Finding out about your sons diagnosis

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Hello all. I'm not sure if this is the right forum area for this but after over a week of trying to get myself into the right frame of mind to post at all, here goes...

I was diagnosed by a psychologist about 3 months ago with aspergers after being referred to her when I took a turn for the worse a few months prior. I've been on and off anti-depressants for 10 years now, feeling a little like a guinea pig for them mostly.

My contact with my family is largely non existent and consists of a phone call to my mum every 4 to 5 months and a visit from her every 6 months or so. She knows that I have been on medication before but when she last saw me, she noticed me taking a dose and asking "what have they got you on now". It seemed as though telling her the truth would just raise an issue that at the time I couldn't have dealt with and so I told her they were just pain killers for a finger I'd broken during a recent meltdown (although that's not the cause for the damage I told her).

Since that last visit however, I've been diagnosed, my job role at work has changed from a managerial role to one that I feel more comfortable in and my medication has increased significantly. The question I have though is, do you think it would help things by telling my mum all of this?

I'm really just worried that she'll be angry at me or herself or the doctors I have to see. I hate having to lie to anyone to the point of feeling physically sick but is it worth it to spare my mums feelings?

If not telling her is making you feel physically ill then you are not doing what is best for youself. If telling her the facts about what is happening in your life will make you feel better then perhaps you should do that. How she feels about it and reacts to is up to her and you aren't responsible for that. Try to remember that part - you aren't responsible for her feelings. Only she can control how she feels about the facts.
BTW Welcome to WP and good luck to you!

I don't understand why anyone would be angry about it. Its a neurological disorder, usually present from birth. You didn't catch it from anyone (or any vaccine), and in spite of what some small minded bigots say, its not an excuse for anything, its quite real.

At the same time, its rather complicated to try to explain it to someone who doesn't live with it. When you try to describe sensory overloads and social anxieties they often respond with "Oh, everybody goes through that," as though we were exaggerating something commonplace and using it as an excuse. They just can't grasp that what we're describing is far more intense than what they experience and that instead of it being an occasional difficulty, we live with that sensation all the time. They just can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that what is a temporary obstacle for them is an incapacitating, crippling, life-altering handicap for someone with autism.

But if you've lived with AS all your life, you already know what its like to be told you're not trying hard enough when you explain to someone that you physically can't do what they're telling you to do.

My mother was a little skeptical when I told her that I was pretty sure I had a form of autism, but by the time I was officially diagnosed a couple months later, I think she must have done some online reading about it - I know she has a friend whose son has AS, too - in any case, once she became familiar with the symptoms of the disorder I think she figured out pretty quickly (as I had) that it explained my entire life a little too perfectly to be a coincidence.

Still, you know your mother better than anyone here could. Some people have a hard time accepting that their own child might have an incurable disability, I think it makes them feel like its their fault, or that their DNA is defective or something like that. I think that's silly, its just an alternate neurological wiring schematic, not better or worse than the norm, but because it makes us a minority who experience reality a little differently than the majority, it does present us with some handicaps. We will always be aliens trying to muddle through on someone else's planet.

Thank you for your replies, it's honestly just a huge relief to have other peoples thoughts for a change instead of the endless loop in my head.

I'm just worried that when I was diagnosed I had a hard time coming to terms with it and my mothers reaction could be similar. I suppose my main fear is that she will blame herself for not noticing my problems earlier or that she will try and deny that I have been struggling as you say "oh everybody goes through that" type situation.

I know I really do have to tell her. Doing things that are best for me is far from natural so your encouragement really helps. Thank you again

Some people have a more difficult time coming to terms with it than others, but if I were your mother, I would want to know. Even if I was upset at first and doing my whole crazy thing I do when a curve ball gets thrown at me, I would be glad that my grown child still trusted me enough to share something sensitive. And I'd get over the crazy routine and eventually figure out for myself that the right answer really is the right answer.

If you are worried about her reaction, plan to tell her near the end of a visit, and bring along lots of lovely, comforting books that you can leave with her to read.

Long run, you do know your mother better than any of us, so you will have to figure out for yourself how and when to tell her. But odds are good the right approach is to figure out how and when, not if.

Tip: you could tell her in stages. First just mention things you've learned about Aspergers but don't conclude that you were dx'd. I guess you would be desensitizing her.

As the parent of two ASD children and an ASD husband I don't see it as a disorder or something to be mad about. My 3 special editions are amazing and everyday they make me smile at their uniqueness and quirkiness.

Those who truly love them accept them completely as they are with no judgement and those that don't move on...it is a great filter. Don't be ashamed, be proud of your individualilty, there are so many amazing traits in people with ASD, show them off girl!

My 11 year old asked me the other day what ASD stood for and I told him... his response? " Why do they call it a disorder??? I think I got an upgrade!". Love it

I think the hard part for me will likely be not going into too much detail about everything the doctors have said to me and various bits and pieces I've read. Once a topic comes up that I can actually contribute to, any sense of judging when to shut up, goes out of the window.

Do you have any ideas of a book she could read to give her some insight into the issues I might have had over the years? I know my experiences will be different as everyones are, but stuff like sensory problems and anxiety as a result seem fairly universal.

The only books I have are really too indepth for her right now I'd think. Handily she works in a library, but I'd like to have something to suggest she read that would be helpful from a parents point of view if possible. What would you recommend?