Birthday party for your own AS child?

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Hi Everyone,

I was hoping to get some feedback about experiences of giving your children a birthday party. My daughter had a 1st birthday party, just for family. Since then, she's not had one. We tend to go out as a family to a local restaurant and do something special, e.g. one year we went to a Doctor Who exhibition. She's spoken a couple of times about having one, but doesn't seem too fussed. But, this morning my mum called and said that she thought it would be nice if we could ask a few friends to come for a small party, to celebrate her 6th birthday. She thought that she could ask a half dozen girls and that might help to kickstart some friendships. My mum's not pushy and we won't fall out over this, it was just a suggestion. So, there I was trying to think of anyone that she might want to be there. She has 3 friends (1 girl, 2 boys) that she sometimes sees after school and one friend at school (although they've had a falling out). When she's been to parties, she hasn't even spoken to any of the other kids, although there's only a couple that she doesn't like. So, of course I'm a little apprehensive, in case she's like that at her own party. She only has 3 (maybe 4) people she calls friends, and I don't want to have a party with just them. One has AS and is socially phobic, so he might not want to come anyway. I could just invite the whole class (all 31) like some parents do, but I don't see the point in that and 2 of her real friends aren't even in her class, so the numbers would be a little excessive. Inviting just the girls would then mean she couldn't really ask a couple of boys (who are her actual friends).

Any experiences anyone would like to share?

I don't have kid parties for my boys' birthdays. I know that part of the reason is my fear that no one would come, but mostly because it becomes overwhelming for my son with AS. I've found that it works better when we have a family party and then we do a separate "day of fun" with 1 or 2 kids. I let the birthday boy pick whatever he wants to do (within reason) and we all spend the day together. This way works out better for so many reasons. For instance, it's less expensive and less overwhelming. I can also communicate better with just 1 or 2 parents. I hope this helps!

My daughter (AS) didn't really have any birthday parties when she was growing up. She didn't want one and we didn't want to force one on her. Instead she had special days out to somewhere of her choice. I think a party would have been a nightmare for her.

I would ask your daughter what she wants to do.

I asked my kiddo if he wanted one and he said, "No thanks!." And skipped away. He really isn't into all of that....why torture him on his birthday by making him do it? If we want to build friendships, that's what playdates are for.

I hate parties and always have done
I had a birthday party a while ago, I think it was in first school, there were probably some people there I didn't know, and there were also stupid games that I saw no point in playing... I was only given a few days warning in advance, so that wasn't at all helpful. There was loud 'music' at times, and lots of people eating. It was also not in my house, which annoyed me a lot.
I agree with AspergerFiction, find out what she would expect from a party and don't let her be caught off-guard by anything.

Parties are about the worst time to make friends; the situation is too "busy" for that. While they can be used to enhance the reputation of a child at that age (being known as the kid with the cool parties is a good thing), that is all lost if the child melts down in a major way at her own party - which is a serious risk.

Does your daughter have any interest in having a party?

You do have to give parties to be invited to parties, but overall I've found the whole party thing to be full of land mines with both of my kids, one who is AS and one who is NT. As much as I love creating a fantastic kid party (I'm really good at it), I've also learned that kids don't really get all that much that is positive from parties. We eventually sat down as a family and decided to jump off the bandwagon, and my kids are soooo much happier.

Thanks everyone. I think we'll probably stick with the usual routine. Or we could ask her after school pals to come round for a little get together (her birthday's on a Wednesday this year, the day that they all seem to appear anyway). She can cope well with those three and I think this would please her. I'll speak with her about the options.

If I had done the whole party thing, I would have been trying to get a kids' entertainer. But, it would have been this guy who does fun science experiments and I know she would have loved that, as she's seen him a couple of times before. I'm sure that part would have been great, but the rest would have been more stressful for the whole family.

Last year, on her birthday, we arrived at school to find that it was closed, as there had been unexpected fall of very heavy of snow. So, we asked one of her friends to come to the house to play. We sang happy birthday and happened to have a cake (my husband had bought two, one for the restaurant and another just because he likes cake). She had a lovely day, with just the four of us.

This suggestion depends on what kind of sensory needs your child has. My DS6 is a sensory seeker, and so loves loud noisy bouncy places like Pump It Up and Chuck E Cheese. For him, these birthday parties are great, since it's *expected* that you go jump around or go off and play video games, there isn't much interaction with the other kids required, and you aren't trying to follow somebody leading party games. He loves it that all his friends are there, and that he gets to sit on the birthday throne. We did this for preschool, but now are debating about the expense of inviting the whole kindergarten class...

When my son was 6 or 7 we took him and three of his friends to the Science Centre. He tended to wander off by himself a fair bit, but as there's always loads to do and it's a big place, that wasn't a big deal really. I took a birthday cake and candles, and we ate that with other food we bought them all in the Centre cafe. I think I allowed a couple of hours for it, which is the usual party time, or maybe a wee bit longer. One of the mothers, a friend of mine, stayed with us, the others dropped off and came back for them.

It worked really well.

Ask her - If she wants a party invite her three friends. If she doesn't want a party plan something fun with her three friends, just don't call it a party. We don't have to have the image of a celebration - just do what works for your child.

If she wants a party, I don't see why you can't still get all the stuff you were thinking of for just four kids. they will have a blast. If she doesn't want one, still let grandma plan a nice day with the kids.

BTW - I used to have my little one's parties on Wednesdays - that is the day our schools only go 1/2 day, you can usually get the bounce houses or entertainers WAY cheaper!

Another comment - this applies not only to birthday parties but also to things like Christmas, Halloween, etc. Remember that the ritual associated with the event isn't the central point of it. The central point is the feeling you want to evoke. Birthday parties are for making the birthday child feel extra special and happy for one day and for others to get together to show this one person how much they like him/her. As long as they do that, it's a great birthday party. You could even have a party with no cake, candles or presents, where the phrase 'happy birthday' was never said, and it could still be a great birthday party just because it was X's special day.

Thanks everyone. The decision has been made, mainly by my daughter. We'll go out as a family for her birthday dinner, which she always enjoys. She shares her birthday with my mum, so it's always a double celebration. But, she also wants to go to a local softplay centre with her 4 real friends. They will be on different days. We were in the middle of writing a list of probable guests for a party, where I'd hire a hall and we'd get the science guy. I wasn't planning the party, just going over a possibility, to see what she thought. We got to 16 names, when she suddenly said, 'I just want to go to softplay with my pals'. She's a very active (hyper sometimes) little girl and I could have guessed she'd want to go there. I asked her for the names and she immediately decided on those 4. She wants a cake (like her dad, she loves birthday cake) and for us to sing, 'Happy Birthday'. We could even have proper meals, if the kids want. Parties at the centre usually consist of an hour of play then an hour in the party room (playing games and eating chips, hotdogs, etc), but she never enjoys the goings on in the party room anyway. I've decided to make up some party bags for the guests and my daughter will love to get involved in deciding what to buy. All I have to do before then is to speak with the mums to co-ordinate our diaries, as I want to make sure most (if not all) of the kids can make it. She's looking forward to it and it's taken a load off.

Thanks again.

I think you came up with the ideal solution. We have had a lot of success with birthday parties that revolved around specific activities. Since your daunted is so active, that may be something to consider in the future. Larger groups of children are more tolerable when they have something to occupy them.

I was so sad that my 11 year old didn't want the traditional (in my family) 10 year old birthday blowout...but then I realized that it would have been torture for him...