Any input...AS mom with AS daughter...

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My daughter was just officially diagnosed with AS about a month ago, and I've been diagnosed about a year. She is 13. I know this shouldn't bother me but it bothers me horribly...she prefers her father to me! He has ADHD but is otherwise NT, not much in the way of ASD traits. I don't know if she sees the traits she doesn't like in herself in me and rejects me because of it, or what it is, but it hurts me terribly. She doesn't do the "I hate you" thing or anything like that, but clearly shows preference for him, treats me like I don't exist most of the time. I think the other reason is that my husband did poorly in school because of his ADHD and I did well, and she's having a rough time of school this past year or two. I try not to take it personally but I can't help it.

Anyone else had this happen and any suggestions on how to deal with it?

~Kate

All kids tend to vassillate back and forth between which parent is their 'favorite'... and 'daddy's little girl' isn't a new phenomenon either.

Do you tend to be the one to do the disciplining? I've see it where one parent is left to 'be the bad guy' and the other parent gets to always be 'the good guy'. If parents equally share the discipline, the favoritism tends to even out a bit too. Do you have mommy/daughter time? It would always be a good idea to plan a time where just you and she can bond over something equally enjoyable. It can be something simple. My daughter and I take nature walks, bake cookies, color in coloring books, watch funny cat videos on YouTube. Right now, she and dad are playing a video game together so daddy is the 'favorite'.

I end up feeling bad when she comes to me and asks if I'll do something specific with her - something I really don't want to do and know that I will NOT be able to fake my interest in for very long. I try and accomodate her requests as best as I'm able but that isn't always possible. Try to not be so hard on yourself and just do the best you can. Lots and lots of positive reinforcements with some plain talk about your Asperger's and what you can and cannot do... and what is a challenge for you. I find my daughter is my biggest cheerleader when I'm struggling with something. She is always the first to ask if I need a hug.

Thanks...I think we do need to make some time to do a few things together. We do have some interests in common, like nature and science, and I think it would help to do that. I spend more time at work than my husband does (my job is more demanding) so that may have something to do with it too (and it doesn't help that when I get home I am absolutely fried from faking eye contact and other NT things). But, I think it's important that I do this.

~Kate

Keep in mind that one of the hallmarks of AS is a preference for the known and predictable over other things...if you're working a lot, it may be what's driving your daughter's preference right now. Plus, at 13, she's learning to detach from her parents anyway.

It's hard to be a parent in general: kids can't begin to appreciate everything we are doing for our family - they just don't have the perspective. Plus, you have to find a way to keep your sense of self, so that you can let them go when you are ready, and that means maintaining your own job/interest/etc.. I don't have a good answer - but I don't think you are at all alone in what is happening.

I think the advice from Draelynn is good.