deliberate or not

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My son has always been like this, yesterday we went for dinner with my sister, and nephew as it was his 21st. My son as soon as the meal was over that was it he wanted to go home and got upset that he couldn't. He had a big face and was quiet rude and just wanted to go home.

We are sitting with family and a small group not unfamiliar people, what it looks like or is it just the way I am reading it. Once my son thinks its boring or there is nothing for him to do regardless of the reasons we are there that's it he wants to go he doesn't seem to think that there is any point been there. This just makes it impossible at times to enjoy an evening or family socially. It causes me great frustration and at times members of the family assume he is just a spoilt brat and can say things that just makes the situation worse. I know if I tried to explain its part of his AS dx I would be told stop making excuses and I cant keep using that for his bad behaviour sort him out. Oh God!

Imagine that you were invited to a family dinner where people only occasionally spoke your native language, and mostly spoke a language completely foreign to you, and that there were three or four conversations going on at once; I'm guessing this is what's going on for your son (I know this is what I often feel on social occasions.) Even if they're familiar, large groups can be exhausting for someone on the spectrum (even an adult.)

What we do with my son is provide him with a form of escape, usually our iphone, which enables him to sit at the table and ignore what's going on around him. Sometimes this works better than others, but he doesn't have too many sensory issues as long as the dining room is relatively quiet - another thing that may be bothering your son is the constant clinking of silverware, the background music, the background conversation, televisions, etc. I know just sitting in a chair in the expected way is difficult for my son. We tend to explain this by saying "this is a little overstimulating for him."

I do also tell my son ahead of time that we expect him to stay at the table until the adults are finished socializing and ready to leave; he will usually test this by interrupting and asking to be excused several times. Sometimes he makes three or four trips to the bathroom to give himself a break. We don't give in unless we see an impending meltdown, then something else is going on and we leave. We also try to give ourselves and him a specific time limit: after the meal we will socialize for X amount of time and he's expected to be present and polite, if not engaged, during that time.

Are you being explicit about your expectations before the event? You might try saying something like, "We are going to spend time with these people to enjoy their company; we will be eating, and also sitting and talking for about an hour afterward" or something like that so he doesn't feel trapped in an endless and uncomfortable situation.

A crowded, noisy restaurant with lots of food smells, people talking, and dishes rattling is an excruciating environment for those of us who have sensory problems. Your son might have just reached the limit of ability to cope and was trying to extricate himself before he had a meltdown.

I cant say regarding the sensory issues not sure, I did give my son the option of coming or not. I do this all the time I won't force or pressure him in attending anything. If I don't ask him to come he gets upset thinks I don't want him there and everyone hates him.

There was only 3 Adults and 2 teenagers 1 Cousins and his sister, the place we went was busy but they went and play pool in a quieter part of the hotel.

Maybe its the sensory problem as he gets like this at school. When he does want to leave I will always give him a time that we will be going.

I don't have any advice to offer you. with that said, I am just like your son in that I want to leave a social event the very second the reason for being there has been addressed. I don't like social events. they unnerve me. they make me feel like I have to participate, when I do not want to. maybe that is how your son feels? how old is he?

Also, these are your relatives. Perhaps an email or conversation ahead of time, that my son has been diagnosed on the spectrum. We are looking for ways to include him on these family outings. If they give you a poor response, well, then thats on them.

Please keep in mind you do not want to make him do somehting that he simply can not enjoy. Why set him up for failure? Tell him whats going on and ask what you can do to make it better. Perhaps giving him a time limit that he has to stay.

we do not leave the house, EVER, without something to occupy our autie K. we take along a DS, netbook, tablet, or ipod, often more than one of these things. at the very least i always have my android cell phone that has a few games he likes. we never would try to go to a restaurant or shopping without something to hold his attention after the food or while waiting for it.

while your son could probably handle these times a little more gracefully, its probably not completely intentionally rude. to be honest, my SO does the same, altho he has learned to handle it a bit more gracefully. sometimes not so gracefully, depends on how stressed and anxious he is.

btw, my SO is 39 yo and takes his phone with earbuds attached everywhere we go. when he gets overwhelmed, which is often at the grocery store, he puts his earbuds in and listens to books. having that way to block out the people around him helps him stay calm. he also uses the electronic devices when we are in a social setting, which is rare since none of us are social. but when we go visit my sister for a few hours, he brings the electronics and is often using them while we are there.

We always have a small bag of stuff when we go out to eat for a longer dinner.

It usually has:

Ipad
notebook & pen (He loves writing)
playdough (sensory helper!)
Small bumpy ball for a little backrub if he gets too overwhelmed
Stickers


Letting him socialize and also take breaks with something on his own really helps. I do expect him (now at 7) to be polite, have manners, and sit through dinner. But I also know how much work that can be for him ,so giving him breaks at the table really helps. We also go for a quick walk together if he really feels antsy.

I think the key is talking with him beforehand about what is expected of him, how long you'll be there, that he should find a way to entertain himself when the adults hang out after, etc. I suspect he just hasn't integrated that yet into his expectations of what is going to happen, and AS kids need things to move along as they expect them to.