I have a problem - need opinions.

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My AS daughter was physically assaulted (punched) by a classmate this past weekend at a school function. The kid who did this has been harassing her and this has been escalating. I have already notified the school and have taken legal steps, so that isn't really what I am wanting to know from you all.

The school she is going to she a new school. She does not want to be here. She could have gone to her regular school, but open enrollment was denied (even though we are supposed to be moving back - I am starting to change my mind). She sticks out like a sore thumb at this place. Not just her attitude, but her appearance. She has frizzy hair, wears tee shirts (some with holes and some with stains (if they get by me)), and jeans. The other teens have more of a "look" to them. It was obvious last week that she was targeted by a group of girls. She told me, I had her tell her guidance counselor, and a stop was put to that right away. There is so much more going on, and the incident this weekend is seriously making me want to just pull her out and home school her. This is where the problem comes in.

I will be moving. If I move back into the normal school district, then there is no worries. The school understands and for the most part, accepts her. If I move into a different district, she will stick out again.

She does not want me to do what I want to do right now. As parents and teenagers, what are your thoughts on this? I want to make her style her hair (this is the biggest fight - her hair styles are unique, and often get her "looks"). I want to make her dress in some kind of a style (she can choose the style, and she can still wear jeans and tees, but not every day - this is the second point of contention between us). I want to tell her how she will act in front of people if she likes it or not (We are actually working on social skills in counseling). Basically, I want to make it so that appearance wise, she does not stand out as much. I know that her attitude will show, but at least it is one less thing. I am not going to make her wear make-up. I don't see the need for it at school. I know she is going to fight me if I tell her how to do her hair (basically straighten it and avoid certain "anime" styles she does. Clothing I might be able to get away with, but not often. I should also mention that she does not know how to shave her legs. She tries, but misses... a lot. I have to shave them for her. As a consequence, she is usually pretty hairy. When (or if) she wears shorts or a sleeveless shirt, this is noticeable.

If I were to make her do these things to protect her, do you think it would be carrying things too far? I try to let her do her own thing, but I do not want her targeted again.

Really difficult situation.

My own take would be that you can try to explain changes which you think might help her to avoid being 'targetted' - and explain why they might help. But I think you have to leave the decision as to whether or not to make those changes to her. In my case I remember my own daughter going through a similar stage. I desperately wanted to 'make her do things' because I knew they would help. But I managed to resist the urge to 'make her'. Eventually she did most of these things of her own accord. But it was in her own time, and her own decision.

Your question: "If I make her do these things will I be going too far?"
My opinion: YES. You are trying to make your daughter be someone she is not. She will "stick out" no matter what you do to her appearance because she is not neurotypical and no matter what you do, or make her do, to her exterior she will still be the same person underneath. You will make her feel bad about herself by doing this, and the message she will get is "Mom does not accept me as who I am." My suggestion: find a school environment where she can be herself and the school supports and protects her. Then she can concentrate on learning and not on pretending to be something she is not.

In all honesty - this is a much better answer than mine.

I understand what you are saying, but she was just attacked and hurt. If there is a way to protect her from being hurt again, shouldn't I try it? It isn't like I am telling her that she has to actually change a style or do something drastic, but actually do something to it instead of brushing it and letting it fly all over the place. I want it to look like she takes care of herself. Even she noticed that when she came to live with me last year, she looked much worse than she does now. I have helped her learn how to take care of herself, and how to have proper hygiene. By making her actually style her hair, I would actually be accelerating the process of something that has been happening naturally over the past year. I also know how she is. If the change isn't slow, she will resist. If I *make* her do this, it will be a sudden change and she will resist. I am pretty sure I am pulling her from this school. I do not want her physically injured because she looks different.

Oh, I forgot to add that I am looking for a school that she will be accepted. I will not let this happen to her. Also, as I tell my kids, I am not unreasonable. If I tell them to do something, and they are completely against it, they can give me their reasons why. If they are good reasons, I may actually change my mind.

You can "force" basic hygiene but not style. If she understands that you believe her style gets her targeted, but wants to stay with it anyway, that is her choice. I know it is hard to watch her get hurt but (a) you are not likely to solve the problem by forcing her to look different and (b) you will create new issues.

You know this is in your heart, I know you do, you are just desperate to find a way to protect her in a situation where you have precious few tools.

That sounds pretty reasonable, in fact, it sounds positive and constructive. And I'm sure you know when to push and when to back off.

Of course, this group of girls could have attacked her if she was the most middle American person in the world just because she was new and thus potentially competition. I recommend Tight, defensive boxing to a draw. One week. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt134616.html
I think this is even good for international relations. You are not trying to humiliate someone, esp someone you're likely to see again.
You don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head, because all that stuff about post-concussion syndrome and even repeated lesser blows is largely true. And if the instructor doesn't understand at this point, get another instructor. And just like football helmets don't really protect, presumably neither does boxing headgear. Mainly just a couple of individual lessons and then practicing on your own.

I don't want to oversell this. Will only work against someone approximately your daughter's own size. And girls can be even meaner than boys, although boys can be pretty mean, too.

Basically, hoping for a baseline of confidence and then in paradoxical zenlike fashion, a physical altercation will be less likely to happen.

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. I'm a person who has lived the life of someone on the spectrum, and I guess a pretty good guy. Good luck with what is obviously a difficult situation.

Yes, you "could" make her style her hair & dress better so that she could better "fit in". But you could do all those things and there's a very good possibility she still won't "fit in". I tried making myself a carbon-copy of the more popular girls for awhile, trust me, it really didn't go over any better. I could dress and look like them, but playing the part was a different story.

Besides, think about it for a second, she is unable at this time to find acceptance at school for being who she is, and then you forcibly try to mold her into what you feel would be a "more acceptable form. What message is this sending her?

I know you don't want this to happen again, neither would I if it was my child. I would probably consider a change of schools or home schooling, and maybe enroll her in a good self-defense course (something I think anyone could benefit from, regardless of the situation).

Good luck

My mother did this to me (not exactly for the same reasons; she is probably autistic herself and she wanted me to dress "right.") I have never forgiven her. First of all, this is one of the ways she erases who I am...second of all, she was unable to style me in a way that helped me to fit in, so I not only felt untrue to myself, but still stood out.

I tried through middle and high school to dress the way the other girls did, and to get my hair to do what theirs did (which shouldn't have been difficult, there was a school uniform) but even with the tiny amount of personalization allowed with uniforms, I failed. I still fail: I can look professional, I can look practical, I can look neat and clean but I am absolutely and completely unable to look "cute." I have learned that I don't care about "cute" and have been able to find a husband and get jobs without lipstick or makeup or the right shoes or purse. I now feel blessed by that knowledge.

You might try explaining to your daughter that she dresses differently than the other girls, and that this may be ONE factor in her social experience at school. Ask her if she wants to see if a new look (make sure she understands it will require maintenance) will help her at school. Explain that you're hoping a new look will not change who she is, but might work like social camouflage (compare her to a chameleon or other creature that hides in plain sight.) If she says she doesn't want to, respect her wishes.

I recently read an article that suggested that obese kids are bullied exponentially more than their thinner peers - there is a push to get kids to lose weight so they "won't be bullied." The problem with this thinking is that bullying is not really about the victim's body type, neurotype, hairstyle, or skin color: it's about exploiting another person in order to strengthen your own position.

You can't dress your way out of that.

I can only echo the answers already given. You can push her to meet basic hygiene standards, and you can give her honest information about what messages her appearance may give to others and/or how it may cause her to be targeted, but you can't force her towards a certain style. That's just taking away too much autonomy, and the last thing she needs right now is to feel even more powerless.

One of my sons wears his pants really, really high on his body, and has other odd things he does with his clothes that make him look awkward. He also seems to have little ability to sense when his face may be dirty, so often goes around with smears of jam after lunchtime or pencil or marker on his face. I buy him stylish clothes, and try to keep an eye on what the other boys are wearing and how they have their hair cut to keep him looking current, but it doesn't really matter. He will still tug his pants way up, wear his shirts half in & half out and look "odd" in a dozen other ways. He simply couldn't fit in appearance-wise no matter how hard he tried, and that's OK. So we just don't make it an issue, even though I have wondered and felt exactly how the OP is feeling at times. You just want to protect them so badly, but pushing them to look "normal" is a bad plan for a wide variety of reasons, and it won't work anyway.

Note: my other son wears his clothes in a more "normal" fashion, and doesn't tend to stand out at all appearance-wise (even though they are identical twins and often wear almost exactly the same thing), but he has behaviour that will out his "otherness" pretty quick even if his clothes look super cool.

I know I am using words like "make" and "force" but when it comes down to it, I will not do that. It is just that after this weekend, I am afraid for her. I am seeking a protection order for her against the young man who hit her. If it had been a simple punch to the arm, I would not (she was with a group of guys who did things like that with her all the time last year - she said this was different). His treatment of her has been escalating. Honestly, this was not because of appearance or her behavior. This i because of a stupid reason. She is from a rival school, and he does not like her because of it. Then she said something to those girls, and he shouted some profanity at her related to what she had said to the girls after school that day.

The situation is very complex. The girls that targeted her may have done so because she looked different. I was targeted the exact same was as a kid (and lived in hell for it for a year and a half) and if I had been forced to look nice, I do not believe I would have been the one targeted. When they got tired of me, they moved on to the girl who looked worse than me. I do realize that if she is going to be called out for being different, appearances will not matter, but I was thinking that maybe it would hold things off for a little bit until she makes a few friends, at least. She was literally thrown into this school against her will (and mine) and has faced adversity every day she has gone (even and especially from the band director).

If I do place her in a new school, I do not want her to be in the same situation. I am terrified for her. She had such a bad time living with her father. I have been working with her for almost a year to help her accept who she is and to feel good about herself. She has not been allowed to act like a kid until recently, and I don't want this taken from her. I am trying to be a good parent.

As I said, I know the words I am using, but I am saying them because I am frightened for her. If I was just going to make her do "whatever" I would not be on her asking about it. I am trying to say that the way he have been going, she will be styling her hair within probably the next 6 months. I just want to accelerate the process. I am very good at talking to her and letting her know that I love who she is and I am not trying to change HER as her individuality. I allow her to express herself in ways that many parents do not. I don't want to sound like I am trying to control exactly how she looks... just her hair, and to get her some new outfits (that she chooses from a selection (even if it is from Hot Topic, which seems to be where she is gravitating, although she is not showing signs of wanting to be goth). She has made it clear to me that she does not want to wear make up (because of the hassle of taking it off), and I respect that, although we have come to a compromise that on days when we are doing nothing, I will show her how to put on different types of make up and the situations that may be called to use them in. I have already explained that it isn't necessarily used to make you more feminine (she is against that, although she does like to wear dresses sometimes), but it does accentuate your facial features giving you a more "sculptured" appearance.

I am just really worried for her.

New question. She used to straighten her hair and liked it. She is now refusing to. When she straightened it, it looked so much better. She has curly hair, so if she just brushes it, it is really frizzy. I can show her how to style curly hair (She lived with her dad for 6 years and he never showed her how), she can straighten it or she can leave it how it is. What if I asked her *why* she stopped straightening her hair, and if it was a reason like not enough time and then to make time in her schedule for it? I mean, if it is not that she is trying to express herself, but that she just doesn't have time. Is making her do it have the same effect, do you think?

For me, every time I go to the hair salon, I get a lecture about "products" and "styling" and what kinds of equipment to use and buy. I patiently explain that I wash and comb my hair, and that's it. I consider anything else a waste of time. I don't know that I can explain this to anyone, but I not only find "styling" to be a struggle with sensory and motor issues, but an exercise in NT stupidity (for lack of a more polite way to describe it, sorry - not meaning to be offensive.)

I understand that making an effort with "styling" would go further towards being "cute" but it isn't a priority for me. Besides, I've found that on the occasions when I try to use products and equipment, I invariably wind up sitting on my bed in tears, because I just can't get my hair to do stuff the way I want. I've found that a really good haircut that allows my hair to fall naturally into place is critical.

Have you considered a short hairstyle for your daughter that won't require "styling?" Perhaps just slicking it back into a ponytail or bun?

I'm sure everyone on this thread gets that your only concern is for your daughter and to protect her. Talking to her is never going to be a bad idea - if she wants to talk about a different hair style - then great go for it. But be prepared to have any suggestions rebuffed. If they are I would let them go. Because even the slightest pressure (however well-intended) may do more harm than good.

About curly hair:

Yes, not having enough time is possibly the reason why she doesn't straighten her hair. Many girls on the spectrum just don't see the point in spending a lot of time on our appearance. Sometimes even the basics of hair care can be too overwhelming for us, let alone "extras" such as hair straightening.

It is possible to have one's hair chemically straightened, which means it will be permanently straight (at least for a while) without having to do anything. You might propose this option to her, although as a warning it can be unpleasant, particularly if she has sensory sensitivities.

Another option would be for a shorter hairstyle, which is easier to take care of and requires less time. You might ask her if she wants to do either of these things.

Also, you mentioned "brushing" her hair. Does she know that curly hair generally looks better if one only uses a brush when the hair is wet, using a comb only when its dry? I'm in my mid-20s and I just found this out recently! It has helped prevent frizz to some extent.

Hope this is useful. I really wouldn't force her into any of these things, but rather pose them as options. You might point out the practical benefits of these styles, such as being easier to care for.