How to deal with and help improve the persistent negativity

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My son's 21, and has been working his first part-time job for about six months now. He's a bagger at a fairly busy supermarket. There's little about the job that he likes, but neither is he hunting for another job or trying to figure out what he wants to do about going to school. He TALKS about the fact that he hates the job and would rather quit and do something else constantly, but that's all he does. He's been pretty negative and a constant complainer for several years now, though, so it's not just the job. His general outlook on life is that most of it sucks, which he expresses in over-generalizations about every little thing from the time he wakes up until he goes to bed. I know part of it is depression, but he won't take his prescribed meds regularly. My attempts to help his outlook by pointing out alternative ways to look at things only seem to make him feel bad. There's just my son, my teen daughter and me in the household, and two cats he loves-hates. We're all close, and homebodies, but my son's attitude and lack of motivation is bringing everybody down. Advice??

I do have advice, but most people hate my expressing it.

Ask him why he wont take his meds.
Maybe he finds they mess him up.
If so, maybe he should be on different ones.

He sounds exactly like me down to the grocery store job when I was 20 instead of 21.

If he's anything like me:

He does have plans but doesn't want to sharethem with anyone
He knows college is not the right environment for him cause he'd rather pursue independent self-directed learning/projects
He is stressed out and bored beyond belief by his job
He is in denial about the factthat he's not moving forward in life at the moment
He doesn't want to believe he needs medictaion to be healthy and wantsto believe he can pull himself out of things if he wants
He will need to figure these things out for himself
He'll eventually decide some drastic changes need to be made

Maybe he is too embarassed to ask for help? Maybe he doesn't know HOW to find another job - or develop a career. The vastness of the world and all the services and assistance that is out there is a mystery to alot of people and especially to an Aspie that's never been specficallt taught about it. One of the most useful things you probably teach anyone is how to advocate for themselves - literally, where to find numbers, who to call, what to ask - what to ask when you're not sure what to ask.

Try giving him some concrete suggestions and assistance. Something vague like 'lack of motivation' could actually be some real concrete Aspie issues at work instead of laziness or motivation or even depression. Definitely get his meds figured out and maybe see if their is a job center near by that can help motivate him. Does he have any interests that are translatable into a career field? Finding him a mentor in a field of his interest would work wonders. Maybe the local SBA or Chamber of Commerce may be able to help you out - they don't have any formal programs but maybe if you appeal to someone in the office they could recommend someone in a trade that may be interested in taking him under their wing.

Just ask him - if you could do anything in the world for the rest of your life, what would it be? It really sounds like he needs some direction.

My son is young so we are no where near this bridge yet but I have read that many, if not most, AS young adults have a very tough time transitioning from teenager to independent adult. I don't know if this helps at all but I saw this article recently

http://www.autismsupportnetwork.com/news/making-transition-world-school-world-work-autism-20394033

Would he be open to going to the local library to read more about his interests and how they might be put to use in a job? You might be able to help him get started on some research. Perhaps he might find something that would give him some inspiration.

I was the same way as a teen (and a child as well). I did have a goal...to become a veternarian... but I was always told it was a stupid goal and I should focus on being a vet tech instead because I had so much trouble with math. I didn't want to be a tech, I wanted to be an actual DVM. No one really believed in me and I knew it. I lost all modivation for anything. I never wanted to talk about being a vet becuase I knew no one would listen. I was very depressed and at one point sucidal because of it.

MagicMeerkat, are you aware that getting your certification for being a vet tech can be the first step to becoming a veterinarian? We have a vet's office behind our house, and I've seen several young people start out as techs there and either buy in to the practice when they finished school, or move on to becoming a vet elsewhere. The coursework is essentially the same as the first two years of vet school. I stink at math, too, but I bet

I think many Aspies have difficulty figuring out the steps to anything; depression exacerbates executive dysfunction (at least for me.) Maybe some kind of outline of the steps, with the first step being "you're interested in X...let's figure out what kind of jobs can you get with that"

I am aware now but as a kid and teen it was never suggested to me I start out as a tech, it was just suggest I give up on being a DVM and be a tech for the rest of my life. Wonderful way to modivate a kid that dosen't have that much modivation to start out with.

One thought - when I was 12 and seriously depressed, my parents wanted me on anti-depressants but I refused to take any pills because my school had pushed so hard for an ADD diagnosis and Ritalin prescription and I hated the thought of psych meds as a result. My parents decided instead to feed me St John's Wort, an herbal anti-depressant, and since I refused to take pills they gave me it as tea.

Perhaps you could talk that over with his psychiatrist and him, and see if he'd rather take herbal tea than pills?

It sounds to me like he's giving up and checking out. He wants something different, but doesn't BELIEVE he can have something different; as much as you point out alternatives, they may not seem viable and real to him. I think, as MagicMerkaat's story illustrates, that the STEPS can be really difficult for some people to see; the many different roads, how options that don't seem possible today can become true options if you try A, B and C. Since they can't see it clearly (and who can? Sometimes you've just got to strike out on a wing and a prayer), they can't believe it is possible. Perhaps it is the failure of logic? I don't know, but I do know I've seen something similar thing in my father, my husband, and my son, and I've worked really hard to show my family what happens when you just TRY the impossible. What have you got to lose? They have a lot of trouble understanding that, that a little wasted effort isn't a big deal, that the journey and effort have value in themselves. It is a real life barrier, to see brick walls where others might just see a hedge.

Which isn't much of a solution, but understanding the source of the problem is usually a start. If my read on it turns out to apply.

Read DW's post again. And again.
It reminded me the advice my mom gave me the last time she noticed me complain about my job: Son, when you start complaining, you're not that far from getting in trouble, or you already have gotten in trouble, and it's only a matter of time before you start showing up late, or doing something that will get you fired.

Of course I denied it up and down.
But in one aspect she was right: I was complaining because I no longer felt welcome there. Someone was mistreating me (for whatever reason, to whatever extent) and I was just "dealing with it" by hoping it would go away on its own.
***
I don't really know what I'm getting at, but DW is almost hitting the nail on the head:

There is a resistance to change: "But Mom! This job is effective and I've had it for X years"

There is a fear of the search process for a new job.

There is a "what will I do between jobs" - even though I know you can hunt for a new one while still working the old one, I've never been able to believe that it's possible

Anxiety that you'll have to meet a whole new set of people, learn a whole new layout, learn a whole new set of tasks, and be on bathroom cleaner duty as the newbie for the next 6 mnths.

***
Find out what's REALLY wrong at work. Tell him no judgement.
Ask if it's a specific person or series of persons.

If it is a person/people (as it has, in retrospect, always been wtih me)
This would be what i'd have told my mom to say to me to motivate me to move on:

Tell him he's complaining so much that there's obviously something messed up at his job that can't be repaired - his fault or someone else's. Ask if one of his supervisors is cranky.

Tell him that waiting it out is an impossible solution.
In the real world, the supervisors usually outlast the bagboys. Sucks yet true.

Tell him that a new place, he can start fresh with no entrenched enemies.

Set him some goals to achieve for you. (He loves mommy right? Make mommy proud just do these small things?)

One goal a week:
A: Bring you a list of 4 places he's gone to and looked around the store and familiarized himself with the place, and thinks he might be able to work.

B: Bring you the application forms for at least three of the places on his list.

C: Work with you one Sunday to put together resumes, cover letters, applications

D: You'll drive him down, nicely dressed, to the door of each of those places you have resumes for, and he'll go in and hand them up to the "manager on duty" (tell him who to ask for).

E: Keep working the old job until x time has passed, then he'll phone or visit to check on the resumes he's dropped off.

*** Important to worm it into his head that he doesnt have to do it all at once: that there is no time line or time limit: that it is a gradual process: that you aren't expecting it to be done all at once: that it's normal not to do it all at once: that he shouldn't expect to be able to do everything at once: this would have helped me to know.

I'll see you :

And I'll raise you:

One goal a week:
On the FIRST week (Start on date___________ finish on date______________:) Bring you a list of 4 places he's gone to and looked around the store and familiarized himself with the place, and thinks he might be able to work. This means about one place every other day.

On the SECOND week (Start on date___________ finish on date______________:) Bring you the application forms for at least three of the places on his list.

On DATE________: Work with Mom one afternoon/evening to put together resumes, cover letters, applications

On DATES: ___________________ ___________________ ___________________ ________________ You'll drive him down, nicely dressed, to the door of each of those places you have resumes for, and he'll go in and hand them to the "manager on duty" (tell him who to ask for).

E: Keep working the old job until ONE WEEK has passed, then he'll phone or visit to check on the resumes he's dropped off, asking to speak to the manager and saying something like "Hi, I'm FIRSTNAME LASTNAME, I'm (visiting, calling) to follow up on the application I dropped off. Do you have any questions? I'm interested in (whatever the place of employment does, sells, etc. that can be reasonably expected to be true and makes him sound like a good future employee (tell him NOT say something literal like "earning a paycheck." and NOT to complain about his past employer.)