Problem with teenaged Aspergers son

Post Reply New Topic

Background:

My son was diagnosed with Aspergers at an early age. When he is with me he has always been pretty much the prefect child. Very courteous, goes out of his way to help others, behaves in a perfectly normal way.

At school, he was a totally different person. He would get into trouble constantly with Aspergers type problems/symptoms. Note: He is in a special school which helps with Aspergers and Autism issues.

Recently, that has calmed down, but instead of going away it has seemed to transfer to his home life at his mothers house. (He moved to his mothers about a year ago because he wanted to be raised with his half sister. I've raised him from the about a year and a half old up until about a year ago when he went to his mother's house)

Currently over the last several months he's been disrespectful, rude, and using profane language (among other things) to his mother and step father. Which has escalated recently to "new levels".
Typically, he has the attitude when asked about it that it "isn't him" or "I didn't do it". We'll talk about it and after talking it seems to sync in, but as soon as he gets dropped off it re-escalates.
If I didn't hear about this issue from multiple sources, I'd never believe it because I never see these issues with me. Infact, when he is with me he's pretty much a normal child.

I appreciate any suggestions from people in a simulator situation.

I probably can't tell you about the specifics of your situation with your son, but I can say from experience with my two sons, ages 20 and 10, that they almost always have been the perfect children at home, but not necessarily so outside of the home. Both sons can be disrespectful to others, especially if "others" are deemed as stupid by said sons. My boys seems to only respect people who they consider as bright as THEY are. And these are two guys who have been WONDERFUL at home -- very respectful, kind, considerate, etc. When they leave, sporadically they are very different to people outside our home. I constantly feel like I am having to apologize to teachers, church members, and other parents for behavior that my sons sometimes exhibit that doesn't line up with what I expect them to do.

There could be a number of issues, the first one that comes to mind is that of "limits". My son is autistic and I'm not sure if this applies to aspies. But my son learns social rules in a particular context. If he is out of that context, he behaves differently. That's why we can't teach him (for instance) school rules at home, because he needs to learn them where it's happening. Your son can be having problems with that. He may just need to be trained as to what his limits are at this other house. They (his mom and step day) may not be very clear as to the limits or expectations. It was his choice to live there, he should be held accountable for it. Does he give any reasons why he feels differently there?

my son also is kind at home, and not so much outside of the home.....for him, i think it boils down to him not feeling respected. if you treat him any differently than the others ( from his perception), then it's because you hate him....and then, because you hate him, he figures WTF~may as well act up..........it's not an easy road. has anyone tried asking him about his opinion about these matters ? does he realize that there's a change in affect and attitude ?

I agree ster, my son decides he doesnt like someone and its over.... he will do whatever they dont want him to do...

I certainly agree with Ster, being an Aspie adult, this situation cropped up with myself as a child and teenager. I did not grow up in a divorced home as your son is, but the same issue still applied. The respect issue became a big issue at school while around peers of the same age. I was an unusual kid and didn't share the same interests as many of the others. The respect issues really came up when it came to sports and gym classes, where I had the most challenges. I was ridiculed and bulleyed frequently. Many of the "issues" that came about were due to self defense to a certain extent. Basically if I was bulleyed or tricked into doing something that would get *me* into trouble with teachers instead of the perpetrator. I basically learned to trust nobody at my school, even the teachers & admin, and wouldn't allow anyone even the slightest bit of room to take advantage of me.

This basically encouraged "aspie"charastics in me, like being very quiet...I didn't say hardly 2 words from the time the bus picked me up till the time I got home that afternoon. I would ignore facial expressions, and try to avoid eye contact with anybody else, among many other factors. When it came to respecting school authority, I didn't care...they never did anything for me, and in fact were part of the challenges I had, so why should I be inclined to go out of my way to do anything to be nice or respect them.

I felt home as a "safe haven" as my parents were pretty cool about things and knew what rubbed me the wrong way, and thus tried to avoid them. At home, I could "loosen up" I also found adults much more forgiving and tolerant to my differences. Adults seemed ti give me a bit more respect and seemed more mature and more on my intelligence level. Because of this, I would look up to them, and make sure that I didn't do anything to rub them the wrong way. I went out of my way to respect the adults outside of the school that at showed interest in me and didn't mind my prescence. Of course, outside of the school, I could avoid the people that rubbed me the wrong way very easily, which was something that I could not do in the school. Outside of school, conflicts that would subsequently occur with these people were avoided too. Like you're son, I earned the same repuation of being a very well-mannered, respectful person outside of the school, and my parents too, couldn't figure out this basic issue.

The same situation may be happening here. In step-child situations, the step parent typically does not take the time and attention with stepchildren the way they would with their own kids. Step-kids are seen as "baggage" in a desireable relationship, and to the step-parent they can be seen as just something they must simply endure or tolerate in order to enjoy the relationship with whom they love. Your son't step-father may be the source of issues in your mother's household. It may even be something the step-father is unaware of too, as he may not have any experience with autie/aspie people.

I am a 20 yo male with AS. I was rebellious and disrespectful when i was youger primary due to the fact that my peers and the system treated me as an outsider. when the world around u does not understand it was easy to be hostile to it.

As an adult with AS, I can certainly vouch for the fact that we often have issues with respect. We tend to think that respect is earned, rather than simply conferred. I was and am, usually quiet and well behaved.

However, if a person takes advantage, speaks to me rudely or tries to make me do things I consider really stupid, I will lose some or all respect for them. It doesn't matter if that person is a peer or someone in charge, it is all the same to me. A fool is a fool, no matter what.

Conversely, I respect people who are often looked down upon by society generally eg. cleaners and service people. I do respect limits but do find it easier when they are consistent and the reason for them explained courteously and precisely. I am not a mind reader so "unwritten rules" are what I consider a waste of time.

i have a strong memory about not respecting certain adults because of their behaviour when i was a kid (i'm not sure about the reasons why that was, it was a very specific feeling, this might have been because they were not clear enough for exemple. this person always would have had to make up with me before i would have been able to respect him/her again)

There seems to be a corelation between the amount of stress someone on the Spectrum is experiencing and the frequency and itensity of their outbursts. They remain calm and responsive when they are in a structured environment that does not make excessive demands on them, but have meltdowns when their limit is breached. This can occur by creating new demands, a non-receptive instructor or changes in their home life, including a new authority figure that exceed their coping mechanisms. They find themselves stripped of their armor and unable to defend their dignity, so they grab at whatever is available to deflect blame or responsibility from themselves.

People on the Spectrum tend to think in black vs white, with no gray. Truth vs lies; good vs bad. They think in terms of - "When 'they' ask if I broke something and I say, "No." that should be enough." because if they continue to ask, it means they believe he's lying, or "If getting the right answer makes me Good, then a wrong answer or forgetting my homework makes me Bad, but I'm not permitted to be Bad. Instead of being told I'm Bad, it's better to change the subject, dump over a desk or have a tantrum and end the session my way."
They interpret what people say literally and can get a whole different meaning from a benign statement.

Since your son is well behaved with you and at the special school, it would appear that the stressors are in his homelife. If he won't discuss it with you, why not see if he'll go to a counselor who can gain his confidence. Talking to the ex and his other housemates might be another way to go. If they don't get it, have his counselor or school psychologist bring them into the 21st century.

I don't know the situation in the home where t here is a stepparent but I know that, as an Aspie, I don't think, if my parents split up, that I would have liked someone else marrying one of my parents, and expecting to be treated like a parent. I'm very literal, and only my parents were allowed to act like my parents to me. I was capable of being rude to adults that I felt overstepped their boundaries towards me. Maybe your child isn't comfortable in the "other" family. I think I would have had trouble leaving MY home to go visit another parent and his wife in THEIR home, and I may have been a little unpleasant on purpose, hoping that they'd send me back to familiar ground. I think it would be hard for a teen on the spectrum to float between two households. Maybe there is resentment too. I don't speak for anyone except myself, but the two families and the step parent and having to spend a weekend here and a weekend there would have bugged me and brought out the rebellion in me, and been stressful.
School was similar. I didn't want to be there, and, unlike most kids, did not think of adults as deserving any more respect than kids my own age, and they had to earn it to get it from me. While i didn't swear, I could borderline be a smart mouth, and, if bored in class, doodle on my desk or my hand or on paper, or write stories (a big obession of mine) or even put my head down and shut my eyes. I probably would have done better in a smaller class and with one teacher to relate to. Moving from class to class exhausted and irritated me and unsettled me, and I had so many sensory issues that, if the fan was blowing in a classroom, the fan sounded so loud to me that I couldnt' concentrate on what the teacher was saying, and I'd just space out and not even try to pay attention.