My aspie son is so worried and sad right now...

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I'm really worried about my son. His mood swings are getting more extreme, he's taken to scratching and thumping himself, and he's convinced himself he's going to fail all his exams. This is largely because of his refusal to do any homework for over a year, he's been desperate to keep school and home separate. I've had to take over all his revision timetable and supervise all homework assignments, since he really could fail everything, despite being very intelligent. It frightens me how he's sinking, and part of me thinks I should just let him rest, and not worry about exams at all.

When school is such a stressful place for an aspie, it sometimes becomes imperative that they separate everything about it from home. Do you know how much of his grades are dependent on homework and/or projects, and how much on tests? Find out if you can. Some teachers use homework more as a forced studying than as points for grades. If so, he might be better off studying in his own way than working more at home, which in his mind is basically making school last an hour or so longer. In any event, if he's stressed out, then you're going to have diminishing returns as far as his absorbing knowledge goes. Maybe the school can set aside some time for him during the day, like his lunch hour, where he can work on assignments in a quiet place there and not have to bring it home.

Have you had him checked out by a doctor? I'm saying this because my son has had anxiety problems this year, mostly due to school pressures, and he's taking Lexapro and doing quite well now. The difference is pretty shocking.

With your son that much wanting to keep school and home separate, do you think there might be bullying at school? Or social ostracism, which in some ways can be even worse. With the bullying, I really like my essay "Tight, defensive boxing to a draw. One week." http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt134616.html
To a draw because you're not trying to humiliate anyone, esp someone you're likely to see again. If you're his Mom, it might be a little bit awkward for you to recommend boxing lessons. And if you're his Dad, a little bit he might take it as a signal that he needs to excel (which I did many times) rather than merely be good enough. And if you go this route more practicing and shadow boxing, because you really don't want you son to take a bunch of blows to the head. (stuff about post-concussion syndrome and even repeated lesser blows to the head, largely true. And just like football helmets don't really protect, presumably boxing headgear doesn't either)

And with either bullying or ostracism, maybe a fresh start at a different school? And even for your son to have the option of that may feel like an absolute breath of fresh air.

I got good grades up through 10th grade in high school (age 16). Then a flood to our home, family issues, disappointment of school, loss of a friend, felt loss of friendship possibilities and less hope for the future, I crashed academically. For years, like a decade and a half, I rather believed I had blown it. This is almost a bill of goods that is sold to young people. Whereas it's almost more important for young people to get ahead of the curve and to develop good study methods and learn to pre-study (which I really think is the coin of the realm). Just the other day, I heard someone say that he advised young people to think about community college for the first two years, to keep down student debt and to have smaller classes often with better teachers ( not the overworked, inexperienced grad students), and then transfer to a prestigious school. And also, let's suppose someone failed out their junior year in college, maybe one of the worse times to do badly. And if we consider medical school to be the pinnacle. Well, this young person can regain good study methods, and go to a master's program in something like biology or chemistry, and then from that position of greater strength, apply to medical school (master's degree preferable, because I've read a medical school might hesitant pulling a person out of a PhD program). So, it might delay him or her a couple of years, but it is not a catastrophe.

I guess young people need a pretty good here and how and hope for the future. (I guess just like not-so-young people!)

Please Note: I AM NOT A PARENT. but I am a pretty good guy and I have lived the life of someone on the Asperger's / Autism Spectrum.

wanting to not involve school with home life is something Tony Attwood said autistics do often, I just don't get homeowrk and I never wanted to do it.

This is all taking a long hard toll on him, weakening him down more and more, if it goes on he'll just get worse, get him help, he is sick, if you have the flu you go to the doctors, he has something much more serious, I hope he's getting treatment.

Does he have an IEP? You should be talking to his case manager if he does. (If not, then by law he has to have one if he's diagnosed with Asperger's, and your school needs a kick in the pants.)

It sounds like he needs to talk to a professional so you can get a recommendation. The key here is to find the balance between tearing down his mental walls (which from personal experience is excruciating) and fighting the homework (which, except for math and science, is busywork designed to make parents feel better). That's one that you need to talk with him for. He's going to want to just not have homework, but he'll probably be willing to negotiate if you explain things calmly.

And remember that the golden rule of parenting is to always, always have a bribe on hand. :p

He has a formal diagnoses from the hospital, confirming aspeger's and dyspraxia. I'm his Mom, and in the past I've taken him to karate (he didn't enjoy it, he kept falling over, his dyspraxia is so bad). His father is also aspie, and has taken no interest in his physical education at all, never once took him to the park or the swimming pool... anyway, enough of that.

We have a history of mental illness on my side of the family. As well as being on the autistic spectrum I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, and my mother was either schizophrenic or bipolar... they never did decide. I'm worried, obviously, that he might be showing early symptoms of these. (He told me that he sometimes worried I wasn't his real mother, that I was a robot imitation.)

A huge part of me thinks that GCSE's right now aren't that important for him, that he should literally just concentrate on what he's enjoying (music, linguistics and history.) Unfortunately he also has to do his options.

I'm speaking to the school nurse on Tuesday. I'm really hoping that we can get to the bottom of this, before it becomes a problem.

I can say for sure that one thing that I've noticed as a student is that nothing makes me more depressed than anticipating failure in school.

Just tell him that if he does fail it's not the end of the world. I wish somebody had told me that before I almost failed my classes. I was getting to the point where I really just wanted to die I was under so much pressure to make good grades. I knew I wasn't going to, and I dreaded the day my mom would find out that I had done so poorly. When she did find out, I was amazed by how she reacted. All she said was that I would do better next semester, and made studying suggestions. Guess what, that next semester came and went and she was right. I haven't even been anywhere near failing ever since.

I do think there's something interesting about not wanting to do schoolwork at home. I'm not really sure why, but it has always bothered me to have homework. I like coming home after a long day of school with nothing left to do.

Karate is uber serious, like if someone threatens you with a knife in a public place. Boxing is more for a schoolyard fight or a college dorm fight. Hopefully it doesn't come to that, but nice to have it available if it does, and with someone you're likely to see again, one almost prefers a draw. (Of course, walk away from a fight if one reasonably can.)

I am well-coordinated and even with me, I have had better luck with individual lessons than group lessons. I remember going with a church snow skiing trip at age 18. Trying it on my own and really struggling, and then taking one individual lesson for $20 an hour (yeah, it was a while ago!) and that helped so much. It kind of gave me the major subgoals I could point towards and know I was on the right track. With karate, as part of the formalized kata, they have you move through awkward positions, at times slowly, and I could well see a person trying to hold position and then falling over. And then at one dojo, we would hold blocking bags as other people practiced kicks. I found this jarring and didn't like it at all.

With boxing, I found it much more natural than karate. A lot of it is standing and moving with balance and throwing a fast, medium-strength punch, and pulling it back fast and keeping one's balance. And a lot on blocks. And also how to make a strong fast fist.

In his book BECOMING A DOCTOR (1987), Melvin Konners quotes an experienced doctor, "Everyone deserves a lithium trial." Meaning bipolar is hard to distinguish from regular schizophrenia, but so much easier to treat. I don't know if it's hard to distinguish from schizoaffective. Plus, this is just one guy, it's 34 years ago, but it's so distinctive, even though I read this book a number of years ago, I still remember it.

I know a fair number of people here at WP have talked about being diagnosed with a schizoaffective disorder, and then later with Asperger's / Autism Spectrum. It gets me thinking maybe it's kind of tricky to distinguish between the two, and secondly, maybe in actual traits and life experience there is some actual overlap between AS and Schizoaffective Disorders.

Note: I AM NOT A DOCTOR. but am a pretty good guy and I read widely.

Maybe doing homework somewhere else than the home will make him do his homework since hes not doing it at home.

If it's high school don't worry too much. I failed High school but I'm currently a straight-A student in university as well as working on research publications with my lecturers. I found high school horrible (too many people, too much to keep track of, too much irrelevant stuff), but tertiary education where I don't need to worry about classmates and stuff is a "breeze".

Thank you Benbob! I read your post, and it seemed to cheer him up. Samitcheater... I've been telling him not to worry, his grades don't matter that much. I've also pointed out that at one time I failed my eleven plus, and it took me three or four goes to pass my maths' GCSE. Also that his father failed an important A level, and had to wait a year to take it again, and get into the university of his choice.

Aardvark, I'll keep an eye out for boxing classes, though I must admit, he's such an extreme pacifist that when a kid broke his cheekbone a couple of years ago, his response, as we were sitting in emergency, was to pray for the kid who thumped him. I still think he needs to learn self defence... hopefully now that he's getting older, and more testosterone is coursing through him, he'll start to feel differently about self defense. I can't understand why I was always such a macho aggressive thug as a kid, and yet he's inherited none of his mother's thuggishness. I should be glad though... he is bullied, but at least he's never been arrested or expelled for fighting.

I'm speaking to the nurse on Tuesday to express some of my concerns, hopefully they'll pay attention and see if there is anything we've missed so far.

Thwrll, I've suggested he go to homework club after school, and all that's happened is he's come home confused because he's not sure what he's supposed to be doing. These classes are lacking in structure, and he finds them unhelpful. We don't have transport, so it's hard for me to take him elsewhere for study... however, since I last wrote we've worked out a system, which is twenty five minutes study, followed by twenty five minutes rest, and every other rest he's allowed on his games. No more than three such sessions on a school night, five to six at a weekend. But at a weekend he gets a big treat for completing everything. (This last week was holiday time, so the big treat was on Thursday... we went to see Xmen first class, and decided that Magneto was cool... though a brief cameo proved that Wolverine is still the coolest.)

He's feeling a bit calmer now we've got this system. It's hard work for me, I have to organise his study schedule, but I know for a fact that if we stick to this he won't get behind in the same way again, and therefore won't melt down in the same big way when next he has to do exams.

Thank you guys, it means a lot to me that you've taken the time to answer here, offering your support and sharing your experiences. For a single Mum, this help means a lot ... I don't feel quite so all alone.

Hi my son is 12yrs had summer test last week, not sure how important your son's exams are. But I bought Indigo Essence (they are called Chill for my son and confidence my daughter whom is sitting her state exams) His anxiety was so bad, what you can do with them is they come in a bottle and you put some drops in a moisturising cream which he rubbed on his tummy before school and took the cream with him, it helps to relax you lift the anxiety. If my son feels its not working anymore I will just add more drops that way its not so expensive and last for a long time.

It worked he got threw that week and sat all his exams no problems. I can email you the information if you want there is a number of essence to help with different situations.

Annmaria

How about if he tries some outings with the idea of meeting artistic kids (maybe theater?) or political kids? With the general idea of getting some positives going right now.

And on the topic of study skills, for me, pre-study works wonders. It just moves the world. For example, sometimes ten minutes of pre-study is worth an hour of post-study. Yes, really! For then I can follow the lecture instead of getting so distracted. There are then multiple threads which can pull me back in. (doesn't work every time, but doesn rather put the odds in my favor)

I meant help him like at a fast food place, or maybe the park, or maybe the library. Some place that doesn't feel like school or home.