzle together and that's when he hurts people. He also tells me that when he starts getting frustrated, like if you are nagging him to hurry up, he says you are making his pieces go away and he can't function. For him, I think that if there is any adversity he gets frustrated and can't think. I also think he is talking about his impulses also, and the lack of control of them, particularly when frustrated or angry. I know that he is telling me the truth, because when he does something he knows is wrong that was impulsive, or that he can't think in time to react properly, he feels really guilty, which in turn makes him down on himself, which leads to more frustration and the snowball keeps getting bigger until we can get him out of the funk he gets in. I think this is way of explaing his difficulties with Exectutive Function. I think it's great that your child tells you this. IMO, he's asking for help, not making excuses. At least that is what it was for my son.

As for the sentences, he may have trouble coming up with something to say out of the air. If your child is a visual learner this could be the case. My son can't pick out dinner without "looking" at his choices. He eats literally 2 things for dinner. Pizza or grilled cheese. You would think that he could just tell you which one he wants..but I put a visual chart on the refrigerator and asked him to pick the correct picture and it works beautifully. He has no trouble with words at this age (9), and is perfectly capable of telling me and answering a question, but when I present it visually he processes instantly and answers, with words I have to ask several times. There was a lady on here who described this beautifully, but I can't find her post. This also has something to do with Executive Function.

My guess is that your child is pretty smart, and very self aware, and what's really nice is that he talks to you. I have learned to take my son very seriously. He really tries, really really hard.

That's not a bad description for a 6 year old. A bit childish perhaps, but I think he explains it well.

Of course it's childish, he's a child. The puzzle is Toad from Super Mario Brothers and has 100 pieces

Thank you for that post; it's a great glimpse into a boy's head. And it sounds very similar to Eldest, who isn't quite that articulate yet.

Last night, with many fits and starts, I got him to dictate a story to me. He had to do five sentences, and could not think of anything to write about. I offered many suggestions, but none were right.

And then he hit on Ruff Ruffman wanting Eldest and his friends on his show, FETCH! With Ruff Ruffman, and he had five sentences in no time flat. Tonight, I'll write them out for him to trace.

First, you're welcome

It's amazing how one little visual can spark so many ideas. I think my son thinks mostly in pictures. It seems that when teaching him anything, he has to have some kind of picture to attach to it. It doesn't even have to be related exactly, but I think with a visual picture he is then able to attach to that picture the concept he needs to remember, or he may see things in that picture that he can build on, like your son did with Ruff Ruffman. I think this is what the puzzle does for my son. He's feeling frustrated, and he is seeing the puzzle in his head because that is a picture he used to relate to frustration. He's into super mario, so it makes sense that the puzzle is of toad who happens to have a large round head, and a puzzle comes apart, just like he does when he's losing control and goes together, just like his brain does when the good germs are winning.

I wonder if you could have your son draw things that he is feeling, and maybe kill two birds with one stone by practicing using a pencil to write and draw and at the same time helping him to tell you what he is thinking and how he's feeling, or even what he did to get in trouble. Tell him you want to understand the situation and help him figure out how he can get control of his brain. Believe him that he is out of control and let him know you want to help so he doesn't feel so bad about himself because he did something "wrong" that he can't control. It may take some interpretation communicating that way, but you may get more insight, and drawing is fun and can be a good reinforcer because he did such a good job.

Also, your son sounds like mine when he gets in trouble, and we aren't big punishers either. He probably is afraid of punishment because he feels that he can't avoid it because of his lack of control, or he is like my son who is a perfectionist, and he is a very literal, black and white thinker. If he makes a mistake it's wrong, which equals bad...mistakes are in the grey area, which my son does not have. I try not to come down on him for things because he does a fine job of beating himself up and he has a fragile self esteem because of it, so I don't want to add to it so I have to stay very positive and be patient and work through it until his brain is mature enough for him to get some self control.