Son yells "penis" everytime I try to ask him somet

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My 13-year old son, who has an Asperger's diagnosis, is getting angrier and more locked into strange behaviors this summer. He has taken lately to throwing little balls against the wall of his bedroom (which I think will eventually damage the drywall). When I try to talk to him about it, come into the room, even ask him a question, he has taken to screaming "get out" at me or the word "penis." Sometimes he will say "suck my penis" which has become a real favorite expression since the beginning of 7th grade. I am an aspie myself and don't think I am being unreasonable. I want him to be safe and not damage our house. Sometimes his 8 year old sister gets caught up in the whole thing. He doesn't do anything harmful to her, but they gang up against me. Any suggestions? I'm getting nowhere.

That's just plain disrespectful. Don't put up with that. Let him know that what he's doing is unacceptable. If he continues to do it, discipline him. If there's a particular reason why he's doing this that he wants you to understand, he'll come to you.

Yes, that is disrespectful....BUT there is another consideration - neurological disorder that is in tandem with Asperger's: Tourette's Syndrome.

Some (mostly in males) w/ ASD have that Tourette's component. I cannot know, of course, but this really seems congruent with what you've described. Tourette's is worsened with anxiety and other stresses (& now teenager). Then, if he's 'in trouble' that just makes his condition worsen.

Could you ask his doctor/neurologist? When he starts school in fall he'll need to get this under control. I really hope that helps.

PS: Lab Pet doesn't have Tourettes (I'm female too) BUT I am echolaliac at times when I do speak. I learned this is a mild variant of Tourettes - might be more common then we know.

One female (NT) I know told me when she has reprimanded her son (Aspie) he'll inexplicably start giggling. She was baffled; he's conscientious and this is (almost) defiant - but he truly didn't mean what he was expressing - just involuntary. Those w/ Tourette's often will exhibit those 'bad words' that normally would not say! Often behavioral problems (w/ Aspies) can spiral out of control & Tourette's could be that trigger.

http://tourettenowwhat.tripod.com/FAQ.htm

^ pekkla: This isn't the best...but you could check out this site. Of course, no Tourette's individual would display all but maybe exhibit a narrow range. Neurologically, this could be as if the brain (& he's an adolescent!) just has not 'caught up' yet with the rest - that 'out of control' behavior. Again, I don't know. But seems to fit what you're saying.

Just an anology: Some teenage males have problems with bed-wetting. Parents get upset, saying he 'ought to be in better control' but it's actually a development problem and WORSENS the behavioral component.

I would assume you have tried immediate, negative reinforcement? (I.E. Logical consequences - you state what will happen if he does it again, and then follow through calmly every single time. It has to be completely calmly, and uniformly, done. Sorry if this offends anyone, but sometimes training children is remarkably similar to training a dog. And it is critically necessary.)

talk to him when he's calm and nothing has been said about the subject and ask him is he having trouble saying things he can't control or doesn't want to say. My sons OCD makes him say things that he does'nt want to say. So check into OCD as well as tourettes. His neurologist said his isn't tourettes because he only had to say things over and over in his head. He said to be tourettes it has to be physical tics AND vocal tics like clearing your throat or sniffing, something noisy. He used to say things out loud when he was younger but didn't have physical tics. Good luck, I hope it's not just him being disrespectful, if it is that's probably harder to fix, but better in the long run.

Thanks everyone for the ideas. My son seems to like to use phrases for their "gross out" impact, and I think he does it in part to shut me up or control me. For example, he is lapsing into poor hygiene mode this summer, refusing to shower for days. When I hassle him about it, I get the "penis" and other choice sexual words that he has heard tough ass 7th graders use all year long. He seems to be convinced that using this language is cool on some level, so he shouts it out. But he definitely has anxiety issues which we havent really sorted through yet.

I once lip read to the long john silvers song back in the 90's with my mother in the same room as me. She came up and walloped me a slap across the face for no apparent reason - when I asked why, she told me it was for mocking her. I said what? And she said I was moving my mouth to her words in a mocking fashion - I then explained, and she then apologized..

The only real outcome of this train of thought is the smacking across the face tends to not leave a mark (most of the time).

My son is turning 12 this summer and he sounds JUST like this...
What I do is take what he loves away, the computer and ps3....it causes an instant change in behavior.
but as someone above suggested, punishment MUST be followed through or you'll be manipulated over and over...as I have been trying to learn this lesson for a year now since my divorce. consistent, steady, and unyielding discipline will win over getting angry and yelling.

Also my son likes to avoid a shower now too...it's soooo irritating let me say. But I threaten to take away that ps3 and computer and he RUNS to shower. I'm lucky his passion is computers like his dad. lol.

I wish u all the best in this test of wills. YOU ARE THE PARENT.

ike.

It does really sound like Supernanny time.

I'd suggest trying behaviour reinforcement (meaning to use both rewards and punishments and follow through). I'd caution against any punishments which involve physical violence at his age (eg: smacking) as he's too old and may hit back.

Avoid any physical struggle too. If he fights you when you try to remove the playstation, you'll need to back off and try an alternative approach.

Make sure that nothing else is happening in his life which could be tripping these outbursts (depression, family separation, friends becoming enemies etc).

If he has plenty of long and predictable lucid adult moments, then you could take him out for coffee as an adult and talk through things with him. If you do this, don't treat him like a child while you're out. Show that you value his opinions and see if you can get him to tell you what's wrong.

Failing all this, see a developmental paediatrician and check into tourettes.

My friend was like this before but when we became friends,he stopped being like that

....maybe because he's ashame to let me know his true colors

Well, its rather obvious.

He doesnt like being nagged. He also knows that when he says things like that, you stop talking. So, when you start nagging him, it makes sense for him to say things which he knows will shut you up. That is really all there is to it.

Have you tried sitting down with him and working out a solution in an calm and mutually respective manner? Dont get me wrong, I am all for the reward/consequence method when dealing with younger children who lack the ability to have a mature discussion. But your son is at an age where the reward/consequence systems will do nothing but annoy and infuriate him, thus making things worse. People always think that teenagers are disrespectful, when in reality the majority of the problem is the parents and teachers showing them no respect and treating them like they are 4.

If you want your son to respect you, you need to respect him. That means you sit down with him, clearly explain what you want, WHY (most important) you want it that way, and how you would like things to happen. Then ask him if he agrees, and what his opinions are on the matter. Does he have a different idea, perhaps you could come up with a solution. Instead of assuming that he is just a filthy brat who doesnt want to take a shower, try asking him why he doesnt want to. Figure out what the problem is, and then try to fix it. Explain to him that he is becoming an adult, and as such, he has to act in a mature way. And acting in a mature way means having a open conversation with you where everybody talks to and listens to one another with mutual respect. NOT him doing whatever you say when you say it or else. That is not him being an adult.

I could easily write a book on this, but to make a long story short. Your son is becoming an adult, try teaching him to act like an adult by treating him like an adult. Have a conversation with him when he is calm. Be reasonable, dont assume everything has to be done your way. Take his opinions into consideration and work out a mutual compromise. Also, teach your son that being an adult means that you must show mutual respect for each other. As in he shouldn't yell profanities, and you shouldn't harass him. If you try treating your teenage son like a young child with the typical reward and punishment system then all you are going to do is breed resentment. Sure, you may get some results from taking away his stuff initially, but all it will do is drive a rift between the two of you which wont work out well long term.

I find it helpful when a kid I'm with does something "shocking" to change the subject or to try and abuse my ears. Just to stop look at them like they said something so boring I can barly keep my eyes open then ask if they are done trying to teach me a new word and if we can get back to the matter at hand. I don't get mad infact I try not to react in any way at all it takes the power out of the dirty word. In the case of a body part I sometimes reply with yeap 50% of the words got one of those. Words only have the power we give them if he finds it's not longer working to upset you he'll move on to a new faze. If he is just doing it to get your goat and not like some of the other posters said it's a deeper isuse. I hope some of this helps a little best of luck and remeber all kids do things that drive us adults around the bend.

If you say "seneep yom cuss" correctly, record it and play it backwards.

Let him throw the little balls against the wall. Dry wall can be spackled and it's a small issue. Concerning the word "penis" by itself and in the phrase, are you sure this is actually an aggression or deterrent against you to keep you out of his room, or could this be a vocal tic he might have developed?

If it's the former, I think you can either ignore it and show him it's not working, because it probably is a phase, or punish him for it because it could lead to general disrespect later.

Had I said something like that to my mother when I was younger I would have promptly been grabbed by the arm, lead to the kitchen sink and had my mouth washed out with her screaming "Don't you ever ever call me that again! Do you hear me?" the whole time. I was seldom punished but when I was, it was quick and potent, and it worked. Since my mother rarely got mad enough to punish me, I knew it was a big deal when she did. This method also worked surprisingly well on my NT brother, and I can think of about three words where the first time he ever said them was also the last time he ever said them.

One other thought - is he being bullied? He might be imitating things that others have said to him. He's the right age for bullying, as it tends to peak in pre-teens/early adolescence. And many AS kids are bullied.