At my wit's end

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Had a very good summer, no school! my son had a very difficult 1st year at post primary. School not understanding his difficulties, meetings with the school, appointments with CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) after 5 years eventually they agree on his diagnosis. Hoping this would get him the support he needs in school. 5 years back and forth to private consultants.

My son very good at masking his difficulties, making it extra difficult for others to see his difficulties.

Last year was very difficult for him and the family threatening to harm and kill himself, summer holidays no threats. One week completed back to the threats and school refusal, we have discussed home schooling he has rejected this. Change of school where we live is not really an option, we live in a small town and there is only 2 schools to chose from. I don't think the school itself is a problem, but do feel the lack of support for my son is a problem, when he was in primary school his difficulties weren't pick up and I when I would bring it to the attention of the teacher they were dismissed. He did have a very good teacher for his final year but she still didn't pick up on his anxieties.

The positive here is that I now understand his needs where up till last year I did not know anything about AS. I always knew he was struggling thought it was ADHD, but also felt it was more. I have been fighting hard to get to where we are now, I have the support of the local services eventually, My husband and I understand his needs, but we are still struggling with school.

There has been a lot of appointments not sure if this has taken it toll, but I don't think so. I thought the summer break would give us all time to recover and we did have a very good summer.

It just feels like one step forward, ten steps back this week, I was hoping things would move forward but we are stuck. My son is taking new medication to help with his anxieties/OCD over the weekend he was having panic attacks, couldn't even mention the word school or he would get so upset.

I know the morning will be difficult, we will get through it not sure where do I go from here.

It's interesting that he has so much anxiety/phobia and yet does not want to homeschool. What reasons does he give against homeschool? Are there any other options -- private schools, online school, homeschool co-op groups, etc? What would he need from his current school to make the situation bearable?

Home schooling he doesn't want to be a weirdo, even though he feels he is weird, he is 13yrs there is no private school locally, not sure about online but that would be home schooling. Problems at school now is that he has been told that he will get help, but its not structured or predictable, he struggles a lot with his locker, writing his home work down doesn't have enough time, if he needs to ask a teacher a question becomes a huge problem if he thinks he is going to be rejected. He spends most of the class worry about the questions and not getting the answer he wants, eventually he ask the answer is negative. This cycle continues unless he gets involved in something he enjoys.

The hopeful part is that these sound to me like things which could be addressed in an IEP. Make a list, brainstorm accommodations (keep them reasonable from a teacher's workload perspective, and as invisible to the other kids as possible, or your son may not want them, if he's concerned about being seen as a weirdo), and then call an IEP team meeting.

Dang, just realized you are in Ireland, and the process might be different. Seriously, I get to demand an IEP meeting whenever I think it is needed, which it always is at the start of school. But I don't know how it works for, and the rest of this post also assumes things are similar there as they are here ...

My son stopped using his locker in middle school (we hated that he carried a library on his back, but it reduced mental stress), and we could check various forms of teacher homework hotlines to get his assignments. Most schools have a process for that, because in middle school school lots of kids struggle with keeping track of it. Time was a huge struggle for my son in middle school, so we dropped binders and went to quick in and out open side folders. And so on. When your son complains, ask for ideas. You brainstorm until something works. This is going to be a life skill you are modeling for your son: have to resolve it when things aren't workable. Or, at least try until there is nothing left to try.

If he is saying he doesn't want to home school, he as to recognize that he is also saying he is willing to try different things to figure out if they can resolve his issues and make things work for him. He's 13, he's getting closer to legal adulthood, and if he wants to push at the boundaries of what he is comfortable with, good for him - but he is still learning how that works, and he needs your help. And the help of the teachers. Which will pull together when you've both finished getting the lay of the land and had a chance to get all the teachers in one room for an IEP meeting.

The beginning of every school year has been a process of identification with my son (now 14, first year high school), figuring out what the primary issues are at this point in time, with this set of classes. It may be that way for the rest of his life, every time he walks into a new situation. He learns something from watching what we, his parents, do - how we respond, and how the school responds. He gets a sense of what can be negotiated, v. what he has to live with, and how that process comes about.

Good luck.

It's really, really difficult to have a kid who's high-functioning enough to "fake it." My son was the same - didn't want to be different, didn't want to acknowledge that there was a problem. I think what changed for him were the AS social skills groups with other really high-functioning kids: he learned there were other kids who were "weird" but who had tremendous gifts and skills, too.

I'm sorry things are hard for you: I remember living with the meltdowns at home. I felt like I was in an abusive relationship, except it was my son and not my husband - I was constantly cringing, waiting for the explosion. Don't discount how difficult this is for you and make sure you are taking care of yourself.

One thing that might help you with the school: chart the meltdowns and school refusals, especially if you can figure out the antecedents - and write detailed notes on exactly what happened each time. Bring that to the school and ask them for more help with your son - this fight took us a long, long time and finally resolved somewhat when DS started bringing the suicidal language to school and the school finally started to take it seriously. Figure out exactly what supports you want him to have and ask for them expressly.

g nite

Last edited by Annmaria on 04 Sep 2011, 10:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

IEP are used here in Ireland, I am just looking into it now to see what the guidelines are.

Thanks again for your replies, If I can get him to engage in a conversation about school, we can discuss what changes would help. He can tell me what he doesn't like about school, but has difficulties in explaining what changes he would like. Its like when the teacher approaches him and ask it all ok he will always say yes because at that time things are ok.

Last edited by Annmaria on 05 Sep 2011, 6:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

Really, really difficult.

It doesn't help that you don't have the option of other schools.

Every inch of me thinks that home-education would be the best option. You have already said that the summer holidays were OK (relatively speaking) so he is obviously more relaxed at home. I think the question I would ask myself is can you ever see (the current) school getting any better? If so what needs to happen? How long will it take? Can you actually envisage a positive outcome at this school? If not then you really have only one choice.

I realise it is diffficult if he is rejecting the idea of home education - but I wonder if there is a way to sell him the idea?

Look over the IEP thread that's linked at the top of the forum. You may need to just try some random things and see if they work (as long as the school is amenable) because a large part of the dysfunction is not being able to identify nor communicate the problem. My suggestions: what DW a mom calls a "free pass" (an ability to leave the room and go to a safe place. He should have some determined amount of tickets to get this - DS took too much advantage of it.) Preferential seating in front of the teacher. Having teachers go over his physical state and label his feelings per his body language (e.g. tight shoulders, tight lips, eyes on the floor = nervous.) Have all instructions written down in detail and placed on his desk. A stress ball or other "fidget" for his hands, or chewelry.

Even with professional help and a diagnosis, a lot of the accommodations are trial-and-error anyway.

Thanks momsparky, I have requested already that he sits in the front, he used to have thera putty to help but all the others wanted it and it caused problems. he has a bracelet he uses it is elasticated so used that when he is nervous. He says it helps. Rang school have another review meeting end of month will bring all these things up. I will also arrange a meeting this week to met his year head.

Just from a purely logical point of view.

Is there anyway you get get him to do home schooling but also enrol in some groups with activities that he likes so he gets the best of both worlds?

FYI, my son could identify problems but not usually workable ideas to solve them. Brainstorming those solutions is pretty much my job. But he is slowly absorbing what that process looks like, how you throw out everything and anything first, and then refine it.

I would guess that time is an issue because of a slow processing speed. He just moves slower, and this is a common Aspie trait (Although some Aspies are blessed with the opposite). This causes problems in lots of spots during a middle school day, as Middle Schools tend to run on a very tight schedule (I guess to keep kids this age from having time to get distracted by their raging hormones). But those schedules are really hard for kids that have even the smallest roadblocks . My son was always late to the class after PE because he can't do shoes well (bungee laces solved it), and so on and so on. You have to get lots of details about an average day to spot the solveable trouble spots.