How do I deal with emotional issues with my son and Me?

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My son is a smart senior in high school. He's in the National Honor Society, but has no friends because we live in a small town and he is "weird". Anyway, that's just a note to introduce his level of functioning.

Spencer and I have a very close relationship. so when we have an occasional argument where voices are raised (especially me), Spencer freaks out. Last night I was very tired and he was sitting there reading a book he likes. It was 11:00pm. He was glum because to him it's too much like homework. He has a tutor working with him to help him increase his vocab. He has to read a certain number of chapters.

He was acting like your typical teen, I guess hoping I would tell him he didn't have to do anything at all. Fire the tutor. I told him to just stop for the night and go do something fun for a little while. Not the right answer. To make a long story short, it turned into me losing my temper. I've told him not to come to me with problems after 10:00 because I'm tired and suffer from chronic pain. Not a good time for me. But life isn't perfect.

Anyway, I really need some advice. I feel awful that I lost it and awful that he takes it so hard. An argument doesn't mean I don't love him! But that's how he takes it. I don't know what to do. He is my heart and sole.

I think you should just talk to him when you're both emotionally able to deal with the issue. Explain that you're not perfect and neither is he and there are going to be moments where there is stress and arguing. It has nothing to do with lack of love.

Also, with my son, I asked my self the question, "If I died right now, does he have the skills needed to survive, be positive, resourceful, problem solve, and accomplish goals he sets for himself."? And then that is what I worked on. Sometimes what is good for you isn't fun, but it is worth it. It just depends on whether you think this work he's doing is worth it. Do a risk- benefit analysis DQ=benefits over risks or something like that... a positive/negatives list. That might help. Especially for him, to see that it will be worth it.

Thank you. I really like the idea of the risk/benefits. Maybe it would be better to teach him how to read for fun and skip the tutor. If he screws up the ACT, there's always the SAT. I guess maybe my tutor approach is too much like school. He really does need a break.

Thank you so much.

Also, my husband is AS and he could hardly read when he graduated high school. His vocabulary was so bad and his spelling was atrocious. But the reason was he did not like fiction, he found the books hard to follow and the people in the books just plain stupid. Romeo and Juliet to an AS? They are idiots. He didn't go to college after high school, he worked construction.

But then he started reading American history, rights and law books like they were the most exciting thing on earth. Now he has a masters degree and he's written 5 books. Your son may just need to find the thing that he's actually interested in reading and learning about.

[quote="JenniferMom"
He was acting like your typical teen, I guess hoping I would tell him he didn't have to do anything at all. Fire the tutor. I told him to just stop for the night and go do something fun for a little while. Not the right answer.[/quote]

I'm curious as to what he actually said. I know sometimes with my girl 'not the right answer' is not the expected answer. Sometimes she will ask for something and if I say yes when she expected a know she will get irritated and argue with me about bc 'that is not what she is supposed to be able to do' but then if I say no at that point it's 'but you just said yes' so it really becomes a no win situation. I have found its better to be consistent bc she just doesnt understand 'exceptions to the rule' and going against the norm really upsets her even when its in her favor.

I wouldn't worry too much about it. Having an argument does not need to destroy a relationship.

Just make sure you talk about it afterwards and settle any lingering resentment. A simple, "I'm sorry about yelling", followed by a discussion when calmer will take care of the issue. Let him know that nobody is perfect, and that expecting perfection is unreasonable. But while you can't expect perfection, you can expect people to make an effort to fix any problems that occur. And just like you expect to deal with his short comings and mistakes, you are also willing to deal with your mistakes, by apologizing.

As far as the book advice, I agree with pollyfinite. I really don't like fiction books. I am not highly opposed to them, but I haven't read one since 8th? grade. Once it stop being required, I stopped reading. However, I do enjoy reading about the latest inventions, new things, cool stuff, etc. He may prefer instead to read something like popular science (my magazine of choice) or something else. Just look up a topic that interests him and I can almost guarantee you that there will be a magazine about it. A love for reading really isn't about the reading itself, its about what you are reading. And since each person has different interests, it only makes sense that different people will want to read different things.

Also, may I ask what you mean about 'not the right answer'? I.E. how did the topic break down into an argument. Basically, what I have learned is that if two people find themselves degenerating into arguing, it is far better just to take a break, calm down, and deal with it later. Yes, that doesn't solve the issue, but arguing doesn't solve the issue either and just makes you angry at each other. Perhaps it would be best to come to an agreement with your son that if you two can't agree on something and it is going south, you should BOTH take a break, calm down, think about what you want, and what the other person wants, and how to come to an agreement, and then you can discuss it the next day or something.