Good discpline method?

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This morning the 9 year old Madison didn't want cereal. The past few weeks have been sausage and gravy or maybe Mcdonald's. She did NOT want cereal and whined/cried about it. Dad yelled and got mad. My parents rules are if you don't listen/eat/do X bad thing basically, you do a sheet of multiplication problems. So basically yelling and 1 sheet 2 sheet etc. Katelyn had 10 sheets over the weekend.

My parents used to do writing sentences I will not do X. In the eating issue above how would YOU of handled it as a parent? It's not my place if I say anything dad rather I do it after the discpline and the kids aren't around. That's good he wants my input but not until all the hoopla is over with. Kind of sad. I'm not sure if they are on the spectrum but since this is the parenting board I thought I'd ask this question here. Thank You.

being a person with food issues myself and having had panic attacks over food as a child and would certainly choose hunger over an unwanted food I tend to accommodate pretty much with food for my girl. I give choices for meals that I know she likes and if we are out of what she usually has I tell her well in advance so she already knows she is not having X that day. I often will find out what she wants for dinner an hour or so ahead if the selection is not great for her as when she is hungry she is more of a pain and more likely to just get upset about the whole deal.

As for disciple we use almost exclusive time outs. Everything else seems to escalate things with Jordan but a 5 min time out (her room or outside) calms her down and helps her to listen to us without just getting more and more frustrated.

I'm not a parent, but I'm a music teacher and I'm accustomed to getting kids to do things they don't want to do, like practice piano.

Rule number 1 is that you never ever punish a kid using things they should be doing anyway, like multiplication problems. You're teaching them that math=punishment, which can segue into school=punishment. Overall, not a good lesson to teach your kids. Time outs work much better, as well as taking away privileges. Talking in a firm voice works, but yelling and going crazy does not work. This is especially true for an autistic kid because they are more sensitive. When my mom yelled at me, all I did was freeze up or get angry. When I got angry, then I just wouldn't listen on purpose.

I'd say there are good ways to discipline a kid, and there are bad ways. In the latter, I'm not sure you could call it actual "discipline," more like just being mean.

Interesting I never thought of that punishment is teaching school=punishment great view!! !! Katelyn (the 11 yr. old) is at that pre-teen phase. Parents: Katelyn you were rude Her: No I wasn't! All I said was X!! !! Mom: But you're being rude now you're yelling! Katelyn: No you're yelling at me!! ! (10 min. later 1 sheet make it 2 make it 3) Cry upset then 5 sheets to do. It's crying and being upset and turmoil in the home. Sad.

I think it's horrible to have kids do multiplication problems as a punishment simply because, as horrible as multiplication problems are, I don't think math should intentionally be painted in such a negative light, and thus should not be a punishment.

When I was a child, my mother would typically offer to make eggs for breakfast but I didn't always like the way she made them so I would usually have cereal or a bagel or a poptart or something of the sort, which I would make myself. Why is this not an option at your house?

Sad. Going off your egg example here are my parents: Chronos you usually like eggs! Why don't you want to eat eggs! OMG! THEY ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN HOW THEY WERE COOKED YESTERDAY! Hurry up and eat the damn eggs! So we can get ready to go to school!! !! ! I don't have time for you to make a bagel (insert food) Eat the eggs I made you! OR (insert punishment) now adays as stated it's Multiplication sheets.

Parents in a NUTSHELL.

You did not say if Madison or Katelyn have dx's or not. I'm assuming they do if you are posting it here...

Sounds like a wonderful way for her to learn to hate math, feel powerless and to teach her that her opinions and feeling do not matter.

'Do as I say or else...' is generally a very bad approach for a kid on the spectrum. Talking about breakfast choices the night before and having her 'make a deal' on it would be a good idea. If she complains or balks in the morning, remind her about the deal she made. If the parents escalate, the kid will escalate. You really need to make the effort to remain logical and rational. Ask questions instead of demand compliance. ASD kids have definite reasons why they do some of the things they do. It's helpful to find out why - and learn their intentions - rather than just punishing them for 'acting wrong' or not doing what they are told.

I feel sad for the girls. It feels horrible to be so misunderstood.

The way I would have handled the original situation would have been, after the time for breakfast was over, to throw out the cereal and let her go hungry. Parents don't always have time to make different things for each kid, but force feeding isn't a good idea either.

As for the multiplication sheets - as a kid, that would have had me misbehaving specifically to get my parents to put together sheets of math problems for me to do.

We try to have foods we know the kids like at every meal but beyond that, if they don't want to eat, they can go hungry. I was forced to eat as a child and it started life long weight issues. I will never force my kids to eat. The natural consequence of refusing what is offered is to not get to eat until the next meal is offered. No snacks, no unhealthy make ups. Eat now, what we have, or don't eat.

Math as a punishment strikes me as short sighted, for all the reasons noted by others in this thread.

What Draelynn says works best for my son - get her reasoning involved early and often.

As far as consequences, I've been using a system called P3 form a book called Positive Parenting with a Plan by Matthew A. Johnson. It works with my son b/c it has a game feel to it, it's not super negative, and once the consequence is done (about 15-20 minutes) the issue is over.

You make lists of rules and chores. Then list a number of "Good Habbit Cards" each rule infraction will earn. The Good Habbit Cards are the consequences my kids will draw by random. About 20 cards are chores like clean mirrors or clean out a kitchen drawer. 20 more are good habbits like 20 minutes of exercise or write a letter to a relative or help a neighbor. 5 are grace cards and 5 are wild cards - when I decide on the fly.

I love not having to decide a consequence when things come up. I do this only for the wild cards. My son loves that after 15 minutes, it's all over. They also get tokens for each day they don't have to pull a card. Pay day is at the end of the month to exchange the tokens for gifts or money.

I'm not sure if Katelyn or Madison are on the spectrum but they have other issues. I agree with a lot that has been said here. I feel sorry for them as well,but I'm only the older sister and honestly my parents would HATE I'm telling "strangers" YOU GUYS about my life issues. I do it maily to get insight into my problems as well as other life issues I deal with and the turmoil and stress of discpline in our home is ONE of those problems. I wish they'd use something besides Multiplication sheets for punishment and mom would stop calling Katelyn A RUDE LITTLE b***h!

whaaa?! I can't believe your mom does that. My mom did mean things to me, but she never swore.

Here's the problem with some parents: they have this very rigid thinking when it comes to raising their kid and even if their techniques are obviously not working, they will continue to use them. It's like they're banging their heads on a brick wall in order to get to the other side. Sometimes you need to stop and think about an alternative strategy, like get a ladder.

Is it possible that there's an adult in the family that's more reasonable? Maybe an aunt or an uncle? When I told my therapist about a similar problem, she suggested that I express my concerns to my mom's sister. I am intimidated by my mom and I was afraid of a conflict, but my aunt grew up with my mom and she was in a better position to communicate with her. Also, maybe you can try a more effective discipline on them. If your parents see that your method is producing better results, maybe they'll change. Seeing is believing, even for the more inflexible types. In my personal example, I never acted out in school or with any other adults; I only threw tantrums with my mom. It doesn't take a genius to realize why. I responded well to structure and discipline, but not to messy parenting techniques.

You seem like you're responsible and you want to help your siblings. You need to have some quality time with them and explain that mom and dad are not always in control of themselves. You don't want them to grow up with them believing those words that come out of their parents' mouths. When you're a kid you are so gullible, especially if you're on the spectrum. My mom used to tell me that I would go to jail, and it took me a long time to realize that she was wrong.

Oh, I just realized OP is the sister. Please do the best you can to love those girls and negate the negtive messages of your parents. Please help them see all of their God-given good qualities and tell them they are not ____whatever names your parents call them_____. Katelyn could be on the spectrum if she is can't help but appear rude to your parents. Aspies often appear rude but they cannot understand that others have different perspectives than they do. I hope and pray that someone intervenes and shows your parents a better way to parent. Aspies need extra special parenting.

Ya Katelyn does show rudeness which is an Aspie trait I'm mention time and again to mom/dad perhaps she doesn't know she's rude. Madison is having school issues and does well with multiplication but awful at reading comprehension. (Reading short stories answering questions about the story) She has some learning disability. I've suspected them of being on the spectrum somewhere. Madison is very immature and childlike for a 9 yr. old she has a lot of growing up to do. I'll try to treat them right. Thanks.

I haven't had a chance to read all the responses, and of course I don't know the details of this situation. I would not force a specific food on her, but would encourage her to get her own breakfast if she didn't like what I offered. If she was angry and tantruming that she wasn't getting a sausage and gravy, I would ignore it until she calmed down, then let her choose her own breakfast as long as it's within reason. If she didn't want anything I'd offer milk or juice or let her go without breakfast as long as that's her choice. If she absolutely needed to eat something I'd pack some dry cereal in a baggie and send it to school/camp in her backpack so she could eat it later is hse wanted to.

To me, all parents can do is offer healthy choices and support kids in knowing their own hunger. The last thing you want as a parent is to create a battleground around food.

Best,

Everybody else has already explained why having math homework as a punishment is a foolish choice.

The solution to this problem can be found in your parents explaining why they want her to eat the cereal. There can be a number of different reasons, each has a different solution:

1)Is it because they are sick of being short order cooks and they want her to eat something which doesn't require them to drop everything and cook? Then it's time to invest time in teaching her how to prepare her favorite food herself. If having a 9 year old fry sausages is too risky, they could buy microwaveable ones. The idea is for her to learn self- sufficiency so she doesn't cause them more work.

2)Is it for health reasons? Maybe they don't want her eating so much cholesterol every day. In that case they can set a sausage limit: 3 sausage and syrup breakfasts per week and then she has to eat something different. It puts the control of healthy food in her hands.

3)Is it because it costs more money and cereal is less expensive? Same answer as above: put a specific limit on the number of expensive breakfasts.

4)Is it because they have run out of sausages and cereal is what is available and they want her to eat what is available and not fuss about it? Then if she really cares, she can be in charge of making sure there are always sausages in the freezer/fridge. It will become her responsibility to check the fridge the day before and remind her parents if more sausages need to be bought for the upcoming breakfast. This will teach her responsibility while also fulfilling her sausage craving. My own daughter is quick to alert me that we have run out of Cheerios after I made it her responsibility to keep tabs on the Cheerios supply. The one who cares if you run out is the one who must monitor the stock.

5)Is it because she is in a crabby mood and whatever is available will be the wrong thing because she is just feeling contrary? Then she can eat it or not eat it. That's her choice and she lives with the consequences of not having breakfast.


None of this has anything at all to do with multiplication problems so they just shouldn't be brought up at all.