"It's ruined!"

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Yesterday, after hearing Eldest ooh and aah about some videos he'd seen on Youtube, I decided to let him give Minecraft a try.

For those unfamiliar, the version that he was playing is essentially virtual Lego on a big landscape -- you can build houses, castles, secret underground lairs, and so forth. Eldest is having a lot of frustration issues right now, and since this is a game with no threats and no defined goals, I thought that he could have fun playing around.

And he did! An elaborate secret base was built, and a treehouse, and he made me build a few things as well. And then he made me get up and let him play again; it's that kind of game.

We couldn't save anything, at least not until we got the full version this weekend. I told him this, and he was fine with it.

First hint of trouble came last night, when Eldest tried making a moat. For some reason, the way that water flowing in upset him, and he wanted me to "fix" it somehow by getting rid of the lake that he'd made.

And then he couldn't settle down to sleep. Partially it was worrying about the lake, partially -- I feel sure -- something that I've experienced myself after marathon game-playing, particularly with Civilization. Every time you close your eyes, you find your brain trying to play the game, you know?

But sleep he did, eventually.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, Eldest picked up where he'd left off. He found that sponges could soak up water, and he seemed pretty happy to be noodling about. And then? Complete breakdown. Not frustration (we see a lot of that, with full on tantrums, these days) but weeping with genuine despair. He could explain why, but he just didn't like the sponges, or the water, and now he HAD to delete everything and start over, but he didn't WANT to do that and lose everything that we'd built together, and....

Incoherent wailing, as little brother patted Eldest on the back and told him to "Be happy!"

I sat down with him, and told him that it was okay, that we could always build something else together, and it would be even BETTER because now we knew what were doing, and it was just like his Lego stuff -- nothing lasts (thanks largely to the aforementioned little brother) but rebuilding is part of the fun, and so forth and so on....

By the time I had to leave, the crying had stopped, bar occasional snuffles. "You made me feel better," he told me, which was a relief, but he didn't want to play again until we could do it together and save what we made.

But now I'm really wondering, considering the extreme nature of his reaction, if that would really be a good idea. He get upset when stuff that he builds gets destroyed, but it's generally (and justifiably) anger and frustration. Not this kind of complete emotional breakdown.

What do think was going on here? And how should I respond?

It's funny - we have this with every single Lego set we've ever purchased. I think you handled it tremendously well - I try to sit and talk with DS, but since it usually then erupts into violence, so I usually leave his room, leaving him weeping into his broken legos (it is sounds funny when I write it, but it is such a heartrending picture of despair.) He usually calms down enough in 15 minutes or so to start asking for what he needs: a break, a hug, help (we don't help him unless he gives us specific direction; otherwise he just lets us do it and then berates himself for being useless.)

I think Legos, etc. are a good way for kids on the spectrum to learn about overcoming adversity: it's very small, very controlled, and you can take breaks and come back to it without losing ground. I think that even though this is a painful lesson, it's a good one - much easier to deal with than homework that won't go right, or a pet that needs help, or a job project that falls apart. Obviously, if the game itself becomes a source of stress, it isn't worth it, but if he can learn to manage the small variables in outcome in the game, maybe he can generalize that learning later.

Sounds like a great tool to help teach your son about identifying when he is starting to get frustrated and taking breaks to manage his emotions. Are they using the Alert program at school, where they talk about being in the blue, green, yellow, or red zones (roughly corresponding to lethargic, just right, upset, and meltdown)?

Here's what I'd try:
Before you play next time, talk to him about how this game can be frustrating, and move him from green to yellow to red. Tell him that when you see signs that he is moving into yellow, you're going to take a break together and do something you know is calming for him, until he gets back to green. If he goes into red, the game goes away for the rest of the day. I'm sure this will take many many tries for him to master, and a therapist would have lots of tips on how to really make it work...

I like the feedback from the others, and will just point out this one thing that I've noticed with both my kids (one AS, and one not), and suspect from your description: that sort of thing can be a control issue. And, as with most control issues, they get stronger when the child is experiencing general stress, than when the child is handling most things in life fairly well. So, for example, if a noise sensitive child is playing a game like that when the TV is blaring, he won't be able to handle the disappointments in the game, or the unexpected things that don't go as he wants them to or predicts they will. You can use how the child handles the unexpected, the things out of his control, as a meter for how he is feeling overall.

Which is one of the many reasons why, btw, I am not a fan of using computer games for self-calming. I know some AS kids have latched onto that, but it comes with it's own stress factors, and I don't think it is the best idea. Much better for the child to latch onto a simple physical behavior, like pacing or swinging, for self-calming. And when you see these situations looming in a game, get him to take a break and do some self-calming movement.

i am a gamer geek myself, as are all 3 of my kids who also play minecraft. i NEVER play test servers where there are character wipes or server rollbacks, because i absolutely hate putting effort into something and then having it erased. the difference between video games and legos is that when your lego structure is destroyed, you still have physical parts left that you can see. with a video game, you have NOTHING. it is complete and utter annihilation of what you worked so hard on. and yes, it can cause despair even in a fully grown nt =)

the solution is to get the full version of the game, and teach him to save his progress. he WILL lose progress in the future, either by the game or computer freezing up, power outages, or little brother... but you can teach him how to mitigate his losses the best he can. it can be a good teaching tool.

We did get the full version. I've...um...been playing it more than he has.

In the spirit of scientific inquiry, mind! I'm not obsessed or anything, and I haven't been spending far too much time trying to find a good vein of iron ore. Much.

His big thing right now is to recreate a giant version of an Angry Birds pig, as he saw in a YouTube video. This requires building up supplies and infrastructure, though, and I'm honestly not sure how to do that yet. The new update might make things easier; it's due in the next day or three, I believe.

He's really creeped out by the monsters, though. It's on peaceful mode, so monsters cannot and will not spawn, but he's still nervous.

In any case, his starting 2nd grade has knocked everything else aside. In a good way; his new teacher seems great, and he's happy to see his friends again. Given a few days, I'm sure that Minecraft will rise to the fore again.

I don't really have any new advice here, just wanted to say I can commiserate. My sons also get very frustrated and upset when things get ruined -games, Lego creations, drawings, you name it. I think you handled it well.

We have also recently begun playing Minecraft (LOVE IT!), and although we do save our progress, my sons have still experienced BIG frustration & upset when they die and lose all their inventory (falling into lava!). You may want to warn him that this can happen, and have him immediately transfer anything precious (i.e. diamonds) into a chest for safe keeping.

And I agree with Azurecrayon that gaming can be a great teaching tool for frustration management, building towards an achievement and many other things. I have been really proud to see the organization and tenacity with which my sons have approached some in game goals!

We have the same problem. Thanks DW for suggesting pacing or swinging for self calming. My son has always rejected these but maybe it's time to revisit the issue. We have an extremely intense day on Fridays. He plays Age of Empires with his sister. Last Friday was a disaster. He came up screaming bloody murder b/c he got annihilated. I can refer to this when I tell him he has to choose something else to do to de-stress when we arrive home. We need a new strategy by tomorrow. Thanks for reminding me.

I would let him to continue to play the game. He obviously likes it a lot and it's important for him to be exposed to situations where things just aren't going to go his way so he can learn how to handle them emotionally and figure out ways to overcome them. I think Minecraft is a safer environment to do this than real life to be perfectly honest.

It's better he confronts these emotions in the long run.