Handling Child Tantrums,

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My 7 year old son is always throwing tantrums. I think he is NT.
wheras im Aspie.
He is good with socialising etc.
His main problem is disobedience.
he backanswers and for everything he says NO
if i ask him to start studying he cries, cries and doesnt pay heed
if i call him home after his playtime he says NO and runs away
Also he makes potty in his pants while playing and doesnt come home
to get it cleaned
he continues playing.

I cant handle his tantrums. I was brought up in a violent environment
and suffer from PTSD, depression, moodswings.
I try to be calm with him, not spank him, not yell and be cooperative
But nothing works out and things are getting out of control.

any guidance.

Having frequent bowel movements in his pants which he ignores, is not the ordinary behaviour of NT 7-year olds. Frequent tantrums are also not very ordinary behaviour for kids that age. I would say it's possibly time to have the situation evaluated by professionals, starting with the family doctor to rule out certain common physical problems like chronic constipation and maybe ADHD. I'm afraid it sounds like you both need more professional intervention than random advice on an online forum.

i showed him to family padetrician but he just dismissed the case by saying feed him bananas
They i showed him to a homeopathy doctor who was giving good counselling and medicine
his behaviour had changed for a while also she diagnosed him with ADHD and told me that by
giving homeopathy medicines his ADHD will come under control.
Now i am really confused since he as started the potty making behaviour again

Find a new pediatrician. Not to knock on any alternative medical providers but from your brief description, it sounds like you might need help from other professionals - maybe a good family therapist?

my husband contacted a child psychologist she charged a bomb and said that we need to ignore the child and if we ignore he will stop doing such things....
my god...we paid a bomb just to know that we need to ignore

That doesnt sound very helpful!
How do you ignore your child if he wont come inside....leave him out all night? Id demand a refund!
Also I was concerned when you mentioned him pooing or peeing in his pants. This could be either a physical problem or a common problems Aspies have when they are too focused on what they are doing. I have this problem with both my kids (one Aspie one Autie). If they are playing a game and do not want to stop they do not get to the toilet in time. My son is nearly 9 and has stopped finally but my 6 year old Autie has a lot of issues still. We keep towels on our computer chair and we take her frequently. Sometimes she will just go by herself but she does not know how to clean herself afterwards so we have to listen for her going in there and we have to get there before she pulls back up her pants.
So has he been fully evaluated for ASD?

It is the correct advice, though, for normal tantrums. When the kid learns that he never gets his way by throwing a tantrum, then he'll start using them less. And when bringing him inside, "ignoring the tantrum" means bringing him inside even though he's having a tantrum, so he won't get the idea it helps him stay outside longer. Don't punish him, don't reward him, do what you would have done if he hadn't had the tantrum.

Also, try to anticipate his needs so that things you would give him if he hadn't thrown a tantrum you give him before the tantrum starts. Pay extra attention to him when he's being well behaved, so he doesn't have to throw a tantrum to get attention, that kind of thing. That way he knows he can get things he needs without throwing a tantrum.

The question is, how can one be sure it's an NT tantrum? This is good advice only if you know why the child is having a tantrum - if they are having a regular tantrum to get attention and get their way, yes, this might work. If they are having a meltdown because they don't understand what's expected, or they are otherwise overwhelmed and can't handle the situation, this might work inconsistently, or it might exacerbate the problem (with an NT tantrum, the tantrums increase in intensity for a short while and then go away.) Typically, this type of NT tantrum, refusal or disobedience does not involve toileting accidents.

Many people consider my AS son to have good social skills - he is able to mimic behavior well enough that people can't tell he is using scripting rather than following social cues. His AS shows most in the types of situations you describe, which all involve transitions or change; he has real difficulty changing from one thing to another, especially if it's from something he wants to do to something he dreads.

For years we thought this was disobedience and treated it as such, with no success at all. Now, we realize it is a symptom of internal rigidity; we try to adhere to predictable routines and to give my son a lot of visual cues and warnings that something is about to change. Sometimes it's helpful to imagine that my son is looking at the world through a very high-powered telescope: you know how it takes a long time to find a new object with a telescope after you've focused it on something? I think that's kind of like what happens to him when we ask him to change what he's doing.

We give him extra time to drag his feet a bit, and don't expect him to jump immediately when we say so. With those accommodations, my son is able to follow the directions he's given with a lot less anger.

I agree with others here - it does not sound like the behaviors of an NT child. You may have better luck finding a professional is you look for a doctor referral through a local support group or agency. I don't know where you are but it does sound like you need some local support.

If your child is on the spectrum, I would suggest reasoning with him. Many ASD kids need to have concrete reasons fro why something must be done. "I said so' is an easy way to escalate an ASD kid. If your son does not respond at all to solid logicl reasoning, it may be something else at work. There are many conditions that could cause oppositional behavior.

Start keeping a detailed record of your son's behaviors, his diet, his activites. It could be very helpful when you do find a good, qualified, experienced doctor.

I hate to ask this, but are you in India? I have read several stories from Indian mothers who have been told by their doctors that they just aren't tough enough with their discipline. I find that incredibly disturbing and something that pervasive will be difficult to circumvent.

Best of luck to you, mom! Hang in there. You'll find an answer.

we have been treating him long time now with conventional medicines but this problem is not sorting out also we did some Xrays to find the causes but nothing.

Now i trying some alternative methods and let see if it works...

Otherwise i would have to get him tested but then here doctors are not that good atleast thats what i felt.

It's fairly easy to tell whether it's a normal tantrum or a meltdown. Simply give in. In the case of his crying when told to study, tell him, "okay, you don't have to study today" - and mean it. If the crying ends, it was a tantrum. If the child continues crying unabated, it's not a tantrum. Perhaps the original poster has even tried this already, and that's why she thinks he's neurotypical, and these are tantrums rather than meltdowns.

That only works for tantrums when you know what the child wants or what caused it, true, but based on the original post, it appears that the original poster is in fact aware of what causes the problems in most of these cases. The issue doesn't seem to be that she can't figure out why the child is acting as he does, but rather than the situation overwhelms her - which as an aspie parent, I fully understand. When faced with a tantrum, the temptation for an aspie parent is just to give in to avoid a stressful social situation between parent and child, and if the aspie parent gives in to that temptation much, that just reinforces the child's use of tantrums to get what he wants.

Note that a child need not be neurotypical to throw normal tantrums. For example, if the homeopath is correct and this child is ADHD, he's not neurotypical, but might well still throw normal tantrums. I do tend to agree that the child doesn't sound neurotypical, but based on the original post, the child doesn't sound aspie either. He might fit somewhere else on the spectrum, or he might not.

the most troubling thing to me would be the running away when told to come home. thats a safety issue. if my son were to do that, it would mean he comes inside immediately (even if it means carrying him inside) and he wouldnt go out again.

even nt kids need clearly stated rules and consequences.
if you refuse to come home when its time, you dont get to go out the next day.
if you refuse to do homework, you lose computer/tv privileges or something similar.

my nt son had some issues with going potty in his pants when he was 5-6. this always had to do with being too busy to stop and go to the bathroom. he is an extremely active kid who loves to be outside playing, and often he just couldnt be bothered to stop playing or waited too long because he didnt want to stop playing and then couldnt make it to the bathroom in time. that also meant that when he did have an accident, he still didnt want to stop playing to come home and get cleaned up. we prevented the problem from arising by prompting him to use the bathroom before he went to play, and having him come in periodically for a bathroom break.

"I try to be calm with him, not spank him, not yell and be cooperative"

that tells us what you dont do for discipline, but what DO you do? what happens when he refuses to come in and he runs away? what do you do when he backtalks? knowing that may tell us more about things to suggest.

The only thing I can suggest is to take way toys or events (ie. outings they are looking forward to) as punishment. Eventually the tantrums will subside.

Also, are you sure the bowels movements in his pants are just a result of laziness/not wanting to come in from playing? My nephew used to do this at least once a day, and sometimes he would get yelled at and be punished for it. A couple years later, he was hospitalized with a bowel problem and spent the next few years on medication. I don't know what it was, but it was a medical condition that he was really embarrassed by. Does your son ever hide when he does it or ever look embarrassed? If it is persistent, and your are not sure it is just because of laziness or something like that, you might want him to get checked out before it is too late. I don't want to get graphic, but I will say that the condition had his colon blocked off by something much larger than anyone's colon should contain, which had completely distorted the shape of it. He is fine now, btw. No more medicine, and no more accidents.

My alternative healing techniques seems to be working well..he is no longer making potty in the pants
also his tantrums have decreased...

Is this entirely true?

If an aspie flips out at the idea of eating carrots, and you give in, might they calm down? It is true that if you push until they are kicking and screaming, they can't stop, but if you given little before then, was that a tantrum?

What about overwhelm at the end of the day? If you bring up homework, and they are just overwhelmed, and start to meltdown, can't we expect that reducing the overwhelm will end the meltdown?

Iknow if I keep pushing until a full blown meltdown occurs, he can't just stop. However, when he is just resistant and I give in, it does stop all escalation.

If they aren't screaming or exhibiting other extreme behavior, it is neither a tantrum nor a meltdown. I agree that a meltdown may be preventable by addressing causative factors before the meltdown occurs - which is different from trying to fix it afterwards.