I think my student is an aspie, should I tell the mother?

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I teach private piano lessons and one of the students that I'm working with has some mere ancillary signs of Asperger's, but I don't know enough about him to know for sure. I'm trying to figure out if I should tell the mother. I know very well that as a piano teacher, it's not my place to make such statements because I don't have a degree in pyschology. However, as an aspie, I'm good at picking out other probable aspies, so I do have some credential. I'm concerned that I might be overstepping my boundaries if I tell the mother, but I also think it would be good for her to know, because she has expressed concern that he needs some help socially and the school is just not giving him enough academic challenge.

Some background:

The kid is unusually bright and great with music. He's been taking piano for 2.5 years, but to challenge him, I placed him in a graded jury with kids who have been taking for about 5 years and he scored a 97 out of 100. He's the fastest learner I've ever worked with. I don't have to spend alot of time explain concepts to him. The only challenge with him is improving his study habits and his work ethic.

The mother expressed concern about his school because he was getting into trouble from what she thinks is boredom. She's probably right, but I don't know the details of the situation. In math class, he always gets marked down for not showing his work, but his answers are always correct.

The mother says that he was a self-taught reader and was reading fluently by age 3. I know hyperlexia is common in AS kids so this is a definite clue. He consistently scores high on standardized tests with little or no effort, and I know that usually indicates a high IQ.

He reads math books for fun and he enjoys video games, but I don't know him well enough to be able to identify any "special interests."

He doesn't express alot of emotion. There were about two freak incidences where he did let his "dark side" show, but he's mostly extremely introverted. I've been working with him to get him to express himself while he's playing, but he doesn't "feel" the music yet. I'm also an aspie, and while I can be quite the automaton when I'm not at the piano, I am extremely expressive when I play. I just hope I can teach him to express himself as I do.

When he meets my other students, he doesn't seem to integrate himself like the other kids do. At piano recitals, he mostly orbits around his mother while the other kids are playing socially. He does tease his little sister alot, but I don't see him interact with any one else. The mother has said that he needs some social help. I can't tell if he makes eye contact or not, probably because I don't either. He's usually staring at the piano keyboard or his sheet music when I work with him.

I don't know him well enough to be able to identify any major sensory issues, but I know many aspies don't have any debilitating and/or noticeable sensory problems.

From my description, do you think that this boy has AS? If so, should I tell the mother? Is there a way I can tell her with some aplomb? I'm also an aspie, and I'm afraid of saying something wrong. I don't want to loose the kid as a student.

I think there is a degree of resentment that goes with the "identifer" and it may damage your relationship with the family.

I don't think it's in your remit to express an opinion because the fact you've had to come on here and ask indicates you are not certain.

I'd leave it unless there was an express invitation or opportunity to broach the subject from the mother.

I don't know whether you should tell her but I wanted to say that by your post I really wish you could teach private piano to my daughter! It sounds as if you are really in tune to how music affects you and I have been struggling to find a teacher that could engage my daughter. She will sit at our piano and play on her own-teaching herself basically. I know that if she had a guide or teacher so much of her musical nature would blossom!

Your student is lucky to have you.

Yes, that's exactly what I was thinking. The dilemma comes into play because the mother has expressed concern with his problems in school. I know that having an AS diagnosis could help him get more challenging academic material, and he could also use some therapy to work on social skills. If he goes on undiagnosed, he could be worse off in the long term.

If everything was going fine, I wouldn't even bother thinking about it, but so many people who were diagnosed later in life express regret that they didn't get help earlier. If you think about a more serious condition, like cancer, you'd want to know as soon as that first cell becomes malignant right? You wouldn't want to wait until there's an obvious tumor. We all know AS isn't nearly as bad as cancer, but it still helps being cognizant, for the sake of getting treatment.

This is off-topic, but I'll make it brief. If you're interested in finding a good music teacher, try the local college campuses. Many schools have music departments that provide lessons to the community. At the very least, you'll be able to get a good referral. I went to DePaul, and we had a community music program that provided lessons to elementary and high-school kids. Northwestern U also does this.

You might want to look for someone who will teach jazz/improvisation. I get the impression that your daughter is into spontaneous playing, so this may be a good course of study.

The strongest thing you can probably do is talk about your own experience and explain you are AS the next time she brings it up and talk about the areas of your experience that may echo the students current situation....she may pick up on it.

I think you do run a risk if you are too open about your beliefs on her son for a variety of reasons....I would have thought a school would have been able to consider the possibility of AS and indeed even the mother herself must be capable of either finding out information herself or through her GP by examining the issues at hand.

I know in my own experience (although this may pass) I do already have some resentment towards those commenting on my son that I have felt that are not 100% accurate in terms of assessing his behaviour.

When my daughter was 5 years-old her ballet teacher told me there was something wrong with my child, and that she thought it could be ADHD. It was no ADHD, it was AS, but she told me there was something wrong. Maybe you can tell the mother you suspect it might be AS, and recommend her a good center, specialist or something like that. But be aware not all parents like someone telling them there is something wrong with their kids. You might end up loosing your student. We removed our daughter from that dance academy.

The problem with the school system is that they would only consider AS if the child showed obvious behavior problems and/or learning disabilities. If you want any kind of help from the overcrowded Chicago public schools, the kid needs to really stand out. He's too introverted to have behavioral problems, he doesn't have sensory meltdowns, and he definitely doesn't have learning disabilities, so it's understandable that the school would miss it. Just from my personal experience with him, he is not an obvious case. The sad thing with AS is that the bright and shy kids don't get the help they need, because only a few people recognize it as AS. Now if he was unfortunate enough to have severe sensory meltdowns, then he might actually be getting help by now.

Anyway, the mother told me he will be entering a gifted program next year where he will be doing high school coursework two grades higher than normal. Hopefully he'll find some more like-minded peers at his new school and he'll be more academically challenged. If he's still having problems, then I will be obliged to say something to the mother.

Maybe not so much telling the mother there is something "wrong," but something "different?" AS is not an affliction in many cases. There is good with the bad, especially when the kid is as intellectually gifted as he is. She already knows he's different, so it might ease the shock if I do decide to say something.

I don't know...this can be a super-touchy subject. You are a private piano teacher? Is it possible that your student has already been evaluated (or even diagnosed) and the mom just isn't sharing this info with you? Parents don't always go around telling everyone they meet about their kid's diagnosis.

I would take the indirect approach here... I would at some point if you have not mention that you have aspergers. Then I would occasionally slip in comments about he reminds you of yourself in some way. Be specific there and make it a compliment. Mention the savant like talent with music.. etc. I would point out the differences in a positive way and just mention once or twice how he reminds you of you. All of this should be pointing out good things and be compliments.

If she is in the mode where she wants to blame the school you are not sticking your neck out there saying 'nope, its' your kid'.. LOL BUT if she is truly seeing differences and wondering if there is something different about her child you are giving her a great opportunity to ask you about aspergers.

I have always known my daughter was different than other kids. If someone at any time had mentioned they had aspergers and that they were like her when they were a child (in a positive way) I would have certainly at some point asked about the aspergers or looked it up on my own to see. You just dont want to say something to a parent determined to blame outside entities for her childs difficulties or else you will be on that list and your student could lose something that is very beneficial for him especially if he is struggling in other areas. And your aspergers may be some of what allows him to excel with you. Us aspies do tend to get on better with each other.

i am inclined to agree with squirrel on this matter; the mentioned effects surely indicate that he would be on the spectrum, but i would be careful about flat-out telling the mother.
maybe you could go in trough the child; you could get some DSM-IV diagnostic lists for him to look at, see if he recognizes himself in them.

I would be inclined to err on the side of caution. A woman at my daughter's school, (who I happen to know has a brother with AS, plus shows signs of it herself ) said to me one day re my daughter "but she has aspergers!" She just blurted it out, and yes I indeed felt anger and resentment towards her for a long time afterwards. I thought she had no right to shock me with that statement even though she was telling me what I was slowly realising myself, it was just not her place to say it, I thought. Sometimes you want the truth to come to you in a more gentle roundabout fashion, and preferably stumble upon it yourself, incrementally .
I know for me, actually before this woman said that, I had googled "loner daughter" as I was concerned with my daughters' disintrest in friends and I came upon a description of a girl that struck me as being exactly like my daughter. This girl had AS.

You sound a sensitive person, but still, I would think long and hard about how, if at all, to go about telling her.
Of course now I know it's not such a big deal, but thats tons of reading, education and exposure later.

I think you should find a way to tell her, not that there is something "wrong" with her child but that if she got him evaluated and it turns out that there is an identifiable condition then he could be eligible for services from the school. I think there are several ways you could approach it. Next time she mentions him having a hard time in school you could, as squirrel suggests, relate it to your own experience and ask her if he has ever been evaluated. Maybe let her know that they could get help from the school if he were evalutated and the evaluation showed that he qualifies for services. If the discussion gets further, you can let her know that the school evaluations are kept strictly confidential and it is NOT a medical diagnosis. Many people don't understand and fear "labels" becasue they think the label will be on a child's "permanent record". DW_a_mom has posted about this on several occaisions.

I realize as piano teacher your role in this child's life is small but I have to say, I am eternally grateful to the teacher and school director who sat me down and told me that they had serious concerns about my son. It was painful to hear but I never felt any resentment towards them. It started us on the road to getting help for my son and he and our whole family are better off for it. I know this is not the reaction that all people would have but it sounds to me like this mom is almost asking for you to say something, to validate her concerns. Having AS yourself, you are a person who is in a position to really understand those concerns and you have an opportunity to be the spark that makes a difference in this child's life.

You are completely right. Actually there is nothing "wrong". "Different" is the right way to say it. But actually her ballet teacher said "wrong". Also several of her teachers at school used "wrong". I am also working on stop using the word "problems" and change it for "difficulties".

I think that there is no way to be sure as a person who is not a psych i would be afraid of being wrong and messing around with people.