I Believe My Toddler Has Aspergers, But I'm Not Sure

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My Son is 3 1/2 years old (43 months). When he was 2 1/2 someone told me he may be autistic but I went into denial because he did make eye contact and he was talking. He didn't talk much then, it wasn't that he couldn't just that we couldn't get him to COMMUNICATE. I've learned that being able to talk and communicating are very different.

He will be attending a special needs class for this pre-k year. He failed the screening and was considered 25% delayed in fine motor skills and social/emotional. However, they think he's fine and not autistic. I know he's not autistic and I wish they would stop focusing on that. Yes I know he makes eye contact and I know that with enough prompting, he will answer questions and I know that he's a very intelligent little boy, but me and my mother know something is not normal with him.

He is fixated on sucking his thumb. HUGE tantrum if you take it out. Certain Noises cause him to cover his ears, shake, and scream, cry, whine, etc. We've worked with him and he's gotten better but I never know what is going to set him off. It makes it difficult to go anywhere that is loud or has sudden noises. The other day, the wind blew open our front door and it squealed but by the way he reacted you would have thought the bogeyman walked in. He is a very picky eater! Always has Been. Only eats a few food items at a time. He doesnt' care about soiled, wet diapers. (makes potty training difficult). Once (sorry if tmi!) he pooped in his pants, and it ran down his legs yet he continued to play with his matchbox cars. He didn't seem to care what he was stepping in!! He has this HUGE fixation on matchbox cars. He has always needed to line them up, drive them, etc. Once, this past June, he had a big bag of cars. He took out one or two at at time and played with them from 1:30-10:30 that night and wouldn't talk, eat, and barely drank his sippy. This is when my mom declared something was wrong. He still won't sleep through the night and when he wakes up crying, it's near impossible to console him. He has irrational fears of the simplest things like a TEDDY BEAR yet he's not scared of falling or heights and doesn't seem to understand certain dangers! Yet the teachers at this school believe nothing is wrong with him because he played with farm animals and a farmer and said he was playing appropriately. I know him and I know that what he was doing was merely repeating what he knows they should do. There was no imaginative play! He LOVES music and sometimes he just dances from side to side and sings incoherently. It's really hard to get his attention when he's focused on something. Sometimes I resort to clapping my hands really loud to get his attention.

He has good days and he has bad days. I would not classify him as "severe". But I'm worried. He does play with other kids but he only mimics what they do. He will stand to the side and watch and study, then he follows them. But he won't talk to them, only looking at me and asking "What is that boy doing?" He can answer my questions, especially if it's dealing with a factual answer. But if I ask him what he LIKES or DESIRES, he wont' answer me. He does better with CONCRETE questions, ideas, thoughts,etc, rather than ABSTRACT. He also gets VERY frustrated and upset over the simplest things and throws this huge fit. Sometimes he even has moments of self hurt and even hitting his little baby brother (who is 1).

I would like some opinions just because I believe that something is amiss with him, however I'm worried that, when he finally does see a specialist, will they believe the same thing as the teachers in his special needs classes? I know they only focus on autism, and I believe he has apsergers, but I'm not sure. If he were to get diagnosed it would make it so much easier to explain his odd behaviors. One REALLY ODD, sometimes embarrassing behavior, is his NEED (and I say need because it seems he is COMPELLED to do this) to SMELL peoples' skin. He will smell and rub a person's skin almost obsessively. One friend commented that my son was a pervert and I wish I could just say he has "...." and can't help it!

I love my son and I want what's best for him! I wish he could get diagnosed so people are more willing to help and understand.

This looks more like classic autism rather than AS, you are mistaken in thinking your son has aspergers syndrome.

It's all very confusing. Several different people tell me several different things. One lady who works at a Health center said Aspergers, then another lady who works in special education systems, said just something in the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Now, the teachers and behavioral specialist and an occupational therapist all concured that he did not show signs of Autism.

Regardless of whether it's specifically Autism or Aspergers, I'm hoping some profressional will see it as well.

You sound like me when I was in denial. Because my child loved getting hugs from me, looks me in the eye, smiles at me, and is otherwise a "normal" looking 3.5 year old. Back then I could fixate on him being delayed in speech and try to fix that.

Now that he's 4, the behaviors are coming out and now I WANT that autism label. Not because I want my kid labeled. But because this was the best chance we had at getting the interventions I should have gotten him back before he turned 2.

Autism is a wide spectrum. You may have the same impression I had about what autism looks like, and for sure it didn't look like my child. But now I know that his symptoms are interfering with his ability to learn to communicate, and I've done everything I could as a parent short of becoming a speech therapist myself to help him (I've also gone through the 12 week Hanen for Parent Program).

People won't always understand, but they may if you have the right diagnosis and you can get your son the help he needs and also educate yourself on ways to manage "regular" relationships when friends may not know what's going on. Without the diagnosis, your son does become labeled as "pervert", instead of correctly attributing it to part of his symptoms (and the right intervention may give him the tools to find a more "socially acceptable" alternative to smelling people's skin).

I know this sucks; I'd gone through the stages of denial and grief and bursting into tears and blaming myself for "causing" it or blaming myself for not "catching it soon enough" and then blaming myself for "delaying my kid 2 years of treatment because I was in denial". All this was part of my process but now I'm past the denial and I'm looking at what I can do to give my kid the tools and treatment he needs. Because my kid doesn't look "severe" he stands the chance of slipping through the cracks and in fact, he has (in part thanks go my denial as well).

Yes I definitely went through this denail. It wasn't until my Mom talked to a couple of ladies and mentioned some of his odd behaviors, that she came to realize something was wrong. I was referred to this school to get a screening/evaluation.

The more research I've done, the more I realize he has an ASD, however what makes me so upset is that these teachers, and "specialists" at this school, who have only seen my son a handful of times, are telling me that my son is FINE. That he is not autistic, that he will not need anything special when he starts regular school, that in their experience, he is quite normal and just a little quirky. And because he knew that the cop car went into the police station, and that the fire truck went into the fire dept., and because the ambulance went into the hospital (with obvious pushing and prompts from this behavior specialist who was "playing" with him) they think he plays appropriate and makes enough eye contact to be fine.

I believed without any doubt that he had an ASD yet they dashed my hopes and so I'm worried that what if I get him evaluated by doctors and specialists, then they tell me, "no, your son is fine".

I'm counting on a diagnosis by the time he is 4 1/2 years old because my ex-husband is European and lives on a small Mediterranean island. And according to our custody agreement, my son needs to go there for 3 months, HOWEVER my son has only seen him ONCE since he was less than a year old, doesn't know him at all, and won't know anybody over there. He's terrified of loud noises (airplanes), can't stand to be away from me or his grandma, and he doesn't like sudden changes. I am so worried that going to a different country, in a different time zone, with unusual foods (he's picky enough), on a loud airplane for a LONG period of time, is going to so traumatized. I wish I just had some sort of document stating that my son doesn't need to make this trip. I'm all for my ex coming over here and spending as long as he likes, but I don't want my son going over there.

It's all so complicated and from what I'm seeing, it's near impossible to get a child this young diagnosed.

It sounds like you're going through a tough time trying to figure this out.

Your son may not be showing enough of the signs yet for a definitive diagnosis, although it definitely sounds like he has sensory issues. I don't know where you stay - would it be possible for an assessment of his symptoms, even if it doesn't result in a diagnosis?

From experience with my own daughter, the ASD symptoms only became apparent when she was almost 5yrs. Before that, I doubt she would have received a diagnosis at all, if I had spoken to anyone about my concerns (I didn't speak to anyone). The possibilities I had in mind for her were mild ADHD, sensory processing disorder, spiritedness, strong will and just frustration due to high intelligence, to name a few. Then, just about a year ago, I noticed some behaviours that she'd either never exhibited before or they had not been too out of the ordinary for a young child. We saw a speech & language therapist 4 months ago and he thinks she may have Aspergers (as do I, my husband and her teachers). It's going to be another 2 years before she sees a paed, to make a diagnosis (or not), unless we go down the private route, which is becoming more of a probability, the longer we wait.

If you haven't done so already, I'd advise you to keep a bullet point list of symptoms and show it to anyone you speak to about your son. I've found this to be a good way of making people take my concerns seriously and has also helped me to sort out my thoughts.

Good luck x

im gonna be the devil here and digress and say that maybe the professionals are correct. autism and all varieties are very trendy these days and also a way to explain abnormal behaviores. but there are plenty of "normal" children with many abnormal behaviors. i could be wrong though

there is a test for asperger's based on the criteria that doctors use at iautistic.com/test_AS.php. that, along with the lists of characteristics on webMD and aarp.org allowed me to diagnose myself with asperger's.

i'd go for a professional diagnosis if i were you. your son could have help with the social skills he needs instead of having to learn them in the school of hard knocks like i did.

"Your son may not be showing enough of the signs yet for a definitive diagnosis, although it definitely sounds like he has sensory issues. I don't know where you stay - would it be possible for an assessment of his symptoms, even if it doesn't result in a diagnosis? "

I have no idea the process or if an assessment would be better than a diagnosis, but it seems with a diagnosis, my mind would be at ease. I feel bad enough thinking something may "be wrong" with my child.

These teachers aren't exactly "professionals". And they are being narrow minded by only focusing on one in the entire Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Plus they only saw him a handful of times. I know my son better. I went around for over a year with the attitude that he was just a normal child with abnormal behaviors. I'm a stay at home mom and have nothing but time to work with him. My attentions have made him better but he still isn't up to date and "normal". His abnormal behaviors are becoming a danger. For instance he KNOWS what HOT is, but he doesn't understand. He continuously burns himself on the stove or recently removed pots, etc. You'd think, burned once, twice shy would apply here but it doesn't. His behaviors affect his daily living. It's not to my liking to be practically stuck in my own home because I never know what's going to set him off out in the world. A simple trip to the zoo can cause freak out moments. I would like nothing more than just say he's fine, if not a bit quirky, and go on with life. But just in case there are resources out there, with a diagnosis, that can help him and help me and his caretakers better understand, communicate, discipline him, woudl make all of our lives so much easier.

That's exactly what I'm worried about. I don't like the idea of my son learning the hard way ("school of hard knocks"). I dont want my son bullied or teased. I know, even with a diagnosis, it wont' stop all bullies, but I like to believe it will help. My son is very smart and I'd like the resources available to Aspergers, etc to help him reach his full potential.

Here, in Scotland, a diagnosis isn't necessary for a child to get support at school. My daughter doesn't have a diagnosis and won't get one for at least 2 years (if we wait for the NHS), but she's on the school's additional needs plan, regardless. Even if she doesn't qualify for ASD diagnosis, the school will use the assessment process as a way of identifying where she's struggling (socially and educationally) and put strategies in place to help her. The initial assessment was with speech & language therapy, which set the wheels in motion for the school's recognition of her needs.

I really don't think it's AS but rather classic autism. Autism is far from a death sentence. I'm happy and very well-adjusted, live mostly independently, and am self-employed. I have classic autism.

I agree with a previous poster that these people are professionals for their field, but not necessarily the field of autism. Get a diagnosis from a specialist or team trained to evaluate for autism spectrum and child developmental disorders.

I'm gonna jump in here and assume you are in the US. If that's not true, only some of what I say may be applicable.
A diagnosis is done by a doctor, school district staff in the US DO NOT diagnosis children. They ASSESS children to determine if they meet certain criteria that require the school system to make accomodations in order to meet that child's educational needs. Any child could be diagnosed by a doctor as having an ASD but it is up to the school district to determine if that diagnosis actually equates to the child requiring special accomodations to be provided by the school system in order for that child to receive an equal education under the law. There is a slight possibility here that you may be misunderstanding the message the teachers are sending (please hear me out). Since they identified, according to your OP, that he has a developmental delay, he already qualifies for services so they may not really care at this point about identifying his autistic traits. They see he has a develomental delay and that is something they are prepared to handle. I think there are more than a few cases on this forum of folks who started out with a designation from the school or a diagnosis from a doc that said PDD-NOS only to have that modified to High Functioning Autism as the child got older and the signs of autism became more clear.


Be careful not to burn your bridges to quickly, the teachers are not medical professionals, its true, however they are professional educators. Yes you know your son best but try not to belittle others in the process of advocating for him. You probably won't find that to be a very productive road.

It sounds like what you really want is for a doctor to say that he has a condition that should preclude him from having to travel to see his father. Depending upon where you live and how much money you have, you may be able to doctor shop until you find one that says exactly what you want to hear and you can find a medical way out of the custody arrangement. Who knows, maybe the first doc you see will say exactly that. Don't get me wrong, I would be totally freaked out if were in your shoes and had to send my son off to a strange country. I just encourage you to examine your motives and the process you choose. Be clear about what you are doing and why and you won't have any regrets. Try to separate the issue of schooling from the custody issue. Not a lawyer but it probably won't matter a lick to a judge what the school says about his condition just as a judge's decision about modifying a custody agreement won't effect how the school looks at your son's educational needs.

At this point it is probably easier to look at him as likely on the spectrum, without worrying too much about the semantics of exactly where. The diagnoses are relatively similar anyway and at this point the interventions and assistance your child may benefit from will be the same regardless of exactly where he lies on the spectrum. Also, either diagnosis isn't ultimately indicative of where he will end up functioning wise later on.

Some good advice here on preserving relationships, etc.

The key right now is to get a clinical psychologist who specializes in the autism spectrum, to evaluate your son. This is what I'm doing right now, and it's a long process (the cost, the waiting, then the assessment and the report). The diagnosis will be key in order to create the right IEP (individual education plan) for your child's education, if you're based in the U.S.

It is true that autism is a spectrum and therefore, working with someone who is an expert in the autism spectrum disorder is what I'd recommend.

It is also true that school districts are not diagnosing children, but they should evaluate, and by law, they need to assess for ALL of the child's disabilities. This means if they suspect ASD, they should let the parents know that the child should be assessed by a qualified professional who specifically evaluates ASD, they should *not* tell the parent that a child has, or doesn't have autism, because the act of making such statement is in itself, an unqualified diagnosis. This is especially dangerous for those children who do not appear "severe" on the spectrum, but who absolutely still requires treatment and intervention. My son was in this group, and if I kept listening to the school, he would have slipped through the cracks and kept hidden underneath the radar.

The reality is that in many of these schools, children of diverse special needs are lumped into one class, and if this is a self contained "special ed" class, then the children who may have a "less apparently severe" deficit will be missed by the teacher. I know this because in one year of attending the special ed, my son has made very little progress even as he goes 5 days a week for 4 hours a day. He gets 30 minutes of "group speech" a week, not nearly enough to address his speech deficit, on top of a missed autism diagnosis. We finally woke up and got my son to see an independent speech & language pathologist for a complete assessment and started him on twice a week 1 ON 1 speech therapy for 50 minutes each session. He has made more progress in 1 month with our private speech therapist than he has in 1 year of self contained special ed. Yet he is being reported as progressing or meeting his IEP goals and the teachers keep raving about how great he's doing.

I'm walking carefully here in preserving good relationships with school officials and teachers, but I also am taking steps necessary to credibly present evidence of a missed diagnosis that critically impacts his ability to learn. A neurotypical child with a speech & language delay is a different learner than a child with autism whose earliest visible symptoms were speech & language delay. At some point, I know I'll have to call the school out on this "miss", but it won't be for lack of sharing my concerns with the school. I've shared and shared (and I have all the documentation to prove it). But I was continually brushed off and patronized.