Difficult Grandparent?

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Hi Guys
Sorry haven't been around for a while - Have had a stressful few months (family illness and RTA) ...any whooooooo

Am having issues with my 12yo daughter and her grandma who are not getting along. My daughter mutters alot and doesn't like chit chat so when my mother starts giving her the third degree about school etc she shuts down and even wanders off. My mom is furious and I get alot of flack from her about rude grandchildren and how she would sort her out. I have tried explaining its all to do with AS but she just doesn't want to listen. I try to teach the importance of manners with my children by my mother seems to stress them out (she is a very stern woman). Any ideas..?

x

Maybe you and your daughter can come up with a short script of stock answers that will pacify Grandma.

Jannissy is much kinder than I would be. I have difficult parents, and my first solution is to try to minimize contact whenever possible. When we decided to share my son's diagnosis, we sent a list of rules, one of which was that we are the parents, and other people need to respect that and leave the parenting and parenting decisions to us.

It hasn't worked terribly well, but at least we set the boundary for the behavior that we expect.

In an ideal world, I'd tell Grandma that she has 2 choices:
Learn to accept the child's challenges and deal with them
OR
Don't see the grandchild.
But of course life is not that simple and in reality I wouldn't be able to say that to either my mother or my mother in law. Janissy has a good idea, maybe Grandma could be given similar instructions - like Grandma is allowed to ask 3 questions then she must leave the child alone for a given period of time.

I would probably say something like this to grandma: "I'm sorry you don't get the responses you want, but I've tried to explain the situation. You need to trust my judgement on this, and trust my ability to parent my unique daughter in the way that will work best. I want you to have a positive relationship with my daughter, but you have to let me handle things my way. I am an adult and she is my child, my responsibility, and as much as I love you, your continual expression of your opinion is not making anything better."

Stick to your ground. Your child, your decision, and she needs to respect that.

If you make an extra effort to make grandma feel loved and respected in other ways, it makes the line in the sand a little easier to accept. Try to leave the sense that this difference isn't about her being a bad person or parent herself, but that this one time you simply believe you know something she doesn't.

My mom didn't think too much of my parenting for a long time, but she thankfully bit her tongue on most of it. She has now learned more about AS from her friends, and has seen how well my kids are doing, and what respectful young people they are becoming. I know she now respects the road I've taken, it is obvious. I had to let her get there in her own time and in her own way, and I quietly stood my ground until then. I don't think there is anything else to do.

We have issues with Grandparents and a sister in law (my younger brothers wife) who actually threatened to leave Christmas at my Moms (my last Christmas in the US I might add) and drive over a thousand miles back to their house because she didnt like the way we (my husband and I) raise our children. We ended up going home as my Mother was very upset. We lived 8 hours away and they lived about three days away so I left for my Mothers sake. My husbands parents are doing much better with my son who has Aspergers lately but still do not understand my daughter with classic Autism and they seem to shun her. My mother in law touches her too much and upsets her and I think she takes this personally. My father in law yelled at her for breaking a glass one time which traumatized her for many months about anything breaking, it didnt matter if she was involved. It took me a long time but I finally managed to explain accidents to her. At least he is learning to stay more calm around her and understand how much yelling affects her. Still they seem to ignore her now probably because they are afraid of doing something wrong.
I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that they were raised in a different era and its hard for them to understand. Its a long learning process. Im hoping that my husbands parents understand my daughter some day because its sad to see them build a relationship with my son and ignore my daughter and seeing that she has anxiety because of that.

I think it does have alot to do with different eras. My mom is very strict and not affectionate in any way .
When I start to talk about ASD she rolls her eyes and says "whatever" - just refuses to listen
My daughter said she always looks angry and this is true, she frightens me and I'm an adult

Its going to take time to help my girl deal with this and learn how to deal with people with this attitude. Feel a social story coming on.

x

Some grandparents are a lot better at giving advice than sympathy and understanding. If you have explained the situation several times, and she still doesn't get it, you may need to find a way to politely tell her to mind her own business. (If you tell her to stop giving you advice, however, you cannot turn around and unload on her about autism problems, doctors, etc., whenever you feel bad.)

Something I try to keep in mind with grandparents is that autism has a genetic component - but in their generation it was handled in a completely different way. They may well have struggled in the same way our children do - but in their case, nobody was understanding and no help was offered, and yet they made it to adulthood.

This knowledge is of no help with some of my parents/in-laws, who staunchly believe in "discipline" (read: inflexible control) However, I did get through to some by letting them know that what we see no purpose in a childhood filled with misery, and that we believe we have found a way to help our son become a respectful adult without experiencing a bad childhood.