She broke my heart

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I was taking my youngest daughter with aspergers to an art camp for disabilities this morning. We were talking about how wonderful the new building was going to be because of course she wanted to go to the old one and was resisting the new location. After a minute or two of silence she said "I'm going to eat lunch alone because I'm used to it". I asked what she meant and she said that no one sits with her at school so she is used to being alone. My heart was broken. I knew that kids were offended by her ways of socializing, in your face and no boundaries. I even knew that the few kids that liked her had parents that thought that she was just a brat and told their kids that they couldn't hang out with her because "she was a bad influence". I have actually heard this when I was among the parents and they didn't know who I was. I just had never heard her come out and mention how it effected her. She always acts like it doesn't matter, and I thought I had lucked out with it. Today I found out that it does matter and she is hurting, she just shows it differently. On the way home after dropping her off, her comments must have apparently bothered her 11yo sister, because she said "when I am at school, the kids come up to me and ask if I am her sister. I say yes and they tell me she is annoying, or rude, or loud, or weird. I don't know what to say to them!" I told her to stand up for her sister and tell them that we are all different, but that they need to talk kind about your sister. To protect her. My heart hurts so badly for her right now. She is 8 and I have a 12yo son with aspergers as well. He has the same exact social issues, he is "weird" or so the other kids think, but he is more of a loner and can tolerate being alone, even if he would rather be with the other kids. I don't know what to do for them. I want to hide them away from the hurtful people, but I know they have to learn to be a part of life and be able to process this stuff. People in general can be mean and I can't shelter them, but I so want to.

Your children need social skills training at their school. My son went for this and it helped him a lot BUT he still couldn't make any friends at his CURRENT school because word was already out that he takes a van to school and goes for social skills training. (Parents are WORSE than kids). They made him "the" outcast. Today is his last school day. We're moving to another school district where he can actually USE what he learned from social skills training with brand new people who don't know where he came from. So, he'll stand at least a chance.
Believe it or not, even the parents of special needs kids can be snotty - it's a matter of who's "more" autistic - your child or theirs? People really are sick.

How do you get the training? She is seeing the guidance counselor and has a wonderful teacher, but they aren't offering it, no matter how often I go and complain. She has a 504, but that is just things that WE have come up with. I don't even know how to go about finding a new school that can offer the social skills classes. I would love to help her. She will be in 4th grade this year, and I know the younger you help, the better, and she definately needs it before middle school, if my son is any indication of how kids can be. I agree with the parents of special needs kids. Because she is better equipped in some areas, I get told that I am lucky and should stop "complaining", if I ask about a problem. From my understanding, this disorder is very diversified, so why wouldn't my experiences be different? I am DEFINITELY not in a competition to have a more autistic child. I am here to try and make sure she is a self sufficient and well rounded PERSON. I tell her that people can be mean about nearly everything, no matter what personality we have. We all have to learn to be happy with ourselves and one day everyone else will figure it out. Thanks.

I don't know that there are any easy solutions. My son (14) has been in wonderfully diverse and accepting schools, he's been under the wing of one of the most popular kids in school, he's had social skills training at school (lunch bunch in elementary, speech in middle) but he still struggles.

The social rules of kids are transitory and no adult can teach them, as much as they try. My son is quite blunt about this. He can impress all the adults. He can't impress the kids.

And my son has no desire to fake interest in things just to be part of a group. When he had a falling out with the kids who share his interests (in the big pond of middle school he did find them), he was welcome with the popular kids because of the one boy, but he couldn't get comfortable sitting with them; he had no interest in or knowledge of anything they talked about.

He was born to be social, he has always been drawn to people, but life is beating him down and he now considers future hermitage to be the ideal. With so many advantageous around him, I thought we could avoid the bitterness I've seen in so many on this forum. But it's looking like we can't, this is just how it is going to be, and it totally breaks my heart, but I have no answer, except to keep on trying and grabbing the advantageous you can.

Here-in lies the ultimate question... Should I even bother with school or homeschool? I thought it would be helpful for me to do the therapy with her since we can't get anyone else to do it as part of her daily routine and the end of the day is shot for her, overstim takes it's toll. On the other hand, you have to be able to expose them to the situations you are trying to teach them to handle, and at home, if anyone is like us, we have been very hands on and have a lot of the "home issues" under control. Both my son and daughter are comfortable here, so they respond with some forethought here, but in the real world, it all goes out the window because that is not where they learned the coping mechanisms. Ugh...

IMO: the worst thing one can do for their child is feeling sorry. To be blunt: if you are overweight you wouldn't like people to feel sorry for you. She is not heartbroken but you are, why? It seems that to her, having friends is not that much important as it is for you.
Of course, it feels good to be recognized and loved and adored though it is not healthy to depend ion it.

Anyway in practical sense, while your daughter my not be a social butterfly, one can try to find one friend that she can hang out in school. Maybe invite some special girl or boy for a playdate or try to find out what sport they are going to and try to build some contacts with parents there.

She displays stress differently than most. She NEVER mentions things like that unless it is really bothering her. She was moping into the class because she was stressed. If you knew her, you'd know that she smiles almost incessantly. She talks about not having friends all the time, but never with such... dismay, for lack of better term. I thought maybe she had it like her brother and was happy being alone, that's why it pains me so much, partially because I didn't realize it was so hard for her. The camp director said there was a little girl that had AS too and they connected right away. My dd snuck a water balloon in her lunch box and popped it in this girl's face accidentally (she drew a face on it, named it turnip and was trying to squeeze it to make it talk). Fortunately the girl thought it was funny until my dd melted down and then she did too. We'll see if they are ok tomorrow. Art camp is an alternative environment, so hopefully this will give her the latitude to flex her socialization muscles without such a strict assumption on behavior.

I am glad that things are working out but even if she doesn't find a friend now, it is not the end of the world. She has you, the rest of the family at the moment and things do change i.e. one day she'll find a friend. She is too young to be desperate, see this as a temporary challenge that she is surviving through.

I know. I try to remind her that a good friend for anyone is hard to find so just enjoy the ride. She gets left out by her brother and sister a lot, being the youngest, so she is a bit more sensitive to it. They all get along really well, but she is the youngest... that somehow has remained very much NT, even with all the aspies in the house:)

I think I agree with you here. My 12yo son has AS and acts what you may call "bitter" but it is mainly when things don't make sense to him or are not logically enacted for him. He Does get angry and talks as if the world is out to get him, but if you actually listen with their point of view, it comes across as more of instructions into how they see the world. It is a technique I have used to make the proper boundaries for my kids, but in an individual way so that it is in their language. Sometimes no just is no, even if it doesn't make sense to them, and when that it the answer it usually if followed up with, trust me I have always taken care of you. I can handle to day to day stuff fine with them because after all, they are individuals and deserve to be treated and such, just like we want to be heard and treated this way. My issue is that when they leave the protection of my "bubble" they forget what they used at home and the over-stimulation brings them right back to square one. I don't want to shelter them or "change" them, but I am mom and I would like to teach them in a way that they can use when they are under sress or over-stimulated. Something that is a trigger for them to remember. have yet to find that.

The fact of the matter is, the concept that one should be accepted just how they are, no matter how different they are from others, or in what way, is not always realistic.

Your daughter needs to learn to be more self aware meaning more aware of her actions and reactions with respect to social situations and how others are perceiving those actions and reactions.

You may want to see if there are any social skills groups for children her age in your area. If not, watch her interact with other children. Record this if you can. Don't interfere just observe, even if they are being mean to her or she is getting upset. Analyze this like an anthropologist would. Identify at what point the interactions take a negative turn, what precipitated this, what part your daughter played in it and how she could have prevented this.

How is she being rude or annoying? Help her identify this and help her correct the behavior.

I remember my daughter coming out with a similar revelation about 18 months ago. She told me she didn't have any friends and it made her feel sad. She said sometimes she would talk to her teddy. Sometimes she would find a teacher and walk around the school grounds and hold their hand. This was an 8yr old, not a little wee child.
It went on for a bit. Now she has worked out how to get on with kids better so she seems pretty happy.