Just venting I guess

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I kind of feel like it's not right for me to feel so lost because it's my son who's actually living with autism. But I'm struggling so much right now because HE'S struggling so much right now and I don't know how to help him. He's having a lot of problems in school, especially on the bus. I get calls from the school just about everyday, starting last year. I lost my job last year due to me rushing to the school 3-4 times a week when they'd call with an "emergency". Now I have a seasonal/temp job at a makeup counter and even though I'm not leaving work anymore and running to the school every time they call the stress is certainly affecting my work. We make commission and the girls at my counter are cutthroat. Today I spent 30 minutes with a customer helping them pick out makeup and fragrances. A coworker came over, joined our conversation for about 15 minutes then started ringing them up. She said "I'm gonna have this sale because I worked hard". I know I need to put my foot down and not let these girls get away with that because I have sales goals I need to meet, plus I make a percentage of the sale and it was almost a $300 sale. But I feel like every minute of every day I have this giant knot in my throat and tears behind my eyes and if I'm not careful I'm going to crack. I let her have the sale and walked away.
My son is on my mind all the time, I worry constantly. He's such a wonderful kid and he has so much fun outside of school, when he's with me. The kid they describe at school sounds like someone I don't know. He simply does not behave that way at home. Then there's the third kid, the one I wake up every morning and help get ready for school. He has this sad look on his face and sometimes he says he doesn't want to go to school, and that everybody hates him. I've never, ever imagined loving anyone as deeply as I love my little boy and the fact that he feels so bad about himself, and like nobody likes him breaks my heart. I don't really know how to help him, I have no support. Only a few of my friends are parents and they're just starting to get pregnant and have children, so none of them have children close to my son's age. The people at my son's school seem to feel I'm some kind of awful parent and all the hoop jumping I've done to try to prove to anyone and everyone in doubt has been exhausting. From opening my home up to strangers so they can see I have nothing to hide, to leaving my job to sit down with them and talk with them. I'm just at a complete loss, I'm lonely, I'm scared and worried all the time and I feel tremendously guilty for feeling so weak when I want to be a fierce mother lion for him.

I hear and feel for you, I have had many vents about similar situation. My son hates school and refusing to go and his very unhappy everyday there is no real alternative other than trying to get the school to make changes to ease the day for him.

We also run our own business and I haven't be apart of it since my son started post primary thats over a year now.

I wish I had an answer for you but all I can say is take one day at a time and you are not on your own. Its certainly nothing to do with you as a parent you sound like a great mum, I go through the same feelings many times a day and my mind is always on my son. I know what I am saying means little when you are so stressed. I keep trying to make changes that will be helpful and I look forward to the weekend and holidays when we are all relaxed and enjoy each other. My son brings his stress home at school he holds it all in.

All I can say is hang in there and keep doing what you are and hopefully it will pay off. Is there any local support group where you can talk to parents going through the same in your area this might allow you to get things of you chest. I find posting here helps me a lot I might not always get the answers but it certainly helps.

I hear you. I feel you.

My son is 14. I was a Zombie all the years he was small. Single Mom. 2 Souls Alone. Friends and family ran like Rats from a sinking ship. All ASD parent support groups rejected me because I had no child care.

Life is good. For now. The Future is a question mark. I hope and pray you last this long.

God Bless.

I hear you. Been there. Are you able to be assertive when necessary? It's hard for me, too. Does your son have an IEP? If you have trouble with the school there is likely a parent's organization in your state which might be able to help with advocacy. The bus is a sensory and social nightmare. The more you can get your son more comfortable in school the less you'll get called for emergencies. A parent's support group might be a very good idea too. Isolation stinks.