The 24 year old : How Do I talk to him

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Stern and 'in your gface' or gentely - coddling

Example:

Food is cooked (by me or his mom)

He says "you made terrible food"

Upon further discussion, it is basically not to his taste...
. . OK, that I understand

Do I tell him sternly : Do not say the food is terrible,say you like . . (e.g., salt, cheese, ....) ... on your food. That is a more proper way to voice you personal prefference for seasoning on YOUR food.

I really do not want to 'coddle' him. I think he is old enough that he 'needs' some social graces . . .

And the next time he tells me what I prepare is 'bad' , 'terrible' . . I just might talk away what's in front of him and state "starve to death or add your own seasonigs . . .my food is not terrible, bad" ( I am a rather well accomplished cook ! )

Dear Parents...please give some feed back . .

thanks

Make him cook his own food.

try something in between. he quite likely doesnt even realize that what he says sounds rude to others. be straightforward and matter of fact. let him know what his words sound like to you, and give him options for food (dont eat what you made, make his own, go hungry). its ok to let him know that if he doesnt show appreciation for the effort you put into making something, he doesnt get to eat it. he probably doesnt even consider your time and effort put into making it, so a simple reminder doesnt hurt.

this is something my 14 yr old has had problems with for years. rule at the table is, if you dont like it, i dont want to hear about it. otherwise he would go on and on about WHY he didnt like it, usually prefacing it with "no offense, but..." which is indeed offensive when its said at every single meal. we also have a set of options that are standard if our two picky eaters dont like whats served: pb & j, cheese sandwich, top ramen. the 14 yr old has to make it himself these days if he chooses to take an option.

Why doesn't he feed himself?

LOL, we have this, too.

What we have tried to instill is "thank you, that's not my taste." (or no, thank you) It's an uphill battle, though - it just doesn't occur to him to say anything other than exactly what he thinks (and it's rare for him to say nothing at all.)

I've been reading your posts, I know you are going through a lot - but I think you need to take a longer, slower view of dealing with AS behavior. You certainly have the right to say how you want to be treated in your own house - but be aware that it is going to take a considerable amount of time and effort for an adult on the spectrum to make any kind of change - even if he WANTS to.

Part of your job, then, is to help motivate him to change, which you're not going to do unless you show him the logical benefit to changing. (Your job after that is to be patient and let him take the time to process changing, while reminding him gently of the agreed-upon change.)

In all honesty, if he said that to me, I'd probably say "What don't you like about it?"

And if his answer was something of the sort of "It's not salty enough," then I would probably reply "So, salt it. I'm not your mother." and walk away and eat my sufficiently seasoned food.

You can also tell him that he can be honest but being rude isn't acceptable, and that if he feels the need to give criticism he can work on giving constructive criticism by being more specific, as you suggested.

You are welcome to say this to him with an annoyed tone.

> And if his answer was something of the sort of "It's not salty enough,"
>then I would probably reply "So, salt it. I'm not your mother."
> and walk away and eat my sufficiently seasoned food.

I tried something like
"Oh, I see, the food does not taste the way you want"
"So the food is not BAD and I am not a BAD cook" ( basically blowing his words to me up his...)
"I cook food 'generically, and let everyone season to their taste"
" Not everyone wants to pour melted ice cream on their hamburger"


His response " Oh, I didn't think of that"

> You can also tell him that he can be honest but being rude isn't acceptable,
> and that if he feels the need to give criticism he can work on
> giving constructive criticism by being more specific, as you suggested.

And this seems to be the hard spot: he is quick, very quick, to critisie the item or action that someone brings to him . . .
.. . after some inquiring, the 'gifter' learns the issues is 'not his color, not his taste, etc)
. .I triy to inform him that he should say "Thank you for the ,,,item or action, but is in not ...my favorite color , ,not seasoned ..."
. .it hurts the person you talk to when you just say someting like "You do know how to shop . . .cook , , ,," The person may be so offended as to go away and never ereturn. I set my self up with that one...seems like he doesn't caere if the person ever returns....which I find perplexing if he speaks the truth about being 'lonely'

> You are welcome to say this to him with an annoyed tone .
- I have
- he doesn't seems to realized, or respond to 'annoyed' toneof voice
- then I get some crap from mom "Your upset" . .in a (her) tone of voice
that sounds like I shouldn't be . . .
- I tell her "I'm not upset" , " I'm trying to help him 'learn' some social skills so he won't be lonely"

Oh well, live, learn.. . enjoy everday that God brings to me . . .and I'm gonna survive this brain cancer thing...because I said so ! !!

He's 24 give him a kick up the ass for f**k sake.

Couple of things - First of all....

"This food is bad" technically means rotten or spoilt - inedible. if stating something as fact - be correct.

If stating an opinion....I don't like the food, please consider this rule before opening your mouth:

Is it necessary to say (like who cares)
Is it true
Is it kind

I try to get my kids to think of these three things before offering an opinion or advise. Now - if something is true and kind, it doesnt always have to be necessary. It's OK to say, what a georgeous day - because the necessity may be to engage in conversation, that is enough if the other two are correct.

My boys are pretty good about saying - OH, I don't want that, then I will let them work out a solution for something else.

OK, aspie chick sneaking in here. I am 28 years old and the way my mom cooked was always very overwhelming. too much, or not enough and I tended to be rude about it. The solution. I cooked for myself and now I cook for my and my roommates period. Meals went from being a horrible, frightening experience, to fun! I do all the cooking now and have even learned to pay more consideration to what EVERYONE likes. The rest of my social graces need some fine-tuning, but cooking for myself was a great start. I still have quirks keeping the kitchen clean, tho! One of my roommates cleans it. He says "You cook, I wash"

If someone doesn't like my food, then I would want to know why they don't like it. I would collect these opinions from anyone who wants to give them, and I would try to detect a pattern in the opinions to see if I should keep my food as is or change it and how exactly to change it.

Because it's important to you (I would imagine you would ask for the opinion?), it would then be necessary. However, the person offering the opinion has to find a way to make it kind and true - so which of the options meet the rules better?

I like my food a bit saltier
I like this kind of dish when it desnt have mushrooms in it
This is bad food

This is bad food isn't constructive and doesn't help you make not bad food. The top two options help the cook know how to prepare to your liking.