Discipline and the Sibling

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I'm having troubles now figuring out what to do. My 6r old ASD boy does not clean up as much as his sister has to. His sister does way more and is held to a much higher standard in behaviour as well. I am not doing a good job of balancing. Not even sure if there needs to be balance. It's just really getting hard for her to understand. I try to explain that our family all contributes according to their abilities. We have a paraplegic in the family and they need lots of help too. So.... any suggestions?

1- your son is younger. gives him a year leeway to get up to standards
2- offer your daughter an "allowance bonus" for cleaning up her room/helping with dishes/etc. Might even encourage your son to step up his game and catch up. Even if it doesn't, no harm: as long as the bonuses are clearly defined before you implement the system! ASD kids (and adults) are usually fine with rules as long as the rules are clear before the game starts. And your daughter will have a reward/hush money for doing more work.

I feel the same way sometimes. In our family my NT son is older and my ASD son is younger so I leverage that by asking NT son to be the "bigger man" and explain that I expect more from him because he is older. The allowance incentive OddFiction suggests works well for us because older son understands the concept of money and younger son does not (I found several dollar bills that had been in his piggy bank ripped to pieces the other day). So, I often use quarters as incentive to get older son to help out and he doesn't see it as he is helping and little brother is not, he just sees it as he is getting a monetary reward and little brother is not. And little brother doesn't think he is missing out because he doesn't really get why big brother wants the money. Works for now anyway, I'll probably have to come up with something different soon!

I don't have a good solution. Both my kids think I'm biased towards the other, and that they are the one who has it worst. After trying to explain and get each to see it from the other's perspective, I defaulted to something I once heard about marriages: If you don't think you are doing 70 % of the work, then you probably are not doing half, because human nature sees only a distorted view. That got them to shut up, at least. For a little while

This group is fabulous. So psyched I found you guys.

I have the same situation, my daughter the oldest and to be really honest she is the easier one to get around, sometimes I suspect not, but the smarter one especially when it comes to incentives. Its all about weighing it up and hopefully getting it right!!

It could also be a female/male issue not sure. My son extra hard work!!

(Formerly Bujuessa)

I am finding myself pretty stretched sometimes. However, my ASD child is super easy. He will have temper tantrums on occasion, and will get upset at things that aren't seemingly normal. However, as long as I am paying attention properly, this behaviour is easy to manage.

It's managing the feelings of my other child that is difficult. Not sure if it's the ADD, or if it's just a sensitivity on her part. Regardless of why though, it's something that I am forever striving to balance. One of my friends says that I am too emotional about it. Life is not fair and you should not always have to be fair to your kids. *shrugs* She means well, but I dont necessarily agree with her 100%.

Well.
Make sure you sort out enough time to take care of yourself too.

Someone I know made a great image/explination:
She says she sees herself as a shopping cart; built (personality wise) to accept and manage all the purchases and problems of others, always welcoming - inviting - to the cares of the world being piled in. She doesn't have any way to control the influx - nor any desire to.

But the wheels are getting squeeky. One of them rattles, and drags the cart off in unexpected, uncontrolled directions. Some of the bars are bent. The handle is cracked. The shine is fading.

Find some time to polish it up. Read a book.
Get a mechanic to grease the wheels. Jump your husband.
Re-Glaze the handle. Go to a spa once every 6 months & get a massage and a pedicure.

Take care of the cart.
Because if the wheels fall off or the bars bend too far...
You won't be able to carry squat all...

And what a mess the cares of the world are going to make on the floor then.

One suggestion I have is to pick those things that your son can do and make those his responsibility.

In my family, I'm a 22 year old with PDD NOS, and my brother is a 13 year old who is not on the spectrum. Due to OCD tendencies and sensory issues, I can't do certain chores like taking out the trash or vacuuming. So when the whole family's working on chores, my parents find the things I can do, such as washing dishes (if the sink isn't full of icky water) or sweeping the floor. My brother and my parents do the stuff I can't do, and the result comes out roughly fair.

Another thing is that if it's something you'd rather they do but could live without them doing, and the autistic kid can't do it, I'd advise not requiring it from the NT kid either. For example, my Mom was raised with the rule that you eat what's on your plate and don't complain, even if you don't like it. My sensory sensitivities make me gag when I try to eat certain foods, and I'd literally rather go hungry than eat those. After a few times of sending me to bed without dinner or having a lengthy power struggle with me, Mom finally changed the rule and now checks with me if I can eat what she's planning to make, and finds me an alternative if I can't. Now, my brother doesn't have my issues with food. He can mostly eat anything, though he prefers certain foods. He could handle the 'eat what you're given' rule. But since I get to pick and choose what I want to eat (as long as the result is healthy), so does he.

we use a combination of things to try and explain discrepancies. first of all, we pull out history. when my 7 yr old mostly NT complains about having to clean up their bedroom or living room and his little brother made most of the mess, we remind him that when he was 3 and shared a room with his older brother, his brother did the same after messes HE made. so he is just paying the piper now for the messes he made when he was little.

then there are the actual things his brother gets, like a package of chewies in the mail yesterday. my 7 yo wanted some and complained that he likes to chew on things too. so we talked about likes to vs needs to, how his brother puts unsafe things in his mouth (tools, small objects, etc) because of this need to chew. and we let the 7 yo try the chewies, and he got bored real quick with them =) we also talked about things he gets or does that his little brother doesnt, like certain video games or spending the night at his friends house.

we also offer incentives, like popsicles after picking up their toys, mostly to try and encourage the autie to help out more. usually it works, but last week we did this, and the autie still refused to help. so after the toys were picked up, the autie did not get the incentive. this caused a bit of an uproar, but it seems to have impacted him a bit, and we hope the consequences will be remembered. he is really starting to test boundaries and refuse requests lately.

one thing we really stress in our house is the idea of family unity. families work together and sometimes have to take care of those who are younger or unable to do for themselves. its not always fair, but its the way families survive, dependence upon each other and taking care of those you love.