Aspergers and Sibling Hierarchy

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So I was just listening to The Colbert Report, and this guy is being interviewed - Jeffery Klugar - regarding his book called The Sibling Effect. In it, he talks about how important one's position in the sibling hierarchy is to developing identity and social skills. In theory, the oldest is supposed to teach the younger siblings what they learn about social skills. However, I'm the oldest and usually wound up learning social skills from my younger siblings due to having ADHD/AS. So I was just wondering about other people's experiences with how birth order might impact the social skills and identities of people with disabilities such as AS.

I'm the oldest and have been there for my two young brothers. I have always been there and always have been the one to teach them what they need to know.

J Bird is 14 years old with autism and is somewhere in the middle of low and high.

P Boy is 19 years old with aspergers and bipolar.

I'm the oldest too and my brothers are 23 (next month) and 21. They weren't effected by me and they still developed fine and normal. In fact my youngest brother looked up to his brother. But my 23 year old brother did talk early because he was always around when my mom be working with me to speak. So he picked up on the words and started to speak.


But I acted like a mother to them because I treated them how our mother treated us. I also acted like their boss until they both got to elementary school. Then they started to take charge and wouldn't let me push them around anymore. Then mom told me it was actually her job, not mine. I don't know why she let me mother my brothers before. Maybe because it made her job easier.

My Aspie is a twin and the oldest by 3 whole minutes. Having a twin and a close peer has always helped him. I think this is why it made it harder to diagnose him earlier. Although he was always advanced academically for his age, he was very immature socially. Having triplets later, only 2 3/4 years younger than him was very hard. Most of his sensory and social delays didn't start to be noticeable until he was 3 and it was difficult to know what was really a problem or a typical older child transitioning to not 1, but 3 new babies in the house.

Socially, it was harder as he definetly didn't teach the trio anything. If I needed an older sib to run and get Mommy a diaper or something like that, it had to be my NT son. My aspie son would leave to go get it and never return, so eventually, we never asked him for help and always his twin. In hindsight, this probably set the foundation for him to not be very nurturing to them.

Once the trips were toddlers, it usually felt like he was competing against them and it felt like having Quads in a social sense. Usually, if he was teaching them anything, it was how I didn't want them to act. Having triplets is always stressful, but as much as I love him to death, he made the situation even more difficult. Even now, if I have to run interference between sibs, it is usually between him and one of the triplets. There were years when I felt like all I did was stop and run to break up a fight with him and them over every little thing. I'm talking typical things most sibs fix, get over, and move on, but with him, it was always larger than life. He would "read their mind" and everything was intentional to him. I am exhausted remembering. The trio definetly got less as a result. I would be so tired from constant battle duty that I didn't have the energy to work with them on early learning like I did the older boys. I still feel guilty that they didn't start Kindy reading very good. Even now, in the second grade, they are just at grade level, they don't have the vocabulary or the high reading ability the older two did at this age. This is the first year I feel like I can play catch up with them.

While having so many sibs hasn't been ideal in many ways, I think it has been an overall blessing for my Aspie son. It has been both a pro and a con for his whole life to basically be a social training ground. He has peers to deal with at school and doesn't even get a break at home. While challenging for him and me, I think this is why my son seems so different than so many other Aspies. He is extremely social. We actually have to place limits on him because if it was up to him, he would join anything and everything, even activities he knows will sensory wise drive him up the wall. He hates to feel left out or like he is missing something. He wants to do it all.

We actually had no help. My DH did take 8 weeks off when we had the trio, but my Mom was still working then and my MIL was taking care of her Mother who had Alzheimers. We did go ahead and put the boys in preschool at 3 for two days a week that first year, but since that was when my son started having sensory issues, that caused more worry and concern than it ever helped me. Plus, back then I was determined to do everything with my kids I would have before the trio, so I still took all 5 to the zoo, the park, playdates, etc. Looking back, I wish I had had done it all with more grace and patience than I did.

Both your twins are Aspies Alice? Are they identical or fraternal?

Sometimes it is hard seeing my Aspie son having a NT, same sex twin. They are both super smart, but my NT son has the organization skills and focus for everyone to notice his abilites. He is also over the top well behaved. My Aspie is just as smart, but accolades don't rain upon him because his execution at school can be hit or miss, depending on the day. I use to worry about him having low self esteem and feeling compared to his brother, but oddly it never seems to enter his concious. He does leave his brother in the dust when it comes to creativity. Pretty funny when they say Aspies aren't imaginative.

Yes, both my boys are Aspies, and both also dxed with ADHD and GAD (the psych thought that the anxiety and inattention were severe enough to merit separate dx's beyond the ASD), and one with OCD too. They are identical.

It is so hard to watch one twin struggle in while the other excels. It's really only been in the last 6 months or so that one of our sons has pulled significantly ahead of his brother. E hit some sort of developmental milestone, where suddenly his sensory system seemed to really calm down across the board. Way less sound and touch sensitivity especially, allowing him to be able to cope with the other kids better. He was suddenly really interested in making and sustaining friendships. I'd actually say this was his "special interest" last year, and he has been self-motivated to work really hard on his social skills. This has translated into a small group of friends for the first time ever for him. With our other son, he has not experienced that shift to being less sensitive and remains wary and awkward, to the point of being sometimes hostile, around the other kids. He started grade 6 this year with zero friends (his "best friend" who had outgrown and was starting to ignore him moved away, and the other kids who used to try to be his friend have slowly but steadily dropped off). It is going to be very hard to see E going to birthday parties etc. while L does not.

And yes, piffle to the Aspies aren't creative thing. Both of my sons have always been incredibly imaginative!

Actually there was a study released recently that showed a statistical correlation between a shorter times between pregnancies and higher rates of autism in the subsequent sibilings. Don't know what that really means in the big picture. The study postulated a few possible causative factors but none of those were explored. Just thought I would throw this out there for any who are interested. If you do a Google search I am sure you can find it, I think I found it from a post on Facebook.

Huh. They're identical twins in the same family, and yet one still pulled ahead of the other developmentally? I wonder if there was an environmental difference. There's been some really great research recently on the effects of very small amounts of lead (as in, still well within the federally deemed safe level) on symptoms of disorders like AS. Really small things like simply remembering to take off your shoes when you enter the house can sometimes mitigate problems from that.

@Bombaloo

Oh wow, that sounds really interesting. What were some of the factors that they theorized as the causes?

@bombaloo

Wow, that is something. My uncle's a second-born with probably Aspergers (he was diagnosed with autism back before they were specific about the spectrum). Now I'm curious about the age differential between him, my other uncle, and my mom (neither of which have autism, but both have ADD).

Unfortunately, it mentions that it doesn't really say anything about Aspergers in particular. I wonder how the results would change if they factored in PDD and Aspergers as well.