Need help striking a balance

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Just a warning- this will be long, so feel free to skip it.

Basically I’m just looking for some input from adults on the spectrum on how much they wish their parents had pushed them/left them alone as far as interacting with others and diversifying interests. I’m not sure if I’m on the right track with my son, and I’m having trouble figuring out where I should strike this balance. I don’t know what will serve him best in the long run, and it’s causing me quite a bit of anxiety and self-doubt.

My son is almost 6 and has high-functioning autism and hyperlexia. After growing more and more confused and exasperated with the challenges we were facing with his behavior and his difficulty with social interactions, we had him evaluated by the school district shortly after he turned 4. Then we put him in an integrated public preschool program 2 days a week for about 2 ½ hours. After an initial period of adjustment, he ended up really liking it. He did need at least a couple hours after school to decompress and relax, with no one asking him questions or expecting anything of him.

We had always been open to the idea of homeschooling, but we thought he might do well in regular kindergarten, since he liked his preschool so much. Last spring my husband and I looked at the classroom they wanted to place him in, a classroom for kids who were on track academically but had significant behavioral challenges. It was full days, 5 days a week, a K-2 class with about 12 kids. There was a teacher and 4 paras. The paras were constantly picking at the kids, making them sit up straight, put their feet on the floor, answer questions. It was obvious that the main goal of the class was to get these kids trained into acceptable behavior and minimal disruption as quickly as possible so they could be mainstreamed into a regular class. Which makes a lot of sense given the goals and constraints of the public education system. The problem was, their goals didn’t quite match our goals for our son. The academics were also WAY below the level he’s at, and I’m sure he would have been extremely bored.

We realized that our son would be miserable in this class, where he would be expected to behave “appropriately” and interact with others all day every day with very few breaks and little to interest him. And being on the playground and cafeteria for 10 minutes was enough to make me want to run screaming. His preschool teacher suggested anxiety medication to help him survive in school, but we didn’t think it was a good idea to medicate him so he could handle an environment we didn’t think would be very good for him in the first place. The only other placement option was a functional classroom that focused on basic self-care skills, which really wasn’t appropriate for him.

We ended up deciding to homeschool, and we enrolled him in a kind of community college-type program for kids who homeschool. They have a catalogue of classes for different age ranges and you can choose which classes you want to take. I thought this would be perfect for him, as he would have a chance to learn about things that interest him and interact with other kids, but the social and behavioral expectations that are so draining for him would be limited to a few hours per week. Also, parents are invited to participate and actually encouraged to spend time on campus, so I can be there to support him when he needs it.

Academically, I am not worried about my son at this point. He has been reading and writing fluently since he was 3 and he can easily add and subtract 2- and 3-digit numbers in his head. We are not working from a curriculum at this point. He learns about all kinds of things just by reading about them and finding websites and youtube videos. But I am beginning to be concerned about the amount of time he spends in front of screens.

If I let him, my son would spend every waking hour either playing Wii, playing iphone/itouch games, or watching youtube videos about said games. Sometimes, if I think he needs a day to relax and decompress, I will let him do this. But obviously, I don’t think it’s best for him to do this as much as he wants. I do not think that severely limiting screen time would be good for him. It seems to be a really good way for him to relax, and he does end up learning a lot. I don’t want to make strict rules about when he can and can’t use the computer/itouch/Wii, because it would invite power struggles and the “forbidden fruit” syndrome. We would also lose the flexibility of letting him play if a work emergency comes up (we both work from home) or in other extenuating circumstances.

What I want is to be able to introduce things that are more interesting than Wii games/youtube so that he will want to do something else instead. Unfortunately, this isn’t working out as well as I thought it would. Last Tuesday, we had been at his new “school” for about half an hour (we had 2 hour-long classes with a 15-minute break between) when he started insisting that he wanted to go home and play Wii Sports Resort. As soon as he had to pay attention and follow directions (even with my support), it seemed like this was too hard and he wanted to return to what was easy and comfortable.

I don’t want to force him to take classes he doesn’t want to take just because I think they would be good for him, but at the same time, I need to help him learn to function in this world and connect with the people around him. I think it’s a good idea for him to learn to listen and follow directions, especially if it will lead to him having fun. On Tuesday he missed a really interesting lesson about mixing colors, which I’m sure he really would have liked if he had been able to make it to that point. But tracing and cutting a rectangle out of a piece of cardboard was just too much for him (not the actual activity, but paying attention long enough to figure out what he was supposed to do).

So I guess here are my questions: What is too much screen time, from the perspective of an autistic person? When does interest in a game go from being a valuable way to relax and something reassuring (predictable with rules that don’t change or have exceptions) to a way to withdraw and avoid engaging with the world? How much do I push him to get out and take a walk/go to the park/ take classes (that he picks out) and continue in these classes, even if he finds them difficult? Do I indulge/encourage his restrictive interests (which often lead to his learning a lot) until they evolve and change, trusting that they will evolve and change, or encourage him to do other things instead?

I really want to respect my son's individuality and consider his unique needs when making parenting decisions, but sometimes I just feel like I'm taking shots in the dark, and if I do things wrong, he will suffer in the long run. Thoughts?

Hi -

I have no advice. I Just wanted to say that I could have written the same post, all the way to the homeschooling and you tube. The only difference is my son is 11 1/2 and he has graduated from wii to xbox - playstation.

I will look forward to reading the feedback you get.

I am not sure if I am getting the correct read on the situation, but what exactly is the hesitancy with limiting the gaming? I think that children, autistic or not, should have specific limits on much time they spend watching TV or playing computer games per day. Computer games are very addictive, and I can say that autistic children do not need to play them anymore than NT children. If an NT child looks like he is becoming addicted to computer games, then the parents should step in to set limits. Autistic children should be treated the same in this situation. Schoolwork should come first. Special interests, whether doorknobs, science, or the Staples catalogue, should be encouraged, but not at the expense of schoolwork, which comes first. Computer games can be a reward for completed schoolwork, which came first. Limiting their gaming does not mean that you are limiting their individuality or forcing them to become more NT. You are teaching them to become more responsible.

In terms of special interests, the balance should not be special interests > schoolwork, but special interests > socialization is fine.

Your DS might get better socialization experience from a social skills/social communication class run by a speech therapist. My DS has really benefitted from being in one, and they do a good job of matching kids who are at similar level of communication and intelligence. A class based on the Michelle Garcia Winner or similar curriculum, preferrably with an experiential focus, is what I'd look for.

I'm not an autistic adult, but I've been on this board a long time, and reading your post I would say this: I trust your judgement. I think you are showing good instincts and understanding of your child, and a willingness to do what it takes to help him succeed.

On the classes you have signed him up for, it is a life skill to learn to sit through a few things that aren't your first choice for that time and day and, so, a few hours a day or week isn't that much to ask him for. Carefully explain to him that one of the things he is practicing is how to go to and behave in a class, because someday sometime there will be something he is eager to learn that will require this skill from him. If he is anything at like my son, he'll find a million ways to talk around that concept, and explain how he'll get away without that skill, at which point you tell him that while you appreciate his position, you've lived life long enough to believe that he needs the skill, you believe he is capable of practicing it effectively, and the decision is final : he's going. Check carefully for sensory and other issues to be comfortable the environment isn't stressful for him, and if you need to swap out for a different or shorter class, fine, but not every minute of every day has to be rosey. Real life isn't that way, and allowing him to slowly and gently learn and acclimate to the concept will benefit him in the long run.

Do note that I think my son finds it much easier to do that sort of thing if it is something he does every day, part of his routine, so consider if the schedule is working for him, etc.

It is also a life skill to learn how to put your hobbies and entertainments into their proper boxes. My AS son is actually excellent at it; it is my NT daughter that I have to set limits for. Experiment with explaining to your son why he shouldn't spend so much time in front of a screen, and maybe even agree on a turn off the screens week experiment (our elementary school promoted that for one week every year, and my son was eager to get with the program, even though he loved his TV at the time. At the end of a week he told us his life was better without TV and he never went back). Anyway, point being, see if your son is able to self-regulate when given some logic for it, and some incentive. If he is, you're home free in my book. If he isn't, then the screens are in danger of controlling him, instead of him controlling them, and you will want to devise a system for keeping it under control.

Long run, special interests will probably make his career, but he can't live on them alone, so you'll want him to be able to enjoy other things, too. I think you can see in kids when too much is too much: they get less happy. It took me a while to realize that, that there are observable patterns in my kids when I give in to their stated wishes too much, but there are. So keep an eye open for that, and adjust when the signs tell you to.

I think it is a shame your school district provided such poor options for kindergarten, but that happens often. We have been extremely lucky with our school district, and I think my AS son (now 14 and a freshman in high school) has thrived. You will have many rough years ahead of you, and you will readjust the balance often as your child matures, but when you have the balance right, you know it. Your kids should be pushing at the edges a bit with what you ask of them (if they never do, they can't grow), but not developing anxiety or melting down.

So that is my touchy feely squishy no-answer advice, but I think you'll know what to do with it

Best of luck with your wonderful child!

I'm an NT mom, not what you are looking for, but I certainly understand your dilemma. It seems you are working from home while trying to homeschool your AS son. I'm sure you are a very capable person but just be aware that homeschooling an AS child can take all the life out of you, even if you have no other committments, and even if they learn tons independently.

I learned from WrongPlanet that many parents allow/use computer games for their child to relax, so I started allowing that. But I also noticed a posting of one parent that said she does not allow this for relaxation b/c a computer game can cause more stress if they are losing the game. I noticed this one day. We have an intense homeschool class on Fridays. My son came home and played Age of Empires at a challenging level and got creamed. Total meltdown. Now we have rules about what he is allowed to play after classes on Friday.

Many As kids need strong routines and structure which includes flexibility for breaks to relax. You are smart to question the balance b/c he is not going to come up with balance on his own. On the contrary, he could fight anything you impose on him. I think pushing him for diverse interests and social interaction is very important. Getting that into the routine may be a step by step process for you both.

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I really like the idea of talking with him about why I think it's important to do the classes and have different interests. Because his expressive communication is pretty basic and he doesn't share a lot of sophisticated thoughts with us, I think sometimes my husband and I underestimate what he can understand. But every once in awhile he will say something that totally blows us away and makes us realize how bright he is and how much he is actually picking up on.

I would LOVE to get him into a social communication class. I think that would be awesome for him. I really think he needs to learn how to interact and play with other kids, and this is really hard for him when plunked down in a room full of NT kids whose games he doesn't understand. Unfortunately, we have barely enough money right now to make ends meet, let alone pay for private therapy. And the school district basically told us that we were on our own if we decided to homeschool, because the kind of intervention he needs can only be delivered in the context of an everyday classroom routine. They seemed kind of bitter, and I had pretty much written them off as being a source of support for us. I don't think they offer anything like this. He is on state insurance. Has anyone had any luck with medicare paying for therapy outside what the school district offers?

I am in the process of making daily and weekly schedule boards that we can put together every morning. That way he will have a predictable routine, but he will have some choice about what he can do. I think that if he sees a variety of options there, instead of having his head full of "Wii" or "computer," I might have more luck with him voluntarily choosing to do more things.