Puberty and Girls

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My AS daughter who is 11 years old has real issues dealing with the whole growing up thing!

Hates boobies, hates periods, hates bras, hates being a girl, hates having aspergers, hates babies and girl bits. Well you get the general idea. Last week in OT periods were mentioned and she had a total meltdown at the mention of them - started punching herself, it was not pretty.

Any-who just in from work to find a note from school, the subject today was - yes you guessed it all of the above - she lost it completely and had to be taken out of the class. I understand that she is uncomfortable with the subject matter but she can't miss a whole topic in a class as it will impact on her overall grade. Non "personal" subjects are fine and she copes generally well (she goes to a mainstream high school) but I just don't know how to handle this - will it get better as she gets older...? Is this going to happen every time the subject is mentioned..?? Her classmates were very embarrassed by the whole outburst



BTW done all the books and social stories till they are coming out of our ears - she won't even look at certain chapters, espically about babies etc
Help!

There is a HUGE social pressure to be a 'girlie' girl. Just the very word 'girlie' suggest that if you don't fit the stereotype, then you're not really a girl. When people say that you're not a 'real girl', believe me that gender-confuses the heck outta you. The best think you can do is accept that she's just not a typical girlie-girl and to let her know that it's okay to be that way, that there are many ways to be a woman.
I think the baby hating thing may be because there is a social pressure to want to have babies when you're a girl, and when you feel that you have to do something usually that makes you not wanna do it.

I had a hard time with growing up in my preteens and it was worse when I was 12 because I got my period and had a woman's body and my breasts got big from small.

I remember I totally freaked out about periods when I was 10 when my school decided to teach us about puberty and the first thing they talked about was periods and that was it. Not only was I freaked out, half of the girls in my class were because of the way it was explained.

Then when I was in 5th grade, mom didn't have me take the courses in class and I was always sent to the library to read about sports by my teacher. But in 6th grade I felt ready for that stuff so I didn't feel all uncomfortable and didn't freak out when my school decided to play the videos about changes in your body and this was at the end of the school year.

I am sure your daughter will eventually grow out of this and then decide she wants to grow up because she will see she won't have rights as a child. When I was 12 I was always accused of being disrespectful because "that was no way to talk to grown ups" and it was because I was the kid and they were the adults. So I decided if I was a grown up, I wouldn't be accused of being disrespectful and I'd be allowed to speak my mind. I then though "gosh no wonder kids are in such a rush to grow up, they want rights." Then I decided I was ready to grow up.

I can't help any. I was completely different to the point of being problematic on such concerns, so probably the opposite of your daughter.

But in 6th grade I felt ready for that stuff so I didn't feel all uncomfortable and didn't freak out when my school decided to play the videos about changes in your body and this was at the end of the school year.

Thanks for your response - I feel a little more positive now.
Just have to take it one day at a time

She also has a twin brother with AS - will eventually have all the puberty thing to look forward too with him at some stage - But that will probably be a different post for a different time ':roll:'

Maybe if you explain to her that breasts are a normal part of females growing up, and she will be better accepted as an adult, she will relax. And the periods will level out to about once a month. She doesn't NEED to have a baby, and I don't know why she would really dislike anything else. Granted I am male, but I have tried to understand it all.

well, i hate bras, periods, and most things considered "girly" like shaving, makeup, doing your hair, shoes, fashion, etc. so i cant fault her too much.

have you tried to introduce her to some non-feminine female role models? just an idea, but she could be reacting to the way she thinks she is suppose to be when she "grows up", ie hits puberty.

this may be an out there thought, but could this be a gender identity issue at all? those are pretty strongly negative reactions, and it may simply be AS blowing her reaction out of proportion, but it could be something more serious as well.

maybe try laying off the social stories and books, and let her lead the way in telling you what its like to grow into a woman, see what she thinks its about. you could also try to get her to write her own social story about growing up.

Periods are not a fun time for the tactile-hypersensitive. The most scratchy material you'll ever wear, rubbing and brushing and chafing, slowly getting soaked in sticky, viscous, smelly blood, right up against one of the most sensitive parts of your body. I suggest Seventh Generation ultra-thin with wings. And honestly? I don't even recommend bothering with maxi pads or nighttime pads (...nighttime pads for heavy flow are of course right out). But try different things. Glad Rags feel a lot less awful in many ways, but I have trouble positioning them. Pantiliners can be layered and overlapped to be as thick or as thin as necessary and cover wherever you need. (Whatever area takes the brunt of the flow should have the top pantiliner; one or more others can stick out from beneath it.) Baby powder may help if you can remember to apply it.

Also, before I started my period, I thought it was going to be a far bigger deal than it is. (It's not clear from your post whether she's started hers or not. Or rather I can't ascertain it.) Before you start, you think about it and... I dunno. The thought of hemorrhaging for a week every month, with accompanying pain and depression, seems really awful. (For me it didn't end up being a week, and the emotional rollercoaster has ups as well as downs.) Once you start, you realize how much of a non-issue it is (if you're dealing with it well). You can still walk around, do stuff, etc. There's generally not a whole week of feeling absolutely awful and angry constantly; you can still have fun. One thing I've learned is that periods are a good time to be nice to yourself. If you weren't going to do something fun, for whatever reason, your period is a good time to just do it anyway, or to blow off something not particularly urgent (so long as no one's depending on you).

Breasts take a lot of getting used to. Bras don't feel very good. Actually, they feel truly awful at first. Experiment with different styles (I like soft shelf bras, sometimes called sports bras but really too loose to be effective for that). The funny thing is after wearing them for a really long time (several months or a year or two) they don't feel so bad. Once the sensations are familiar, they're not as unnerving. Perfectly comfortable for wearing sometimes. There's no need to always wear them if you're not going anywhere (I usually do, though; I just make it part of my routine to put on a bra whenever I change out of my pajamas and into daytime clothes), they're more for looking socially acceptable or for doing sports. Camisoles with built-in shelf bras may be better or worse than normal bras; they're worth a try, maybe.

It's okay, though. Even if your body is very womanly, it doesn't mean you have to have children, or get married, or do feminine things.

You won't get pregnant without having sex. There's no need to have sex. Therefore, there is no need to get pregnant. So no real need to bother worrying about it.

Never even thought about the tactile issues ':oops:' - makes a lot of sense though. She started her periods in October, I think she is slowly adjusting to them. She is not very happy but I let her pick all the hygiene stuff she likes when we got shopping. We have a calendar to mark the days off so it doesn't creep up on her and frighten her, she knows when its due. She has spares hidden in school bag just in case so we are well prepared.

The school has been doing a growth and development module and its all about what teenage boys and girls like and how their bodies change - eeek! I asked them to send the course work home and got it yesterday, I can see why she freaked out - diagrams and scary words like scrotum. The school has agreed we can do this module at home and one to one with her teaching assistant during school, hopefully it will lessen her embarrassment. Still doesn't like to discuss it much so I'll try to keep it light. Boys and bras are not happy discussions but I think she is dealing with an awful lot right now so we'll work on those topics a little at a time.

Thank you so much for all the advice

Just out of curiosity, what is so scary about the word scrotum? And SHE doesn't even have one, so why should she care?

BTW from what I have heard, many girls can get periods at odd times, so hopefully she knows it COULD sneak up on her.

Still, I have to wonder why scrotum is scary. Is Fallopian Tube as scary? she DOES have those.

When I was REALLY young, I had a book that discussed sexual differences, etc... The diagram of the female sex organs, etc... almost looked like a monster. Maybe THAT was scary, with the fallopian tubes, ovaries, uterus. Off course, it all depends on how you look at it.

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Scary because I know she will become frightened and upset, so its scary for me as I don't want her to feel either of these things.

I would ask if she can be excused from those lessons at school. Didn't look where you are, but here they MUST excuse kids with no impact on grades from "family life" subjects at school if the parents request it. If religion and value differences are valid reasons to mandate such an option, so are processing differences. Your daughter can learn these topics sensitively from you.

FRIGHTENED? I mean it is basically a thin layer of muscle and skin that covers the testicles on MALES to keep the temperature constant. It could look like a bowl, or a walnut. So I don't see why anyone would fear the name, appearance, purpose, or use of it. And with girls it is just informational anyway.

One of my sons (almost 11 with AS) has the same, reaction when any girl parts are discussed. He finds them very scary, because they are completely alien and mysterious to him, but he is aware of the expectation of a man having a girlfriend or wife when they grow up. So he is intimidated and confused and really grossed out, and acts out in precisely the same ways that the OP described with her daughter.

When we finally figured out what was at the root of his alarm (that he may someday have to have sex), we were able to reassure him that sex is a choice and he never has to have it if he doesn't want to. I am wondering if it could be similar for your daughter?

To Annotated_Alice
Precisely that.
I have begun explaining that all these grown-up things (periods the exception) are a matter of choice.

I remember I was really upset when I started hitting puberty. It was definitely not a fun time in my life and I was desperately wanting to just remain a child for the rest of my life. I'd always thought I was different from the rest of the girls. So, of course, when I started getting periods and other nasty stuff, it was like some cruel joke. And then I started getting the "flu" every month and I was none too pleased. I'm still not all that happy about it, but I've come to terms with the reality.

For your daughter, I think it might stem from a few issues...

One, she might be afraid of growing up. She may see some problems with becoming an adult. Increased responsibility, less time to do what she wants, etc.

Two, she might not relate to other women very well or consider herself to be closer to a boy... or possibly "genderless". This would probably be the more serious issue. Is she a tomboy? How does she relate to other girls or boys in her class? I know there are some children that get extreme gender dysphoria. In other words, a gender identity disorder. You'll need to talk to her about this and rule this out as a possibility.

Three, she is afraid of change. She might be scared that everything will be different now. Maybe she has started seeing changes in her classmates and is afraid of the changes that are to come. Perhaps people are starting to look or interact with her differently and maybe she is picking up on some of it.

Four, she might be afraid of what it means to be a woman. Possibly related two number two, but she may feel as if becoming a woman means she has to say goodbye to her freedom, start dressing in a certain way, etc... and she may be feeling pressure that says that one day she'll have to have sex, get married, and have kids. This may be the last thing she wants. She may just want to remain young and carefree and is upset that her body won't allow her to do that.

As others have said, you may want to look into the sensory issues, but I don't know if that would play a huge role. You say she's already started her period, so that seems to be okay. I don't know. Regardless, just be patient with her for a bit. Whatever it is will probably calm down after some time. I hope so, anyhow.

Best of luck.