Driving - No longer know what to do...

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My son is 17 1/2. He took driver's ed last summer. He really didn't pass, but the instructor, for some reason, changed his score to give him the points he was lacking, and they passed him anyway. He's been practicing since then, not a lot during the school year, but quite a bit this summer. He isn't a great driver. His biggest problem is not seeing stop signs. We thought we had that figured out - he was concentrating on his speed, not the road, so missed the signs. He changed his focus and was doing fine, so we went to get his license a few days ago. The DMV is so backed up, his driving test is scheduled for next week. Well, today he missed THREE more stop signs. I am at my wits end. He wants his license so bad and is convinced he is a good driver, even though he runs stop signs. He also forgets to look before changing lanes, hesitates so long to pull onto a street that by the time he goes, it's no longer clear and safe to go, among other things. I am terrified of the thought of letting him drive alone, he misses too much.

I don't know what to do. I guess we just keep practicing, but it isn't getting any better. He blames me, becuase I keep him driving the same routes a lot of the time. He thinks he would learn better if I challenged him more. He may be right about that, but I feel he needs to see every stop sign every time regardless of whether or not he's been on that particular road before. He's missed new signs as well as one's in intersections we've been through hundreds of times before.

At what point do we give up? Or do I let him drive alone knowing full well he will eventually cause an accident? I hate to deny him driving, but don't know that he can handle it. He thinks he's a good driver, and some of the time he really is, but other times are a disaster. This is stressing me out to no end!! !! ! I really thought we had the major problem licked (the stop signs) then he goes and misses three in a row!! ! He claims it's becuase he was driving a different car than usual today and it won't happen again. I don't believe that!

Well of course he is going to have problems when switching cars. Changing cars changes the whole driving experience. Your sitting in a different position, the view is different, the dials are in the wrong spot, and most importantly the controls are different. The steering wheel has a different turn rate for each vehicle, and the gas/brake pedals are in different positions. And the force required to get the same acceleration is different as well.

Changing to a different car is like relearning to drive. It is unsurprising that your son had problems with multi-tasking when changing cars is like giving him 10 new tasks to do at once. That's why I only like to drive my own car, or my fathers (same model). Whenever I get into a different car, I feel very uncomfortable, and have problems getting it to do what I want for at least a few hours of driving.

So yeah, just have him stick with the car he will be using, and if you want him to switch cars, let him drive the new car around the block for a while until he is comfortable with it. Because expecting him not to have any issues when switching cars (especially with his limited driving experience) is fairly unreasonable.

OK; I'm convinced he's not a good driver, but that's irrelevant, isn't it?

You seem convinced he's not a good enough driver to do it with any reasonable amount of safety to himself, his passangers and last but not least; the rest of the drivers, bikers and pedestrians on the road.

I gotta say, it sounds to me that you're enabling a very dangerous situation. Why not take yourself out of this equasion? Let him take the driving test. Missing stop signs, failing to look before changing lanes and misjudging when & how to pull into traffic...will he pass the test?

Next step, since he's so motivated to drive, allow for driving lessons by a professional driving school only.

Do not be guilttripped into being the fall guy/gal for a disaster created by a stuborn teen who is appearantly unable to assess his own ability.

Changing cars is a major problem for me at 40 and I have been driving for years. My mom is in her 60s and this really causes her problems as well. Also, nerves will really make my driving skills go out the window. Also no chit chating and the radio may help for focus.

And you may be approaching this from the wrong side. Standard thinking here is you go unless something tell you to stop. So he is evaluating whether to stop at an intersection which means looking for signs, etc. It may be more effective to teach him to always stop at an intersection and then after that is 'habit' he can begin to evaluate if he should go. At least this way his 'auto' response is stop which is safer and at worst he will annoy people behind him on occasion rather than getting hit when he pops out in traffic. Personally, this is how I drive. I always stop. I always wait for people to turn rather than trust turn signals, etc. And I always leave early so I can be relaxed and very very defensive when driving. I take the same familiar routes and I always drive the same car. It has become a routine which is good as long as it's a 'safety first' routine.

As a person potentially meeting your son on the road driving toward my car and my children, I would respectfully ask that, if you think he is a danger on the road, you ensure that he does not receive a license until you are satisfied he's no longer a danger.

Have him take a driving class with an instructor. If he isn't ready a driving coach will let him, know. That impartial opinion may open his eyes to his deficits.

The classes he took with an instructor were a complete waste of time and money. They spent most of the class time teaching the kids how to get out of tickets and they spent most of the driving time stopping for snacks for the instructors.

I agree that the change of cars was probably what threw him off. I will take him out again in the familiar car and see how he does.

I also completely agree that I can't let him out on the road by himself until I am POSITIVE he is no longer a hazard. When he takes his driving test at the DMV, if he drives like he did yesterday, there is no way he will pass the test. That will make it easier for me (after we get past the meltdown that is sure to follow) becuase it won't be ME telling him he's not ready. I just hope at this point he doesn't pass (that's terrible to say). As I said, some days he is spot on and drives really well. He is just very inconsistent and does terrible on other days.

So, I will hope he doesn't pass and we will keep on practicing. He won't like it, but I can't have him hurting other people, and that's a fact. It doesn't help any that his grandparents are treating me like an overprotective controlling ogre and are encouraging him to drive different cars and telling him he is ready for a license and he is a good driver. They were in the car yesterday, they saw the stop sign running, hopefully that will change their tune a bit!

Thank you all for your replies!!

This is not too unlike what I went through with my father - no way did I want him on the road but no way did I need him extremely angry at me. His wife told the insurance company he shouldn't be driving so his insurance was dropped until he took the drivers test. I took him to parking lots to practice, not letting my feelings show. He failed, thanks be to God.

If you son passes and you feel he is unsafe, maybe you could let on that there is a problem getting insurance so he just can't drive by himself yet. You would avoid telling him that the "problem" is that you refuse to call to get the insurance.

Dad avoided this issue by having decreed none of us could get a license until we were 18 ... When he couldn't have stopped us anywy. Hated it at the time, but -'m starting to see some beauty in it ...

Does your son know that it is common for AS to cause issues with driving? Until he recognizes some of those issues, how can he compensate? Driving is a multitask function that relies on quick reactions. Does he know that? I became aware of my weaknesses early on and learned to compensate. It's OK to take longer, it doesn't mean you won't get there. That is a concept he needs to integrate.

Surprisingly enough, I became a better driver when I ws forced to learn manual. I drive better in a manual transmission car, and that is what I drive. I hate unfamiliar cars so I rarely drive one. And so on. Encourage him to find his way, and tell him that until he odes - or until he turns 18 not that many months from now, you won't take him to take the test.

I don't think he is a good driver and he may be incapable of driving if he can't do more than one thing; watch for road signs, watch the road in front of him, remembering to look back before changing lanes. This is very dangerous and if he gets in a accident, he will be held accountable if he is at fault. Worst of all, going to prison if someone dies and he was at fault for the accident. Does he know this? If not, he should be informed about this and if he doesn't want this to happen, he needs to be wise about it by not getting behind the wheel.

He isn't being wise by not acknowledging he has this issue and deciding he shouldn't be driving if he has this difficulty.

Sorry I don't have any good advice. I just felt I had to say this.

Thank you all for the great replies. I've decided that he needs a lot more practice and if he can't get it together, then he doesn't need to drive, no matter how much he hates it. You are so right that he COULD kill someone and I'm not sure he realizes that. I'll have to talk to him about that as well. I really wish it wasn't so hard for him and maybe when he's older it won't be, but for now, I'm not willing to take that risk.

I learned to drive in a rural area on country roads. I was reading Temple Grandin and she said she learned on country roads (great now Im singing John Denver) for a year or two and now she can drive anywhere. I think that is what happened with me. I drove for years in the country then moved to Las Vegas and later San Diego. It takes a lot of practice and the more you do it the more it comes second nature. I failed my drivers test 4 times and it was so traumatic for me that we waited until I was 18 to try again (I was only 16 the first time). If you have no quiet country roads for him to practice on then try to find him somewhere because with the problems he has and the anxiety of taking the test he will surely fail it anyway and I dont think it is safe for him to drive at this time in his life.

Also I agree with having someone else teach him because as parents we harbor our own anxiety and we over react when teaching our children to drive.....I could not teach my kids to drive. My 24 year old son has his license but my 19 Aspie daugther and my 21 year old NT (with anxiety) daughter does not have hers but she is getting ready to take her test now. She is living in Florida now and the area she is in is a tad bit quieter than San Diego where we used to live.

SOLUTION:

Have someone else in the family (or a family friend) follow him in another car, making all the correct stops and etc, with a video camera focussed on your son's driving.

Show him why he's not yet ready. Undeniable evidence for your concerns.

I hate to be the jerk here and stand in your son's way, but if he's a dangerous driver, then he shouldn't be on the roads at all. Period. Just like I shouldn't be on the roads in a car myself.

Facts is facts.

Maybe he should go to a driving school and have someone else drive with him.

You should tell him it's more important to watch the road and signs than the speedometer. He should only glance at the speedometer every once in a while to help him maintain proper speed.

You should also be aware that a lot of people with AS meet the criteria for NVLD and have poor moto-spatial abilities and slow processing speed and this is probably a big factor for him.
It's going to take him longer to become proficient at driving and he's going to have to drive on the slow side.

He might also talk to himself while he is driving and verbally tell himself what is coming up ahead of him. My grandfather did this when he got older and drove until he was 91.

sounds pretty dangerous. Maybe a cheap car until he becomes better?