I Just Don't Know What to Do...

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My Aspie son is having a real hard time in the 2nd grade. His teacher last year was amazing, and she just seemed to intuitively know when he was losing focus. She would - without even missing a beat in her teaching - just walk over and place a hand on his shoulder when he would drift off, bringing him right back into it. She also had the uncanny ability to be able to see a meltdown coming and head it off before it happened.

Now, in the second grade, he is having a lot more problems. He's on Focalin, which seems to help a bit, but he's been having a lot of meltdowns at school. Yesterday, he was suspended because he flipped out and started screaming the "f word" repeatedly at the top of his lungs. I had to go to school and pick him up.

Yesterday's issue was that he had to go to the bathroom, but didn't want to use the public restroom at school. Since he'd used the student bathrooms a few times before, the teacher didn't allow him to use a private bathroom. He freaked out. I have since learned that sometimes there are kids in the public bathroom speaking loudly and it bothers him. But not always.

This is not the point, though. He often refuses to do his work, will throw himself on the floor and scream. He'll melt down when he isn't paired with his good friend, Scott.

I have several fears. One is that he will lose the friends he has because of this behavior. But also, the principal (who is great and doesn't want to do this) is afraid they are going to have to put him in the "Aut room." He says my son doesn't really belong there, because he is much higher functioning than those kids, but he is at a loss because things cannot continue going as they are.

To make matters worse, my son took and aced the test for the gifted program. But they won't let him in with this behavior. So, he belongs in the gifted program, but may end up in the Aut room. And if he ends up there, I am afraid he will look around him and decide, "Oh, this is how I am supposed to be." I'm afraid that would make him regress, and that he would be more bored than ever as well.

I've tried to impress upon him that the gifted program is where he wants to be - that he'll get to do a lot of awesome science experiments (he's got three going at home right now) and learn a lot of new and interesting things, but that if if he doesn't get his behavior under control, he's going to go in the opposite direction. It doesn't seem to help.

Yesterday, my wife and I started something new. He now has to earn time on his computer, Wii, DS, and TV. If he is good for the first half of the school day, he gets a half hour of time. If he is good for the second, he gets another. If he comes home and does his homework without problems, he gets another. If he poops on the toilet, another. So, instead of punishing him for bad behavior, we are now rewarding him for good.

I also used science to try and get through to him yesterday. I told him that Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I said, "When you have a problem and throw a fit, does the problem get solved? No. You just get in trouble. So, like Edison, you need to try something different when the first thing fails. If Edison had just continued repeating his first experiment, he'd have never invented the filament that makes light bulbs work." He seemed at the time to get it.

I hope the new system helps, because he has so much potential, but his behavioral issues are really holding him back. I want him to have a good school experience, and not make the same mistakes I did of not caring and not trying. I'm just kind of quietly freaking out.

I'm not even sure why I am posting this. I guess maybe I want sympathy, or some advice. Has anyone dealt with this successfully?

You don't say where you live, and since the laws about education vary widely from country to country, people can't give you good advice without knowing where you are. If you're in the USA, you need to get some good support/guidance in dealing with your possibly well intentioned principal. You son should have an IEP. The "I" stands for "individualized." That means that he is supposed to get the education he needs, not be thrown into whatever program happens to exist at the school. If he needs gifted support, he's supposed to get it. If the "Aut class" is not appropriate for him, he doesn't go there, even if there is a problem in his current classroom. If he needs more support in the classroom, the school is supposed to provide it. If the teacher needs more training, the school is supposed to provide that.

Again, this is if he's in the US. If he is, there should be a functional behavioral assessment (FBA) done by a qualified behavioral analyst. This is not the special ed teacher or the classroom teacher, and it takes time. The analyst will speak to all your son's teachers, to you, possibly even to your son, in doing the assessment. S/he will observe over the course of several days, and in different environments. From that assessment, a positive behavioral intervention plan (BIP) will be developed. The plan should be implemented by all adults working with your son in school. If the plan was properly developed, and is properly implemented, the "undesirable" behaviors should decrease, the "desirable" behaviors should increase, and everyone, including your son, should be happier.

Yeah, I'm in Missouri in the US. He had an IEP last year, but we haven't had a meeting yet this year. He saw a behavioral therapist for all of last year and most of the year before, but she moved out of town, and we haven't seen the new one yet. He seems to have the most issues in PE and music class.

Another problem is the teacher doesn't seem to want to put the effort in to keep us informed. Last year, we had a spiral notebook, and we would send his teacher a note in the morning if anything was amiss, so she could be prepared. Likewise, she would send us a note back at the end of the day to let us know how his day was. That way, both his teacher and we could reinforce each other.

This year, his new teacher said she didn't want to do that. Finally, she agreed to a little form that provides no details at all (when she bothers to fill it out.)

The principal wants to have a meeting with all his support - his aide, resource teacher, teacher, etc. I suggested that he ask my son's 1st grade teacher to come to this meeting, too, so that she could share strategies and tactics that worked for her last year. He seemed to think that was a good idea, so fingers crossed...

The IEP that was in place last year is still in place until a new one is developed. A new IEP has to be done every year, but you can request an IEP meeting at any time. If you want last year's teacher at this meeting you're going to have, send a note (email is good) to the principal, confirming that. It is documentation. You need to document things. It doesn't have to look like documentation, it can just be a "it was good to talk to you, I'm looking forward to our meeting, I think it will be very helpful to have Ms. X join us, and I'm so glad you agree!"

Is the behavioral therapist someone your son was seeing through the school, or privately? If it was through the school, and it was something required by the IEP, it doesn't matter if she moved - the school needs to find someone else to take the position. If not, it's a different situation. She is not, however, the person who would do the FBA. An ongoing therapist does not do an FBA - the FBA is done by a certified behavioral analyst who consults for the purpose of doing FBA's and developing BIP's, but they need to be objective in order to observe in the way that is necessary.

If most of your son's issues are in music and PE, might they be because of auditory sensitivity? Gyms tend to be very loud, echo-ey rooms, and music classes can similarly be loud (and both classes are sometimes less structured than more academic classes are). Maybe your son can help tell you what the problem is, but if the noise is (part of) the problem, the use of noise cancelling headphones could help - and school should provide them.

When you have an IEP meeting, make sure that communication between home and school is written into the plan. Then, it's not up to the teacher whether she "feels like" filling out forms or sending notes. The IEP is a legal document, and the teacher is obligated to abide by it. Similarly, the strategies that your son's first grade teacher found so effective should be written into the IEP as "specially designed instruction." Don't let it just be "tips" that she's sharing informally with this year's teacher.

I am going to guess that your son is responding to the stress factors around him, and it will be impossible to mitigate that without good situational autopsies. Ask the teacher to set aside time to talk to you after class on days there have been issues. Communication is key. Get this in the IEP if you have to.

My son was terrified of public restrooms around that age, to the point where he would hold it in all day. These are real sensory issues and anxieties, and it is common for them to go and go depending on the other levels of stress your child is facing. The school needs to understand that, and allow your child every possible tool for self-mitigation.

A really good tool at this age is the escape. Your son should be able to leave the classroom any time for a previously designated location. A calm and quiet one, without sensory issues.

At this age, I think it is key to honor his sensory issues and also help redirect him into self-mitigation techniques when you see signs of stress build up. Behavioral issues are often signs of sensory overload.

And ... I'd write more but I'm super tired tonight and really low on time over the next week. See if you can make any progress and maybe we can talk more after my work deadline.

BTW, fear of restrooms, especially public, but any restrooms, is very, very common in ASD kids your son's age (and older). Aside from them being loud and having lots of echos, there are all those flushing toilets - those are really loud, and they happen unexpectedly, with no warning, and often. My grandson not only "holds it" all day, but when they try to work with him at school, they let him use whichever bathroom he chooses in the building, including the more "private" ones, like in the nurse's office. Since you mention a private bathroom, get it written into your son's IEP that he can use them. It will make his school life much easier. The teacher won't be able, legally, to withhold that "privilege." If he gets in "trouble" for having a meltdown because school is not properly meeting his needs, it will be much easier to demonstrate that his behavior was a manifestation of his disability (they are not allowed to suspend for such behavior) if the school was in violation of the IEP when the behavior was triggered. The school may also be reluctant to push things to that point if a hearing on the record would require that it be revealed that they were out of compliance with the child's IEP.

Yes, I definitely think you should get the IEP re-instated, and have it written in that he can use the private bathrom,as others have stated. Its sounds like he is a very bright kid, and an issue like that, if it can be solved simply by using another bathroom, well then that should definitely be done. Good luck.

Thanks, guys. He has been doing a lot better since he went back to school on Thursday. I know it is only two days, but they were near perfect days. I don't know if it is because of the change in discipline or the upped medication, but I guess we'll stick with both.

Last night, I took him to this thing we had going on in a local park, where these people from the Astronomy Society or something had set up a bunch of huge telescopes in a field and were showing various nebula and planets and binary stars and such. He had an amazing time, and was great, even though we were way past his bed time. He also impressed the Astronomers by asking them about Kepler 16-B (the first planet found with two suns like Tattooine) and Tyche, the planet that is believed to be hiding behind the ort cloud in our very own solar system.