When they say... you say...

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I found this on a powerpoint by a lawyer. I thought it would make a good topic. Feel free to add your own responses and additions.

When they say...

You say...


FROM: Education of Children with High Functioning Autistic Spectrum Disorder:
WHEN FINE ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
Lisa K. Krizman, Esq.
Law Office of Lisa K. Krizman, LLC
New Jersey
COPAA Annual Conference
March 12, 2005
Atlanta, Georgia

 He/she was “fine” talking with me.
 Experts agree that these children tend to be comfortable with adults. Have you seen him/her with peers?

 He/she can do the work, but just doesn’t want to.
 Inability to consistently perform is typical of the disorder. Experts do not describe this as “willful.” Children with this disorder have gaps in abilities, and get easily overwhelmed by demands.

 Children in the class do like your child, but your child falsely believes that the children are picking on him/her.
 Misunderstanding social cues is typical of the disorder, and doesn’t mean that the child is not in real distress. Moreover, teasing may actually be occurring when the educator is not watching.

 Your child needs to go to lunch and recess with the mainstream without an aid. How will he/she ever learn how to cope? You are preventing your child’s growth.
 The social and sensory demands of a typical public school lunchroom can be overwhelming to the child. Once overwhelmed, the child learns failure, not success. You are seeking to prevent trauma to the child, not his or her success. If the child could “grow” under these circumstances, he/she would not have the disorder.
 Document the lack of growth/progress in the area at issue. Have an expert come in to observe and document your child’s behavior and your behavior as a parent, if necessary.

 Your child is doing “fine” in this class.
 But isn’t my child still doing the same work as he/she did last year? What happens if you add harder work?

 Your child is happy in school.
 When he/she gets home, they are out of control. Experts say that a child of this type can frequently hold it together during the day to avoid punishment or embarrassment, but that does not mean that he/she is not deeply distressed.

Except for the issue about going to lunch with a helper (my daughter does not need this), this describes my daughter's situation perfectly. I don't have the energy to argue with the school any more and she's only in her 2nd year there. That's why we've decided to start home schooling.

Maymac - I find your reaction very peculiar. If you were a parent being on the receiving end of any of those comments in bold, you might understand. I think the responses are good ones. These are examples of comments parents here have heard.

And if you were an actual autistic student you might understand *my* position. I guess we both have different perspectives. Admitedly I probably went too hard. I forgot it was the parents section, sorry

However it particually upset me to see the response to number 4. You've got to realise it is a spectrum. Mummy_of_Peanut said her daughter didn't need this. If you did this kind of thing to me when I was at school it *would* be extremly cruel and insulting.

Then again some people might not be ready to socialise by themselves in the main lunchroom. There are different ways to manage this. They might be able to hang in the library, or have a 'buddy', or like they said, have their aid with them, but it depends on the school/age and the person in question.

What upset me was the attitude of the person who wrote this. Like their word was the be all and end all towards every individual and the whole spectrum. It just didn't seem respectful either. Some of the responses may be true in some cases under some circumstances though. But they may take what you've told them and apply it to another person.

I don't think it helps to educate people by using scarce facts and harsh language.


I just read it differently to you, that's all. Doesn't mean my opinion is completly invalid.

Maymac is right in that this is kinda cut and dry, while kids are on a spectrum. But this list would explain my son well if he were in school. He would clearly need help in social settings. To explain #4 a bit more, it is common in some school settings for ASD kids to be assigned a behavior aid. The ASD kids accept it well b/c they help both the ASD child and the other children to communicate and handle social cues. What the above list means by not being able to "grow", is that most aspies cannot naturally learn to read social cues.

I know a child whose parents pay for a behavior aid. They play with the neighbor kids together. This child simply tells the other kids that he is his behavior aid, when kids ask.

I think the point of the original post has been missed here. The point of this is when a teacher or adminstrator says these things to a parent about the child and the parent doesn't believe the teacher or adminstrator is correct then the suggested responses might be helpful. Maymac, no one is saying that YOU MUST have an aide with you when you go to lunch. This is saying that if the parent has every reason to believe that their child needs an aide but the school is refusing to provide one, the suggested response could be used. Obviously all of these situations don't apply to everyone but they are situations that various posters here have come up against and I think having a pat response in your pocket if/when you find yourself in this situation could be handy.

Bombaloo, thank you for getting it. As a parent, I often have the feel that what the school is saying is wrong, but I often find it difficult to put that into coherent, intelligent words as my emotions often tie up my brain. If I have some responses in my pocket, maybe I could be a better advocate for my child to meed his needs.
~Erica

Maymac - Even NTs don't always know what to say in every situation. This is a "cheat sheet" in case a parent needs to say certain things in an intelligent and assertive manner. It doesn't mean everyone needs to say these things.
Also, I think the implied audience of the tip sheet is parents of younger/elementary students.