My neice has AS...Any Advice?????

Post Reply New Topic

Hello all...
I am so glad I found this site. I have an 8 year old neice with AS, and it was so comforting to me to know that she will grow to be a fairly normal, functioning adult. I have had a hard time with some of her behaviors, and I am tortured because I LOVE HER SO MUCH it hurts inside. I feel like if I hug her enough, if I kiss her enough, if I love her enough...this will just go away.
But I know it won't. Do any of you have advice as to how to deal with this or any resource lists as far as books or anything that is helpful?? My email is [email protected] and I would really love to hear from some of you.
~~JEN~~

Give her lots of love and accept her as she is. And take the time to appreciate the cute little quirks that she has. Just act natural around her.

To use the worn cliche...what is normal? What do you mean by that? You need to ask yourself that question, because the answer will tell you just what your judgments and expectations of her will be from here on out. Will she live on her own? Most likely. Will she have relationships and maybe marriage? Most likely. But if not, if those aren't the things she wants in life, as some "normal" people don't want those things, then you need to respect and honor her decisions, for they are her decisions and not yours.

Also, be aware that by having AS, statistically, her IQ and her brain power is and will be better than yours. Are you prepared to handle the fact that she will "get" things faster than you, that she will make connections and solve problems faster than you? You also need to realize that she will wonder why you don't "get it," why you make the decisions you do, because they won't make sense to her.

Just as her traits are hard for you, so are your traits hard for her to tolerate. When you point a finger at her (metaphorically speaking) are you ready for her to point two back at you and put you on notice that what you do bothers her? An example would be that maybe her stimming bothers you, but realize maybe your perfume is offensive and the way you wear your hair or even your thought processes bother her enough to make her stim.

Just as in any "normal" relationship you must respect her differences and you can ask the same of her.

You must also acknowledge that many AS members here would not want to be you or be "normal," for we have many talents you do not possess and we have a way of looking at this world that we find much more interesting. Many of us find you "normal" people odd creatures and also find you boring. That is the truth and the truth is what will come out of her mouth, so be prepared for it.

You must look at the language you use when you think of her. Instead of saying my niece with AS, say my niece, because that is really all she is. Hug her, if she likes that (she may not, as some of us do not like to be touched), and always support her and lend a nonjudgmental ear her way. That is really the best thing you can do as her aunt.

I think it is great that you are asking questions, but also realize that many of us Aspies have been shunned, made fun of, pushed around and taken advantage of by people like you, "normal" people, so we are protective of our own. AS can be very lonely and we stick together as much as our AS allows.

Any book by Temple Grandin is good, although I consider her lower functioning than myself as I have a husband, a daughter, a graduate education, I don't speak in monotone, and I have the appropriate social skills, and I have many of the accoutraments of "normal" people, which Temple Grandin cannot and chooses not to have.

In the end, if you talk to her and treat like a special needs child, she will know you are patronizing her and she will only resent you. Us Aspies can see through that kind of BS. Don't use ambiguous language around her, for Aspies find that illogical and boorish, say what you mean in other words, and don't talk down to her. Those are two services that will greatly enhance your realtionship with her.

Tallgirl.

Thank you soooo much. I think most of my problem is that I live in CA and she lives in KY, and it makes it difficult to see the "new" things she does as far as stimming and interaction (or lack of interaction).
I have been very lucky. She loves to hug and cuddle (on HER terms, which is totally okay), she is very affectionate, very in tune with other's emotions (the last time I saw her we were at a funeral and I was crying--she said "Aunt Jennifer, why are you crying? Don't cry...")
Yes, my fears ARE that she will be shunned and isolated, even though she may not WANT to be. Because everyone deserves a chance to get to know this little girl that is so completely charasmatic despite of her AS.
I am PROUD of her intelligence. She has always been a smart girl.
I have learned a lot about AS over the past few days, after I decided to really dig in and see what older people with AS are like, because I wanted to get a general picture of what SHE will be like. I will love my neice no matter what happens. She has been the love of my life ever since the minute she was born, and that will never change.
Truthfully, I am quite angry with myself for feeling the way I do sometimes. My mother said it is not a question of LOVE, but of ACCEPTANCE. I'm working on it. And I feel like if I keep talking to people that have some experience, if I educate myself enough, it will happen. And what I have noticed about a lot of people that have AS is that they see it as a blessing and not a curse. You see life in a whole different way, which to me is something I wish I could do.
Please understand that I love my neice with all my heart. This is not a matter of being ashamed or embarassed, but of being uneducated as to her AS.
Any more input??? =)
~~JEN~~

I think jmdtova meant that the niece will actually have a life and a future. Even though the word 'normal' was used, you know perfectly well what jmdtova meant.



Woah, woah, woah! Wait a minute! Her brain power will be better than yours because she has AS? That is not really accurate. People with AS tend to have average to above average intelligence. That only means we don't have below average intelligence or that we aren't mentally ret*d. That doesn't mean we think better than other people. Frankly this makes you sound quite pompous, tallgirl. Sorry. I hope that this doesn't make you look down on those of us with AS, jmdtova.

Anyways, I think it is great that you are here and you want to help your niece. All you can do for her is love her. I wasn't diagnosed with AS until I was 16 (it has been 2 years since) so for most of my growing up years my parents and I had no idea what AS was. I am better off for it as I had to adapt rather than have others accomodate to me. My advice is to develop, encourage, and nurture your niece's strengths while helping her overcome her weaknesses.

Her parent's should finance the develpment of her talents by any means possible. She could make alot of money someday that way.

Well, there is no offense taken at all...my whole family is above average intelligence. We just thought she was "gifted" at a very young age. Of course her IQ is above average. It could be because of the AS, or it could be because of her family history. We don't know, and probably won't know. I am honestly so greatful to have found this site, because I have been so much more at ease since I have been able to talk to you guys.
And yes...what I meant by "normal" is having a family and friends, having a career, driving a car... I personally don't know what "normal" means either. That's just the way I meant it.
Judging by Maggie's (her name) abilities at this point, she'll probably be an architecht or something similar. She loves to build and stack things. But she thinks outside the box, so she'll create some super awesome buildings or something.
Let's keep this conversation going...it is SOOOOO theraputic.
~~JEN~~