get me through tomorrow ! !! !

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HI I posted recently on here about the problems my little lad is having going to school. It started tonight Sunday - I'm not going to school tomorrow. I hate school, if you make me go I'm going to hurt everybody. He is biting himself and attacking staff at school. I know the battle will ensue in the morning and I'm trying to find the strength to get through it!! !! !
Please tell me this will get better it has been going on 4 weeks now and I don't know how much longer I can cope. Last week he ended up sobbing and rocking in my arms before he went into school, I've never seen him cry like that before so upsetting. How can i do this to him again tomorrow???
Please help me.

Ugh, I have played this game, too, and it's no fun at all. So sorry. We found our battle on this was twofold: making sure DS was actually getting what he needed at school during the day to cope, and then overcoming his belief that nothing would ever improve. It took a lot of insistence on our part, but finally he goes to school with a minimum of fuss.

How old is your little guy? What accommodations does he have at school?

(BTW - Bomaloo saved us last year by suggesting we give him a piece of bubble wrap to pop on the trip to school. Worked like a charm - of course, this was after we had made some major changes to his accommodations.)

My AS son never went through that so strongly, but my more or less NT daughter did. One thing I told her was that she needed to articulate why she hated school so that we could seek out solutions. We went back and forth a lot, with her listing complaints and me saying that some things were "just life, life isn't always rosey," that others needed to break down further until we found something actionable, and others where, finally, I could make suggestions on things to try. Of course, being the dramatist that she is, she always said that none of the ideas could possibly work, which then led to me telling her we had to try, because she had to go to school.

I think the consistent message the child needs to get is that school in some version is required, so this conversation has to be about actionable solutions, not just "I don't want to go." You can express all the sympathy in the world, and should, but actually improving the situation takes more work, and they need to understand that: that you are willing to do the work, but need some help with figuring out what to try.

If it seems like generalized anxiety is more of the problem, you need to talk to a doctor.

One thing we did was get my daughter on the school counselor's list, to try to get a third party gathering information. The counselor decided the biggest problem was social insecurity, and created a little "girl group" that my daughter was a part of. My daughter enjoyed that, and even if there wasn't anything specific she gained from it, the idea that when she cried "help" mom and the school DID something, really resounded with her, and things got better.

I think, really, that half the time the problem is that kids need to feel listened to, that someone will actually DO something when they cry out.

My daughter has done this to varying degrees her whole life. I tried everything! It was worst when she was in a public school scenario with a large class in a large school and it was overhwelming. Eventhough she is a smaller school where she feels safe she still does this to a degree.

You have to find out the reason: if it is something genuinely wong at school you need supports and as DW said a counselor (safe person) can be beneficial. If it is social anxiety, as with my daughter you are dealing with a general sense of panic and alarm at the thought of going to school-a place outside the comfort zone-with people who can be unpredictable-in a place that is outside of your control.

Now, this is going to sound bad, but after trying EVERYTHING with my daughter-the thing that works for her is to NOT allow her or engage her in getting worked up about it. Redirection is good. I always acknowledge her statement of fear-then quickly move on to something else. Getting her mind off of it helps immensely-because for her it's not so much she has a specific fear of school-it is a generalized anxiety about it. If I try to engage her in talking about it-it gets worse. If I strategize with her on it-it gets worse. The more I validate her fears the worse it gets.

I know that is contrary to psychological advice, but for my daughter-the more she engages in the thoughts the more she gets herself worked up. She needs me to distract and re-direct her so the anxiety stays down and she doesn't get stuck thinking abot the fears.

I went through this with my son in 2nd and 3rd grade. It's horrible, I know. I would usually drag him in kicking or screaming or crying or all the above. He could never articulate to me exactly WHAT was so difficult about going to school. He's in 5th grade now, and it's gotten better.
I would start by talking to his teacher to see what she/he thinks about why he's hating school so much. Is he struggling academically? Could sensory issues be playing a part? Does he have a difficult time with transitions during the day? Does he have anxiety issues? What accomedations are being made for him now and do they need to be changed? Could something about his morning routine be stressing him out?
My experience has been that schools kind of down-play a lot of real issues our kids have. For example, our case manager told me, "Can he hold a pencil? Can he walk into the building himself? Yes? Then he doesn't need OT. We don't handle sensory issues here." Wow. Sensory problems can majorly effect a kids ability to learn! My point is, you have to go down the list yourself and try to figure it out. He's obviously really stressed about something that's happening at school and I wouldn't rely on the school to tell you what it is.
I've been in your place and I feel for you. Good luck.

Is it at all possible to homeschool him even for a short time? You might gain many opportunities for him to let you know what is objectionable about school. Homeschooling is great for learning about your child. Then, if and when you need for him to return to school, you can tell right away what won't work at school.

Well do you have any idea if he's having issues at school.....is he being bullied by teachers or students? if so the only way it would get better is to get him out of that situation. Though that is easier said than done, but yeah I cannot imagine he would be freaking out about going to school that badly if there is not some sort of issue taking place there.

So I would try and find out why he's so upset about school.

What Sweetleaf said.

And, *hugs*.

I know you will figure it out.

Eventually.

I went to school the other day to find my son in full meltdown with 3 members of staff trying to stop him hurting himself and them.
This has helped though in that we have an appointment on Monday with a child psychologist and he has also got a half a day a week inclusion session at a specialist autistic school.
I also got a letter yesterday to say that the local education authority are going to assess him for a statement of educational needs.
So making progress. Thanks for your help it is such a relief to know i'm not alone. Hopefully in the future I will be as good at advice giving as all of you are.
xx

I sure wish things didn't have to be so scary for your son in order to get everyone's attention. I hope though that now that they do have their eyes wide open that things will improve! Good luck!

I hated school, it was a torture chamber!
I have been fortunate that most of my kids loved school, I made a conscious effort to make school sound really awesome, which is why Im so upset about my autie suddenly hating school when she used to cry if she couldnt go....I just posted about it.

If I were you (Im too sick and can not even sit in my wheel chair for long) I would go to school with him for a day and find out what is going on. He obviously has some very serious issues and maybe they could be easily fixed. You know him the best so you or if he has an OT would be the best to see if its possible for you to sit in or even if you had then write down everything that happens before meltdowns ect. Be a detective and find out what it is that is so horrible because it sounds horrible to me!

(((HUGS)))! !! I hope you guys got through it!! One thing I did with my oldest when he started school that really helped was giving him something special of mine to wear and play with when he felt anxious or scared. He would be fine when he first got there, but when he'd lay down for nap, he'd miss me terribly. It was a little bracelet of mine that had elastic. He would just rub it or hold it and I told him to not worry about me leaving because I would come back for him and when he looked at his bracelet, to remember that mommy was thinking about him and wouldn't forget him. He stopped wearing it after about a week and was fine from then on. Every now and then he tells me he doesn't want to go to school. Usually because he's tired and would rather snuggle in the bed and watch cartoons together or he complains that he gets bored and that his school is for babies. (It's Pre-K and he's already reading, so there you go. ) I really hope your little guy will get through this!! !! !!

Well...don't know if this will help but for my aspie daughter as well as a little boy I worked with a few years back who has autism, I couldn't give in. Whenever I gave in, I ended up having to do the battle again and again. It was like I'd broken the rule, and the new rule was I would always break the rule. So if I gave in (with him) on reading once, of course I'd do it the next day. Same with her, if I gave in on anything once, it lead to the ensuing belief that that's what would always happen.

Obviously he needs support...is it possible to attend school with him for a few days (you can do this at our school as a silent observer), or just one, and then discuss at home what it was like?

Sorry this is so tough, I do hope it resolves for both your sakes.