11yo Aspergers and 4yo NT

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We have a lot of the typical sibling rivalry issues. I've read Siblings without Rivalry and playful parenting which have helped some. The biggest issue is getting my Aspie to understand he isn't the parent of my 4yo. I understand that she annoys him but he reacts so quickly and hits her or pushes or says something nasty that I end up comforting her rather than having a chance to correct her. He treats the 18 month old fine excusing her behavior because she is a baby. But while he seems to think he is an adult, he tends to think the four year old should behave that way too.

Things that set him off about her:

She pretends. (he is very quick to point out that she isn't really such and such and gets extremely angry when she doesn't stop pretending.

She makes annoying repetitive noises which I get that that bothers him and I'd like a chance to work on dealing with that with her. But he screams or jerks things out of her hands or hits her before I have the chance. Then I feel like she's already been punished (more than is warranted) and then I have to deal with his inappropriately behavior.

She touches food (that isn't necessarily his) or moves something closer to her so she can reach it and he goes hyper territorial. In the middle of getting him to stop, he takes a swing at her or some other thing.

Mostly these are warning shots which don't usually cause damage but still hurt physically and emotionally. The therapists and psychiatrists are no help. They are always quick to say it sounds like we are doing all the right things. (privileges are removed, we do planning things plan what to do when he is annoyed, we talk things throu afterwards and he offers restitution in someway to help restore the relationship, we talk about using words.)

My main thought is that if I can appeal to his logic, and convince him he doesn't have to
control her, it would solve most of the problem. Just yesterday, I discovered he'd been
trying to calculate every math problem instead of memorizing the times tables because he
Thought it was cheating to memorize them. Once I was able to figure that out, things went much smoother than they have in years with math.

One of the biggest helps is if I have time to remind him the pretending is developmentally appropriate for a child her age. Then he says, oh, good point and backs down. He's just really got an enormous fear she might truly believe she is a princess....

Punishments do nothing but make him even more self justified in whatever reaction he's had.

Any thoughts?

Holly

This is a common misconception amongst those with AS/NVLD/Dyscalculia. They don't realize other people are just memorizing the answers. They also tend to get confused when people tell them things such and 2/4=1/2 because the numbers are literally different and so it doesn't make sense to them. You have to explain it by getting them to realize that it's just like saying 4 quarters = 1 dollar. The 4 25 cent quarters and the 1 dollar bill represent the same quantity. The 2/4 and the 1/2 represent the same quantity.

You are going to have to "program" him with an explicit theory of mind, since he doesn't have much of an implicit one. Tell him this (just like this, even if you think he won't understand it).

Make believe:
Young children often engage in make believe play as an integral part of their neurological development. This is similar to "play fighting" that other animals due when they are young. Much as the "play fighting" helps the young animal develop skill it will need to survive when it's older, such as hunting and self defense, make believe and pretending helps humans also develop skill they may need when they are older by allowing them to explorer situations they may eventually find themselves in and figure out how to navigate them, and by helping them develop theory of mind....the ability to understand the physical and emotional situation of others and the obstacles the other person might have to navigate. This is important because human survival as a species hinges on one's ability to coordinate intellectually with another.
Make believe and pretend play also helps to develop the imagination. Imagination is important because it helps people think up creative solutions to problems and envision things which do not yet exist but can be made to exist, and situations which they have not yet found themselves in, but might eventually. In other words, make believe, pretending and imagination are like practice for real life.

Remind him that SHE knows that what she is pretending is not real, just like when he's playing a video game, he knows it's not real and he knows he's not the avatar or character in the game, and just like when actors are acting, they know it's not real and they know they are not the people they are pretending to be.

Yes, it may have been your post that I read that led to my understanding of his math issues! THANK YOU!

Anyway, I just read him your thoughts about pretending. He nodded his head in complete agreement the whole time. But when we discussed how he interrupts her play he said his problem was that she "lies" about it because when he says she's not a princess, she says yes she is for real. And pretending isn't about lying. We're working on it, but I thought you might have further insight.

I'm so relieved to have found this community. Several other posts have already helped us.

It actually might not be that he thinks she thinks she is a princess that's bothering him. He might feel uncomfortable that she has changed somehow, and is not acting like herself. This might sound silly but a person with AS/ASD can become very upset over a seemingly small change to their environment because it represents an unknown. She's not being herself and he doesn't know how to respond to it....it's just a thought. He might actually have an issue with the "lying" aspect though, which is a tricky topic to address. On one hand, lying is bad and you must reinforce this notion to children so they don't lie excessively (and most will lie a little). On the other hand, with children with AS, since many of them are quite literal minded they won't naturally deviate from what they view is right, and so will not lie for quite some time if they are told lying is wrong. But society doesn't expect people to be completely honest and does not play by it's own rules and never lying puts one at a severe disadvantage, as many people with AS eventually learn.

However it wouldn't be wise to tell a child with AS that lying is ok sometimes because they will inevitably lie about the wrong things. They lack an inherent understand of when it's "ok" to lie or they should lie (for example, manners) and when they shouldn't lie.

You might just tell your 4 year old that her brother doesn't understand make believe very well and she has to help him by telling him that she knows she is pretending so he doesn't get scared.

Interesting! We had a talk today and he agreed she might very well be the rounders if the world in her world. I think one major part of it was that she wanted him to play along or she acted as if he was. We made some ground rules that it is okay for her to be whatever she wants because we don't know, maybe in her world there are unicorns that fart flowers. That got them both very tickled. When she picks roles she is frequently picking roles of authority. And he feels like she is really taking over. I explained that she is allowed to have the world she wants but that he could stay in this world and didn't have to participate in hers at all. I explained how sometimes when i pretend with her that I will stop and say, "I like this game we are playing but I won't play when you do (fill in the blank) to me.". He seemed rlieved with this idea.