Self Esteem issues

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Eldest and I have been at loggerheads a lot lately. I'm under a huge amount of stress, both at work and at home, and he's an extremely bright and energetic seven year old ASD kid with poor impulse control.

I try to be patient, I apologize when I lose my temper, and I do my best to accommodate his requests and desires as much as I can.

Yesterday, though....

He's been very insistent lately about making his own sandwiches and getting his own drinks -- watered down apple juice, most of the time. Which is fine, in theory, but his fine motor skill issues have led to him making a lot of messes. His sandwiches tend to look like murder scenes, with more peanut butter left on the knife than on the bread. I cleaned up a large spill yesterday morning, and an hour later he managed to drop a full (and open) bottle of apple juice into the open washing machine...after overflowing his cup by pouring too much into it.

I was less than pleased, and told him that he'd need to let us get his drinks for the time being.

His reaction was to declare himself a "loser", state that he shouldn't be allowed to have juice ever again, and that he'd be standing in a corner of the kitchen for the rest of the day. Which, again, I did not deal with very well, as I was busy trying to clean the mess -- "You're not a loser, stop saying that," and "Fine, if that's what you want to do," to the bits about the juice and the corner.

Where the corner thing came from, I don't know. The "Maybe I should be allowed [X] ever again!" is standard these days when he's upset; he'll instantly back down if you call his bluff, but he tends to use it whenever he's denied something that he wants.

However, the whole "I'm a big loser," thing is fairly new, and I don't like it at all. It's worth noting that he was fine fifteen minutes later, giggling and completely his normal self...but the fact that this came out so quickly is worrying.

He needs PT, we know this. Not badly enough to force the school to supply it, though. And we don't have the money, or the ability, to provide for it ourselves right now -- I'm working full time, my wife is suffering from a crippling bout of depression, and our youngest is also on the spectrum. Plates are full to overflowing.

Have any of you dealt with a similar problem?

Well one thing I'd suggest is to make these things easier for him to do. Get a water bottle and fill it with juice and have him make is drinks from that instead of a large heavier bottle. And if he eats the mangled sandwich I wouldnt worry on that one but I would go over how to clean up his mess and that this is also part of making the sandwich.

I think the outburst and the loser comment is just his way of dealing with failure. I dont have any great solutions but I do try to 'reword' things like this from my girl.

She says .. I cant do anything right!
I say.. I understand you feel like you cant do anything right. Everyone feels that way sometimes when they make a mistake.

I also try to throw in some humor to diffuse the situation when possible..

in this one I might do something like laugh when he said he should never be allowed juice again and would stand in the corner for rest of day and say something like.. 'Yes! We will ban juice forever!! laugh.. and nice try on standing around while i do all the work.. and toss him a towel. ..

I've even told Jordan that since she had showed off her excellent disaster making skills she should give us an encore of her stellar sweeping skills and then I stand and hoot and holler and applaud.. LOL Gets a lot of eye rolling but helps her move on and she starts laughing at me. She is a perfectionists and takes her mistakes really really hard. I'm always pointing out that everyone makes mistakes and that its just part of life and you have to get over it.

First of all (((hugs))) to you. My DH is battling alcoholism so I think I understand the stress you are talking about in being the only fully functional parent in the family. I think squirrelflight has got it right in making light of the somewhat dramatic comments that our kids make sometimes. I also try to make a point of validating DS's feelings of frustration. He also calls himself a loser sometimes and it breaks my heart. One of our latest struggles is getting in and out of the car and clicking his own seatbelt. He REALLY wants to do this without my assistance but sometimes it ends up in a lot of frustration. When he gets frustrated I say something like, "That door is really hard to close sometimes. Even I have trouble with it." or "Your brother used to have the same trouble with clicking his seatbelt when he was your age, maybe you could let him help you". Big brother has been really good lately about chiming in with simialr comments, and helping with the seatbelt, for which I am eternally grateful!

After validating his feelings, then I try to move on. I don't try to argue with the specifics of his comments like saying "you're not a loser" because it just doesn't seem to have any effect at all. If he appears to need a bit of a bolster, I try to comment on something that he does do well and has done well very recently.

On the mess making part of your dilemma, can you make a deal with him about doing PART of the sandwich making/juice pouring by himself until he has mastered the process a little better? Maybe he could get out the bread and the peanutbutter and the knife and plate... then you could spread the peanutbutter and then he could put the sides together.

I also agree with the idea of doing what you can to make it simpler for him to get his own juice with less possibility of making a huge mess.

Do not worry. I've been there. Still there, actually. I still loose it from time to time, less each time thank God. Just remember that you are the adult and you cannot allow yourself to loose control. He can, because he is a child. But you cannot, because you are the adult. Just try to let go and not too worry that much, because it's not the end of the world. That's what I do, at least, as hard as it is for me to let go. And I have noticed when I let go everything goes on easier.



I think it's great that he wants to do things on his own. It's healthy. Yes, his motor skills are not that great, he has AS after all. So he just needs a little help. Instead of a big jar of apple juice, could you buy it in smaller recipients, maybe single servings or tetra pak? That way the jar would not be that heavy and will be easier for him to handle. Also try to get jars easy to grab. You can also portion it at home and put a label to the jar he can use to serve himself. Also, if he wants to do things himself, he should go all the way. If he makes a mess, he should clean up. Maybe he will not do it perfectly at first, but he will get better. And he will learn that making a mess has consequences, so he will try to get better in order not to have to clean up. I tell you this out of experience. Every time my little one made a mess she had to clean up, and it helped get her more interested in not messing up. About his sandwiches being awful, it is not that important. But you can ask him to help you prepare sandwiches during the weekend, and give him tips or show him how to make it better.



Do not worry that much about his rants. My daughter use to do the same from time to time. She just cannot stand the word "NO". The only way of being peaceful with her is saying YES to everything she wants. Which is not possible. Just let him be. My daughter once told me "when I am mad I want everybody to be mad, too". And her therapist said the same, that she wants me to get mad. He wants you to get mad. Don't give him what he wants. Just ignore him, change the subject, or walk away. It is very nice to tell him "you are not a looser". You can also try to explain to him why you do not want him to serve his drink, but it will not work. They just want to get things their way. Once you explained it to him, you can start the ignoring/changing the subject/walking away tactic, until he calms down. To drastically change the subject you can make a very happy face and suggest doing something he loves -together-, like playing videogames, reading a book, playing a board game, or something like that.



You do not always know where they get those phrases from. Mine sometimes gets them from TV, movies, sometimes from books. When my daughter starts with that kind of talking I remind her she is very bright, but because she is so intelligent there are things that are not that easy for her (that would not be fair, right? to have it all?), and that she will get there but she needs time and practice. And by the way, letting go quickly is not worrying. Actually it is pretty common. Sometimes my daughter is completely mad, and suddenly she is happy, playing and doing her stuff like nothing happened. Sometimes they hold to their grief, but sometimes they don't.

I know getting help is very difficult, and costs too much (tell me about it). I hope this can be of any help to get at least a little bit out of your plate. Best wishes.

If you don't let him do these things for himself, not only will he feel like a loser but he will never have the opportunity to develop his coordination.

It's actually not unusual for 7 year olds to have problems with big bottles of liquids. They're heavy and the liquid sloshing around causes poor stability control.

I would poor some of the juice into a smaller bottle or pitcher which is easier for him to manage, or just buy drink boxes.

Peanut butter is also difficult to spread, especially when left in the refrigerator. It doesn't need to be refrigerated so leave it out if you don't. I would just let him make his sandwiches how he makes them. He'll get better at it eventually.

Another thing you can do to help with his motor skills and impulse control are karate classes. My parents enrolled me in these when I was younger and I do feel they helped with some coordination issues. Video games also help.