PARENTS BEWARE

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Once I read someone's post on this site that said, "We (aspies) bring out the predator in people". At the time I just glanced over it but I didn't think it out. Our children should NEVER timidly accept the BLAME for supposedly bringing out the PREDATOR in others. The predator is ALREADY there in THEM. Why should our kids imagine that they should accept abuse because they supposedly bring it out in others? If your kids think this, get right with them and straighten them out about this!! Once I witnessed a woman taking a beating off of a man while this man said to her, "Look what you make me do to you." I was OUTRAGED. I see this as the same thing.

It's called "Blaming the Victim". Rapists and pedophiles use this method in a lame attempt to justify their crimes.

I agree. And along the same lines, I think it's important to make sure our kids know their rights. People tend to spend so much time telling kids to 'behave' and 'don't argue' etc but we have to recognize that aspies are rule followers and they will do things because they think that's the right thing to do.

I have talked to my daughter about her Miranda rights, about what other adults can or cannot ask her to do. That she always has a 'right' to talk to her parents if she is unsure of a situation and the demands being placed on her. It seems that most kids automatically fight for their rights so rules are stressed . My girl always follows rules so we talk about her rights and times that her rights outweigh a rule. To my daughter rules are the end all be all so I have really tried to help her understand there are times when rules have to be broken in order to protect someones rights. A persons rights are the end all be all. the rules are in place to protect those rights. It's all about perspective and priority.

For example.. at camp the 'rule' is you have to participate. They had a particular game that was painful for her bc of her arthritis. she played anyway bc it was the 'rule'. I had to go over with her that she has a 'right' to not be in pain from an activity and that right is above the rule. We got together with the camp coordinator and it was set up so that she is allowed to set out from any activity. Problem solved.

Knowing their rights basic and legal, also helps them set boundaries which helps in situations like you have mentioned. She knows she has basic rights like not being in fear, not being in pain, not feeling harassed, not being treated, talked to or touched inappropriately by anyone, etc. She knows that if her rights are violated she should immediately seek the help of an adult. If that adult doesn't take her seriously she is to keep 'going up the ladder' so to speak. Our kids need a plan of action for what to do if they are being mistreated and they need it BEFORE they are in the situation. Training this line of thinking now hopefully will make her more likely to not accept abusive treatment as an adult as well.

So while nothing is perfect I do feel more comfortable knowing that my child knows that her 'right' to not be treated inappropriately by an adult is ahead of the 'rule' of doing what adults tell you to do. Rather than just follow all the rules it's 'follow the rules unless they violate your rights'. Every one has basic rights, even children.

i dont think ive ever seen anyone here use that as an excuse for abusive behavior, but it is definitely something that our kids SHOULD be aware of. just like most women understand that they are more vulnerable than men in certain situations, we can teach our kids to monitor their surroundings for potential dangers, including bullies. we dont want our kids to accept being victims, but we can give them tools to help prevent it happening in the first place.

like squirrelflight, we have actually talked to our kids about Miranda rights. my SO is very adamant they learn their legal rights, and stresses if questioned by the law they are to remain silent and ask for their parents and a lawyer. i am not as fervent, but i do agree its a good thing for anyone to know, especially kids who may not judge motives very well.

Squirrel I love your post.
Gratz on a very good thinking.

Somewhere along the line I picked up
"if you are in danger or being hurt because of a rule, you can break the rule."
and it has helped me make some important decisions.
Sometimes some naughty or eventually bad decisions -
or rather bad fashions of breaking them...
(yelling back at authority isn't really smart)

But I guess everyone hits an oops from time to time...

Anyhow. Glad you posted that, and I hope alot of people read and quote from it.

I feel like a sexual abuser magnet. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand that a situation has become sexual but once it becomes obvious to me....it is hard to figure out what to do.
I also have trouble with boundaries because of childhood sexual abuse.

I find it is safer for me to be asexual than try to decode sexual body language.

This sounds like really great advice. We haven't had any such discussions with our 5 yo yet but I'm thinking its about time. Given the trouble ASD kids have with generalizing from one situation to another is there anything in particular you have said to your kids to help them generalize this rule?

I also like the way you have spoken to you daughter squirrelflight-77. This is a tough subject to bring up with an Aspie or an Autistic child. My daughter simply would not understand and is trusting of everyone which makes it more scary for me to leave her with anyone. Even though she can speak she would have trouble explaining to me when something is wrong other than with her emotions which is why I keep a close eye on her behavior. If It changes suddenly something is going on. Like I always say when you are the Mother of an autistic child you have to be an expert detective. My son is afraid of people and already has "built in" and "placed in" (due to bullying) social anxiety. So I have to step lightly when explaining this. Its hard for us to teach our kids social skills and at the same time teach them that not all people or even friends are good (I was sexually abused by a friends older brother so make sure your kids know that even sometimes older kids can touch you inappropriately). I have a really good DVD done by John Walsh (who Im sure you know) and Julie Clark who makes the Baby Einstein videos. Its called The Safe Side and it was very helpful in my explaining to my son about staying safe and we have my daughter watch it just in case any sinks in. We have a secret word that only he and I and his Dad know and he is not to go with anyone who does not know this word or who my husband and I tell him its ok to go with. This is important because we have transportation to and from therapy and he will be starting a new specialized school next year with transport as well.
What the OP quotes is typical of an abuser, they blame the abused that is how the establish and keep power with guilt and fear. I lived in an abusive relationship for many years and people always ask, why dont people who are abused leave? That is why. It was my first three kids that finally gave me the strength to pick up and take them thousands of miles away just so we could be safe and resume our life.
Also I might want to point out that even though Aspies can be victims its not just because of our Asperger's. As Aspies we tend to be more hyper vigilant around strangers. We are the ones walking through a parking lot with our keys stuck between our fingers scanning and jumping at every sound. No one is sneaking up on me! Unfortunately I can be manipulated and I am aware of this which is why I tend to keep most people at arms length and Im more aware of manipulating tactics. It takes a special person for me to trust, like my husband. I also trust my two aides that come in my house and I feel very comfortable allowing them to take my kids to the park.

I was always told that it was my fault I was bullied.