Trait issue.

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As yall know I suspect my 2 sisters of being on the spectrum and NO they aren't officially diagnosed I just notice traits here/there which is why the subject is "Trait issue." Thanks (to get that out of the way first.) Madison who is 9 I saw some trait issues today. Mom said she was all touchy with her friend Jenna (touching her alot) Which I found odd and made me think to issues with "social boundaries." perhaps.

Also Madison wants to "plan" (As I do as an Aspie) Lets go do X Jenna then we can do Y. Madison dictates her friend being over. Also (while not spectrum based) she pitches a fit if she doesn't get her way (even in front of a friend.) Also kind of ADDish I'd think is her always being "bored" "Oh I'm bored" Even when she has her friend next to her in the car. She likes being engaged in her Ipod/DS/cellphone and if one is left at home "I'm bored!" Uh IMO (and moms) your friend is with you today talk to her strike up a girl conversation how is school etc. laugh/have fun etc. She does this with some friends and not others so that's an interesting observation. Any tips on the "touchy" boundaries and "rountine" issues.

Thanks.

It all seems spectrum to me, including this one: "Madison dictates her friend being over. Also (while not spectrum based) she pitches a fit if she doesn't get her way." This seems to be a theory of mind issue. My son does this all the time.

Boundaries can be a tough issue. I think your Mom needs to explain to her explicitly how much she can physically touch other people. For example, its OK to give a friend a hug when you first see them but after that, you should maintain some distance between you, like an arms length. I think this concept is so hard for a lot of aspies becasue there is so much nuance and gray area about personal space. There is an exercise with drawing circles where people like your immediately family and closeest friends are in the smallest circel. These people are OK to hug and hold hands with. In the next larger circle are people you don't see very often, more distant relatives family friends, etc. These people maybe are those that you shake hands with (for example) but otherwise you keep an arms length away. In the third circel are people you don't really know and don't touch at all, for example the lady at the check-out at the grocery store.

The "I'm bored" complaint I think that might partially be "I'm stressed" or in some other way uncomfortable. If playing the DS is a stress reducer for her she may feel anxious when she doesn't have it.

I agree with Bombaloo and maybe she can ask permission before hugging friends..

On the routines.. they can be real blessing or a complete nightmare. I have had my share of both of these with Jordan .. LOL I dont think there is a way to get away from routines with an aspie.. it's just part of life. I find them to be very helpful in the day to day stuff with Jordan but we have to monitor them closely that they do not get out of hand.

For example as a toddler we did a little play time before storytime before bed.. by the time she was 5 the entire thing was way out of hand and bedtime was a 2 hour ordeal. What started as 5 min of playing ball was not a complex imaginative game that took a lot longer.. stories were not 20 min instead of a board book..

So just be careful that routines are healthy productive routines that help her/ you in daily life rather than hinder it. Also with the controlling play and routines together .. sometimes we can get Jordan and a friend to make a plan together that includes both childrens ideas. This does of course require an adult to help navigate this one but once a plan is in place with the other childs ideas my girl will take right to 'the plan' otherwise she makes a plan in her own head and expects everyone else to go along with it but there is not a day without a plan.

on to the bored.. could be several things.. but with Jordan that really just means she doesnt know what to do right then. It usually helps to give her something to do or ask questions etc to get her talking. making suggestions does not help. I have to give her a specific job or task. If both the friends are not talking .. she may not know how to get the conversation going so you may have to talk to them and hopefully you can bow out of the conversation and they will keep going.

I went through an "I'm bored" phase about that age. I was learning from my peers how to use conversation as a form of liesure time actiuvity, but I really just wanted to play...but I was too old for toys, too young for boys....so in this peroid of adjustment, Im bored was my mantra. I had no idea how to start a conversation, but was fond of talking to other girls in the bathroom, but refused to talk to them in the hallway because of sensory problems. I was also big on routine, I had lunch friends that I would only talk to at lunch, but no other time....I seemed to compartmentalize where I would talk to people.

As far as touching - how are the other kids reacting? Do they seem to be reciprocating? Are they visibly uncomfortable (backing away, flinching.) Does the touch seem to bother or concern the other kids' parents? Many 9-year-old girls can be touchy-feely; it's when boundaries are crossed that touch is an issue that needs to be addressed.