Religion and Parenthood

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This is something I've been thinking about lately. Although I don't have children, I've come to the conclusion that it's best to have no religious beliefs if you plan to have kids. I think the hardest thing about being a parent is letting your children make their own choices, learn their own lessons and live their own lives. When you throw religion into the mix, that aspect of parenthood must be a lot harder i.e. How do you respect your child's right to make his/her own choices when you believe those choices lead to eternal hellfire and damnation?

I would be glad to hear any insights that parents have on this subject; especially from parents that have religious beliefs.

My son was christened with eight months. I am protestant and my husband is catholic. But I don't believe in god and I tell my son it's his choice in what he believes. Religion seem to be to some people something like support and I can accept that. If it's a source for them it's alright, but to me it's not really. As I was very little I believed in god; my grandma taught me that. As I grow older I doubted more and more.
For example:
I put the fourth of the ten commandments in question. Why should people honour their parents when their 'home' is more like hell than heaven?
Should I turn the other cheek or is it about eye for an eye?
People interpret their holy books as they wish that, they twist words around - look at all those politicians, they do the same.

I try to give my son values based on understanding and ethics. I try to make him see whatever he does he has to reconcile it with his conscience. I am far away from being perfect and I don't want him to be perfect. I just make him see that making mistakes is part of life and growing, this never ends. The most important thing is that we learn from it, that we can take a different view and apologise and if we get the chance we can learn from it and make it better.

Or with short words: In what he believes is his decision and I won't press him in a direction. Not concerning his values, religion, his sexuality or the way he will live his life. I try to give him answers or solutions and I will support him as good as I can, but his life belongs only him and I will accept his choices.

I feel spirituality can enhance anybodys life but to conform to orthodox religious views stifles you.
If someone feels the only reason to believe a certain belief is because that is what is prevalent in the country they live in is missing the boat. I feel it is best to raise a child to question any belief system. They may or may not agree with you but it is better than blind obiedience to religious dogma they actually don't believe in.

I believe that children raised with no framework at all end up searching for one, and are easier prey for extremist organizations. I've seen it happen; not some loose theory. And I think you don't understand my faith if you think I believe they face hell and damnation simply by choosing different than I have. Your theory strikes me as prejudice, and I reject it.

My children are raised in my faith the same as they are raised knowing their ethnic and cultural heritage. I believe we have a duty to teach them who they are and where they come from, and provide them a framework for makintyg difficult decisions in life, same as we have a duty to teach them to read and write. What they do with all that as adults will be their choice. Shoot, it is their choice long before adulthood. My son was confirmed this year and was told quite clearly that we'd accept it if he choose not to be. That this time it was HIS choice, not ours.


But ... If there is a personal story behind this thread, that could be compelling.

(The whole world every day seems to want to tell parents how to raise their kids, down to the most ridiculous things. I don't need more opinions or advice. But sharing your experience, that can mean something to me).

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 01 Aug 2011, 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

I am a practicing agnostic. That doesn't make this part of parenting any easier - in fact, I think that many of my religious friends actually have this easier, because so many things I have to make specific decisions about are givens for them.

Keep in mind that many religious people are NT and don't have a rigid, rules-bound view of their religion. I think your perspective on religion as "stifling" isn't accurate in many cases (though the home I was raised in was certainly like the one you describe.) For some people it's just kind of shorthand, a casual way of organizing their lives and behavior, and a social outlet. I can respect that even if I don't participate in it.

I think you're confusing organized religion with both extremism and bad parenting.

I can't help but feel like this may be aimed at me since this was posted right after I mentioned our religion in another thread. If not, then I am just being paranoid and if yes, that is okay, at my age , I can take it.

It is my basic belief that as a parent, it is my duty to teach my children all that they need to become successful adults. Since our religion sees this life as not the be all, end all, but rather a stepping stone. A place of learning and perfecting. I can in no way not properly raise them without also teaching them our religion. Especially when our religion is not something we happened to have adopted, but rather a critical part of who we are. We don't go to church on Sundays and then put religion in a drawer until the next Sunday. We know where we came from, what our purpose here is and where we are going. It is the fabric of our being. While I am not responsible for my children's choices, I do feel that I am responsible and answerable to a Heavenly Father for teaching them all that I know to be true. We truly feel that these spirits have been entrusted into our care and we are responsible for them until they have the full ability to make their own choices.

A person may be baptized and become a member of our church at 8 years of age. They have an interview with our bishop to make sure they understand what they are choosing. Now, I do not for one moment believe that they have a full testimony of all things at the age of 8. However, they do understand a basic understanding of right/wrong and consequences. They will fail and need to repent over the course of their whole lives. They build their testimony line upon line and precept upon precept. The more knowledge we have, the more we are answerable. The older they are, the more choices I hand over to them as I feel they can understand the consequence of that choice. They will make good choices and poor choices and they will have to deal with those consequences. As a parent, it will hurt as through my love for them, I will want to spare them pain. However, Heavenly Father gave us the freedom of choice in this world, even though He knew our choices would be painful for Him. I can do no less for my children. Being a parent has made me realize the extent of His wisdom and love.

I don't think we dictate our kids lives. For example, we fast typically the first Sunday of every month. The money we would have spent on food we are asked to give in a fast offering that goes for the church's welfare program. No one in the church knows if we have fasted. Actually, we are taught to not let it be obvious we are fasting with a long face and bad attitude as that would be doing it with the wrong intent. It is between us and our Father. Now, when my older boys were baptized we taught them more about fasting. Obviously, this isn't up there with the favorites for an 8-9 year old boy. In my attempt to make it more appealing, I always make breakfast for supper on Fast Sunday. This is one of my kid's favorite meals and they look forward to it. A few times, my AS son has told me he doesn't want to fast. I have always said that it is between him and Heavenly Father and he needs to do what he feels most comfortable with. He usually holds his fast the whole time. I don't think he has ever completly not fasted, but there have been a few times when he has told me he ate something early. There was no fire and brimstone brought down upon him. He received no punishment from us. Not fasting in and of itself will not send him to 'hell". I see it actualy as more for our benefit as it teaches us to be in control of our appetites and learn selflessness. This is how it is with many of the things we are asked of by Heavenly Father. It is to help us, not bind us. This is a time of learning and probation.

As far as our home, we have standards. We have talked to the kids about what is acceptable in our homes in regards to TV, movies and video games. They know that our main reasoning is that there is a lot of garbage in the world today and once something is in your brain, it is very difficult to get it out. And sometimes, you end up wishing you had never heard or seen such a thing. They have already heard things at school and had to ask us questions and it will only become worse the older they get. They will have choices to make the older they get as to what they allow into their mind and body when away from our home. However, that doesn't mean I need to lower the standard in our home. I want my home to be a safe haven from all the chaos of the world for them. I want them to feel a spirit here that they do not feel in other places. I know they will test boundaries as they can't fully understand and appreciate the good without understanding its opposite. I hope the main thing I will have taught them is that Heavenly Father will always love them and always be near if they choose to draw closer unto Him and as their parents, we too will always be there for them.

I don't buy that one (anecdotal evidence doesn't count ). I think a lot more comes into play with someone being vulnerable and misguided. I think a solid foundation helps, but I don't think this foundation needs to be built off of religion. Love, a sense of belonging, openness - those are the things I believe to be the best combatants. Most extremist organizations are religious beliefs either taken too far or misinterpreted. Religion is part of the problem in those circumstances - not necessarily the solution.

But as far as raising your kids goes, it's up to the parents to be true to themselves and then share that truth with their kids, but be open possible opposition. I don't see how it would even be possible for a religious person to not raise their kids with their own truths. It's not something you can just fake. I'm agnostic, and I can't see raising my kids to believe that either God doesn't exist, or that God does exist and here's His book interpreted this single way. It would be inauthentic.

One thing I would like to see more of, even in public schools, is the education of worldwide religions as an academic subject. I think most hate and intolerance is bred from ignorance. It would allow kids not only to make their own choices, but to better understand other people. Humanity is a common thread among all people, regardless of religion or lack thereof, and I think a lot of kids miss out on that lesson.

I did all that I could to teach my children responsibility, accountability, respect for authority, and to think for themselves.

Fortunately, none of them turned into religious fanatics.

Maybe there's a connection?

I can assure you that this thread was not influenced by anything anyone else has written. I don't usually read anything in the Parents' Forum.

This topic was mostly influenced by people I've met who had religious beliefs forced on them at a young age and how their relationships with their parents suffered as a result.

This is a tough situation. No matter where you live there is bound to be a dominant religion or belief system. If you are part of the dominant religious group then life probably won't be too complicated by difficult questions when the children are very young and age-appropriate explanations are harder to formulate. It is far more difficult if, as a parent, your belief system is not the dominant belief system. I personally found it difficult to explain to a 4 yo why his friends thought he was weird because they all go to church and he does not. I felt that religion was forced upon me when I was young and I told myself that I would not do that to my kids. That said, I will not judge any parents who choose to bring their children up within a particular religion or belief system. I actually don't harbor any resentment towards my parents because they raised us in the church, but they also have respected my decision to not have my children be raised that way. If they were the type that harped on it oncce my decision was clearly stated, that might cause some bad feelings. Thankfully, that's not the case.

I think we have all heard cases in the news where adults, in the name of religion, cross a line when it comes to children and religion, but I truly beleive those cases are few and far between. There are so many different ways to arrive at a good outcome for our kids that it is impossible to say one should or should not raise their kids with or without religion.

A quote I heard once that I try to live by and I try to instill in my children

"Ethics is obedience to the unenforceable".

I said kids need a framework, I didn't say that framework had to be religious.

True, I only have anecdotes. It may have been the time, but some young adults I knew in college said they had parents that went so far in the direction of "keeping all the options open" for their kids that they never let their kids know what they believed, or passed on any structured value system of any sort, or at least not that their children were able to identify. Children WANT that sort of guidance, they want SOME answer to all their "why" questions. And, as I noted, it does not have to be religious. These young adults that grew up without it were the same ones joining the fringe religious groups because it was the first time someone had ever said to them, "hey, I know the answer! Join us and we'll teach you!"

I do object to the concept that it is inherently limiting to provide a religious framework. What is inherently limiting is to teach your children that yours is the only possible framework, the one true way, and not just what you believe for reasons A, B and C. But kids long for a framework, something that puts the world into some sort of order.

My son's middle school did provide some world religion education, since it fits in with history (but, oddly, nothing Christian). Overall, however, most of what he knows about other faiths has come from research we've done at home, or from his friends. However, if most parents carry the same misconceptions about faiths they don't practice that PPR debaters tend to, I can't say they are a very good source.

Comparative religion was a popular course back when I went to college, so lots of people must be interested. But I do recall it being considered a very sophisticated topic.

When I did home school religion class with my daughter last year, I was thinking she would pick comparative religion to study, since she is the one who has said she'd rather not stick with our denomination or go to church when she grows up. She got to pick the curriculum because, after all, the goal was to get her interested in SOMETHING having to do with faith. But it was strict Bible and prayer study that inspired her, so that is what we did. Comparative religion would have been very interesting to me.

This topic was a struggle for me. I was raised in that house DW was just talking about....no framework whatsoever. My mom was pretty much a wreck. She did the best she could, but there was no framework.

My DH was raised in a strict Catholic household. Eight kids, lots of drinking and beatings before going to church to pray.

We both ended up with substance abuse problems in our early years. When it came time to clean up our acts (decades ago), god was part of that process. Interestingly, I had an easy time with this, DH did not.

His upbringing left him scarred and bitter, mine left me open to possibilities.

I was able to accept God as that thing that created all (actually science), but not religion. DH struggled.

Then we had kids, after a while, I started yearning for a way to share a a framework (since I had had none). I started researching religions and found that I could not go somewhere that gave the message that most of the planet was going to "hell" because they don't do it my way.

I believer that all paths lead to the same place, not my path heaven your path hell.

Anyway, I found a church called Religous Science which basically celebrates the good in all religions and believes that God is within all, not some old guy granting touchdowns in football games.

This was an OK place for my kids to learn about spirituality, as I see it. the minister would always say, "My job isn't to teach you what to think, it's to teach you HOW to think".

The boys no longer want to go, and that's ok with me (my God doesn't have a scorecard). I think that they got a little framework about the good in all people, and how we all fit together on this planet. They will keep those thoughts in their core, even as they get older and forget about them, they will still be little seeds that we planted.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to post in this thread. I enjoyed reading them and they've corrected some of the misconceptions I have about religion. If anyone has any further insights, please continue to share them.

I wonder if you are blaming religion on dysfunction. Abusive, dysfunctional familes can be found everywhere, in every religion and in families without religion. Some parents might be using their religion as an excuse to abuse their children, but I feel that those parents would be just as destructive and abusive even without religion.

I'm sure that's true. However for those I know (aside from DH) who have had troubled upbringings, those who participated in strict religious communities, seem to have a tougher time afterward, than those who didn't. The blame comes from those who lived within that context though. So it's not like a non- religious person blaming, it is the person who lived it.

I think it is likely that the kids hear so much about how it's supposed to be, and then for them as children, that obviously isn't what they experience, so how does God allow that to happen. I also feel that some religions may be a good place for the dysfunctions to be buried.

For instance, our nephew is gay. He wanted to be a priest so he could stuff his sexuality and not have to disappoint his catholic family. Becoming a priest would make them proud, admitting to being gay would make them be ashamed. Thank goodness he decided to admit to being gay, forget being a priest and allow his family to love him for who he is.

That took a lot of courage for him to do that. I am always happy to hear stories like that where people choose to be true to themselves even though familial pressue is high to be something other than themselves.