Managing disappointment when someone else succeeds

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I'm sorry to even be posting this, because it represents such a huge turnaround that it really should be something we are all rejoicing in.

However, my son's friend, with whom he's had a somewhat spotty relationship over the past year - that has improved vastly after DS disclosed his diagnosis in the classroom - called him from vacation to share that he'd been able to do two things that my son desperately wants to do: purchase a particular nerf gun and shoot a machine gun. This child called long-distance twice to share this information (an amazing social success!)

Sadly, DS was angry. I think he managed not to be rude to the friend on the phone, I didn't hear all of it, but I'm pretty sure he was at least cold...he said something about what he's doing and shared some other news...but I'm certain he wasn't excited in the way his friend probably expected. He's also spent the day sulking and growling at us because "everybody else always gets to do what I want to do first!"

He's so upset that he can't talk about it. I'm not sure how to help him, and I also want to make sure he doesn't lose the social ground he's just gained. I understand that his perception is unique, and skewed towards himself...how do I help him see that he can be happy that someone else got something he likes and thought it was important to share it with him?

I understand the issue is with your son's jealousy, but I have to ask, why can't you get him that nerf gun and take him to shoot machine guns (there are places to do that in Arizona and Nevada)?

Why should everyone always get to do first, things he wants to do? Children with AS feel like they are excluded enough.

Anyway, you might point out to him the things that he got to do that others haven't had a chance to do yet, and wanted to do.



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why dont you talk to the other parent and take both kids to play with nerf guns and the shooting range??? That way they are doing at the same time, socializing, and hopefully mending the relationship with some fun.

I want to shoot a machine gun!

But in all seriousness, I wouldn't worry too much about this. Young children being jealous of other people's fun is not unusual. I would just point out to him all the fun stuff he gets to do that his friend doesn't. Point out the cool toys he gets that his friend doesn't have. And most importantly, remind him (as often as it takes) that comparing himself to other people and getting frustrated is only going to make him miserable and there is no reason for him to make himself miserable.

Most likely, he will sulk a bit for a few days then get over it. It is a phase that all children go through and I don't think any extraordinary measures need to be taken (aside from perhaps some ice cream to brighten the mood).

If this does become a point of contention between him and his friend, then sit down and talk with your son about not letting pettiness ruin a relationship. You can point out that whether or not he got to fire the machine gun can't be changed. But what your son can change is how he reacts to the disappointment. He can choose to let it go and be happy for his friend, or he can be upset, sour, and jealous and ruin a friendship for nothing. Sometimes you have to let the small stuff go as it isn't worth ruining a relationship, and your son needs to learn that sooner rather than later. Consider this an excellent opportunity for your son to learn the value of friendship as being more important than his petty jealousy.

Plus, the good news is that your son's friend is not here to see him sulk. This gives your son a few days to get it out of his system prior to meeting up with his friend again.