helping a sibling of an autistic kid

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In my current volunteering program, there are two kids who are brother and sister. The older one, aged 10, is low functioning autistic, and his 8 year old sister is (probably) NT. Lately I've been assigned to work with the sister a lot.

She's an interesting kid, who seems to view authority figures in a similar light as I did at that age. (Basically, thinking it was unfair how they could boss kids around and not listen to kids.) I feel quite proud that she's told me I'm nicer than the other volunteers in the program - I set rules for her, but I always empathize and make sure to hear her point of view when doing so.

Anyway, what worries me is her view of her brother. She seems to really dislike him. (Yeah, I know, siblings often don't get along, but it still bothers me.) Recently we were sitting near the quiet area her brother goes to so he won't get overloaded, and his partner was reading his Social Stories to him. This girl started loudly commenting about every way in which he doesn't act the way the Social Story describes. One story was about how he should play nicely with his sister, and had a bit about how it's nice that he wants to hug his sister but if she says no to a hug he should listen, and she said she hated his hugs and he never listens when she tells him not to hug her. She also told me on another day that she didn't want to sit beside him because he was stinky. He's also physically aggressive on occasion, and she says he hits her when she doesn't do what he wants.

I know he can't really help it and doesn't understand what effect his behavior has on her, and their family is doing their best to try to manage his behavior problems, but I'm wondering if there's some way I could help her see him in a different light. There's one other LFA kid in the program (a little girl) and she seems kind of curious about this kid, so I was thinking maybe I could subtly encourage her to interact with this girl because seeing autism from someone who doesn't have as much strong emotions for her as a sibling might help her understand the condition better.

Perhaps what she needs the most is protection from an older male sibling who cannot control his aggression and has no bounderies. Why not explore this, as it seems to me, to be a most pressing need for a little girl of 8 years old.

If a young child is appropriately leery or fearful of an older, agressive sibling; of how much value is it to that child to understand that the agression is uncontrollable?

I think it is unrealistic to expect that an 8 yr is able to understand her treatment by her brother is uncontrollable therefore she should like him bc he is her brother. You just dont get more illogical than that.

If the boy cannot control himself the parents need to supervise their interactions closely so that they are there to control him. End of story. If he is hitting her, etc they need to prevent this.

Secondly, she sounds rather aspie like to me. In a family as this she may be seen as NT compared to her low functioning autistic brother and as his needs are more extreme she is more likely to slip through the cracks. Since it's all hereditary she is also more likely to be an aspie. I say this based on her logical reasoning of rules and adults and her insistence of point out all the things in the story that do not apply to him.. My girl would definitely do this one too. LOL Maybe keep an eye out and see if you think she may benefit from an assessment herself.

I agree, if he's hitting her or hugging her without permission then her feelings are completely justified.

Whether he can help it or not, that kind of thing really shouldn't be allowed to continue. If she can't feel safe with him, then she really can't be expected to be sweet and considerate. I myself would make sure that the NT child is safe and protected foremost.

It seems like Aspergers does tend to run in families where Autism shows up, so I also agree she should be tested if she hasn't been recently. Especually since, if she is, then things like forced hugs and rank smells could have even more of an effect on her - and she wouldn't be able to help that either.

There's a great program called Sibshops, designed specifically to offer support to siblings of special needs kids: http://www.siblingsupport.org/sibshops

Siblings of kids with special needs are in a really difficult position. First of all, they may have special needs themselves, but in some cases the needs of their sibling overwhelms the symptoms, and they don't get either the diagnosis or the support they need. Even if not, they have access to much less of their family's time and resources...and then on top of that, they have to deal with whatever their sibling dishes out, which can range from "typical" sibling rivalry to all kinds of other stuff.

I don't think a sister has to bury her negative feelings about her brother, and negative feelings are totally normal regardless of the brother's neurology, but she does have to learn time, place and perspective. That you can help her with. When she says that her brother hurts her, empathise (sorry to hear that, no one deserves to get hurt) and then refocus to something positive (but he sure is good at helping you with math!). If you overplay the "understand" card, she could see abuse as a situational thing ... And that is dangerous. She needs to keep herself safe while also loving her brother as he is. It's a really fine line to walk, actually, and not something I'm really doing justice to in this short summary.

I have a 21 year old NT daughter who was flanked by her now 24 year old formerly abusive early onset Bi Polar brother who later began using drugs (hes is clean now BTW and doing well) and her Aspie sister that she was responsible for too much of the time. I was a single Mom for a long time and even when I was with their Dad I did most of the care. It wasnt as bad when I was a stay at home mom but once I started working my NT daughter who is the "mother hen" type was very overwhelmed and is to the point where she does harbor a lot of ill will towards her siblings. Even though she loves her brother and sister, she wants them no where near her. She will talk to them now and then on the phone and on Facebook but we had a lot of problems when we all lived together when they were all teenagers. I once ended up covered in soda while I was driving because my NT daughter, who we just picked up from work and brought home food and drinks, threw her soda at my Aspie daughter who was in the front seat with me after screaming at each other for about ten minutes. Anyway, I spent so much time and energy focused on my two special needs kids.....then remarried and ended up with two more special needs children (both ASD), my NT daughter got pushed away and felt trampled on and used, rightfully so. I wished I would have gotten her some help. I did take her to therapy not long ago but I should have sent her when she was much younger. I also should not have expected so much from her. I think it has really affected her life, she did not finish high school even though very intelligent and artistic and she is in a relationship with....well, lets just say he reminds me of my son and has the same problems. She works as a waitress and has done so since she was 16. I know she is still young and I am always encouraging her and even offering to pay for school but right now she seems happy so Im not going to push her.
I think sometimes siblings need therapy and assistance as well to learn to deal with all of this!

This is a great thread. Makes me remember that my daughter should not always have to just put up with all of her brother's issues. I need to do a better job about getting her space when she needs quiet time from him. She has started being a bit introverted and her answers are sometimes super robotic, Yes Mom, Sureeeeee Mom. I can see from the look in her face that she is resentful sometimes.

I may just look into counseling when the school year starts up. It's free.