gay-friendly parenting

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when Olivia is talking about being a parent and I say that she'll be a parent someday too. Should I add, "when you meet a nice man or woman" just to make her feel free to come out if she's leans that way when she's older?

Not only that, you should add "when you're an adult" and "if you want to".

I would say yes and when she asks further just explain, name it. I did it with my son as well, I cleared him up sexually at the age of eight - shortly before his ninths birthday and as he came up with the word gay I explained it and with other sexual words as well. I think the more open minded we handle this topic the more kids feel safe and accepted. I don't want him to feel ashamed for his sexuality; it's part of him and that's ok.

I just make sure to use gender-neutral words: so, in your phrase I would say "when you meet someone." I did say "man or woman," and in retrospect, I feel like it was TMI. We are lucky enough to have several gay friends with families; I think exposing my son to other gay families has had more of a positive impact than anything I said. We are really blessed to live in such a diverse and open community.

When he got older, he ran into the word "gay" on the playground somewhere, and when he asked what it meant, I was able to explain that it was a family with either two mommies or two daddies, and then give him the concrete examples of our friends. He was too little to understand sexuality in terms of a pairing relationship, so explaining it in terms of family was really helpful.

Later on, the term "gay" came up as an insult, and I was again able to ask him how he thought his friend's Mom might feel if she heard the word being used that way.

Honestly, I'd just leave the man or woman out. Who cares if it's a man or a woman? My opinion is that too many people put too much emphasis on gender for way too many things.

Ex:
I hope you grow up and become a parent some day. When you grow up, you may not want to have children and that's OK too.

"when you grow up and find someone you love SO much, you may want to have a baby".

That's how we started the discussion many years ago.

Later the genders came up, and then after that the gay discussion.

We have two members of the family that are gay, my SIL is a lesbian who has adopted two children, so it is easy for us to make it real for the kids. However we live in a community that is rather conservative, so the kids hear a lot of negative messages about "gay" and I wanted to be sure they knew where we stood, before those messages took hold.

I agree with the gender neutral suggestion, as well as saying "if" you meet someone, "if" you decide to become a parent.

MY BF is gay, and him and his partner have always been a big part of our family, so it was perfectly natural for gay and hetero relationships to be seen as possibilities to my sons. The bigger questions to us was how much of the prejudice out there to make our kids aware of and when. It is ugly, and I wish we didn't have to teach them that their uncle doesn't have the same rights as most people in most countries, and that there are people out there who hate and would even harm him just for being who he is.

well mine are all boys, which makes it a bit different i think. i just refer to the vague future and the desire to have children if they talk about it.

keep in mind that babies do not require that your child meet someone they want to marry, or make a family with, etc. especially if you have a daughter. she may choose to have a baby and raise it on her own, even may choose artificial insemination.

i dont think weve ever had to work at introducing gay acceptance to our kids, mainly because my sister, the only relative they have contact with, is lesbian. so they know that their aunt's partner is another woman, and its never caused all that much issue. its just matter of fact around our house. the older two eventually reached an age where they noticed it and had a couple simple questions, the youngest hasnt reached that point yet. when its part of their surroundings as they grow up, i think theres less mystery or even curiosity about it.

I would be more concerned about treating being able to have children as something that is automatically going to happen - infertility seems just as likely as being gay. I don't mean that you should be explaining that to her at the moment, but it is something to keep in mind, and you should make sure you are making her feel NOT being a parent is ok too, whether by choice or not.

WTF is this nonsense?

So, the only reason for straight marriage is to have children and everybody knows there's no such things as sperm banks or if someone is open-minded enough to be bi, there might be someone out there they'd want a child with for the couple.

a-DUH!

WTF are you on about? All LornaDoone was suggesting was that you tell you daughter that it's ok if she doesn't want children. She didn't mention marriage.

just saying that children shouldn't be a factor and that because someone is gay doesn't mean they don't or wouldn't want children.

My a-DUH assertion stands.

Well, yes, that's obviously true.

But where has anyone said otherwise, or said that the only purpose of straight marriage is to produce children?

My husband, 5yr old daughter and I have been invited to a gay wedding. Very little explanation was needed. She knows one of the grooms and that he's in love with another man. The fact that they are both men hasn't even caused an eyebrow to be raised.

as a bi AS mom of an AS 8-year-old daughter, I have to say (and I'm engaged to a woman)... it still stumps me. She's at the age where you can't just be vague all the time about gender. My fiance always wants to use both pronouns, and I prefer to be vague, partly because DD's father is very homophobic (don't ask... DD was the product of a marriage that resulted from an obsession with a certain country in Africa), and we live in a gritty low-income neighborhood where people use gay slurs as insults all the time. And she has no social boundaries as it is, so I am very careful to protect her... I don't want kids to make fun of her family to her face until she is ready to take them on and defend herself in an argument. She already has enough trouble with bullies.

So anyway, I feel like it depends on the kid. My daughter is intellectually advanced but emotionally very much a little girl, younger than her years. She also tunes out a lot that she isn't ready to understand, which right now, includes sexuality and adult relationships. She calls my fiance "Mom's best friend" to her friends and that works fine for us. When we move to a more tolerant neighborhood and (someday... ugh) I can finally come out to the ex without fear of what he might try to do about it legally, she can be more open. Or if she gets older and we're still here, and she wants to be more open and deal with people's reactions, that will be her choice and I'd support her in that. I just know that right now, she has absolutely no idea how to defend herself against the more socially sophisticated bullies and cliques in her grade, and she is already called "weird" all the time... and she is also different in so many other ways other than just being AS... she is the only person of her ethnicity and religious background in her school, etc... and she has her obsessions with anime, comics, nutrition, maps and such that sometimes are alienating already for her.

I think in talking about homosexuality and gender (or just being open to all relationships) with kids, we have to think about the cost... for a straight parent, and especially if they are neurotypical with NT kids, the cost is very low. If you live in an accepting area, then all the more low. If you don't have hostile exes who are trying to undermine your teachings, even better.

But for someone like me, there is a lot at stake for both me and my child if I am too casual and too specific about putting gay/straight relationships on exactly the same platform of social normalcy. Being "ok" and being "normative" are two totally separate matters. Of course I teach her that all forms of love, including gay relationships, are OK. Does she make the connection about myself and my fiance? Yes, in brief moments, but it's complicated. She can be hard to reach. Do I teach her that being gay/bi/genderqueer/trans is "the norm?" No, because it's not, and because discrimination is very real and sad. I want to teach her that she can love any way she wants in the future, but I want to wait for her to make her own decisions about that when she's ready, rather than shaping her now by making all the options seem equally normative, commonly occuring, and socially easy. The reality is, they are not, and without the proper social boundaries to understand this, she is likely to speak too freely without any ability to defend herself or understand why someone might prey upon her for talking favorably/neutrally about non-heteros. So right now, it's a delicate balance. I am teaching her a little at a time but still protecting her from society. I hope I'm doing it right.

Saraji -

Thank you for sharing your real life with us. I think it is important for people living in a straight relationship (as you said with little risk) to do all possible to help all families be seen as normal, in hopes that it can make your life or your daughters life just a tiny bit easier. I want my children to know I stand for equality and whatever their orientation turns out to be, they will be loved the same here.

I think the point you made about teaching the reality of discrimination is very important, although had to grasp the every day oppression if one has never been the target of discrimination. We once moved to an area where we were racially discriminated against every day. I now have a framework for that discussion.

Thanks again