I hate my mother, do you think that's justified?

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My mother has always been a very dominant woman. Everything needs to be done exactly how she wants it or else you'll be insulted as stupid and unable. She's one of the people who can't ever be satisfied and always complains about everything. She has exaggerated views on order and cleanliness; for example, when my room looks perfectly ok to everyone she'll be like "oh god there's a book on the table and some clothes on the bed, and there's dirt here, where did that come from, this place looks like garbage".

There have always been times when she was "normal" or even making jokes and trying to cheer me up but that's only when she's in a good mood. When she wasn't, she'd verbally abuse me, insult me, call me a "lazy piece of sh*t" or "too stupid for anything". One time when I was about 8 and came home from a friend, we had put makeup on each other for fun, and she told me to - direct quote - "get that off because you look like a cheap whore".

She doesn't accept any of my "rules" such as leaving me alone when I'm in the bathroom or closing the door of my room after leaving, but I have to do everything she tells me. She's also really intolerant, picking on fat or ugly people, sometimes even on the handicapped.

Now I know that a lot of people have been abused worse by their parents and still claim to love them. But I hate her. Nowadays, she isn't even as bad anymore, but I just don't care about her anymore. I just want to get away from her as soon and far as possible. She'd never understand that she has been terrible to me though, it's all normal for her. The biggest problem is that she is very likely to get Alzheimer's and become dependant when she's old, because it lies in the family. I know that she would expect me to move in with her and take care of her, but I could never, never do that.

Do you think it's ok that I hate her? Or am I just selfish and too sensitive? I really can't tell any more.

Perhaps hate is a strong word?

I think many young adults struggle with their views of their parents, because you mostly see them as your parent and not as a fellow human being. When I was your age, I had periods where I really did not care for my dad at all. I mostly just saw how miserable he made me feel growing up.

As I got older, I started to see my dad as a fellow human being. I saw his faults, not just as they related to me, but also in how they effected him. I have also realized that he is probably on the spectrum, but I sure didn't know that when I was growing up. I don't even think knowing that as a child would have helped. But recognizing it now has softened my view of him. I can now see him as a fellow human being who struggles much the same as the rest of us do. I also have more respect for him now because looking back I can see he did the best he could with what he had. It may not have been enough and it may not have been what I needed, but it was the best he could do.

Recognizing this does not make the things he did when I was a kid OK. And I do not think I was wrong to have negative feelings toward him because I think they were the logical result of the nature of our relationship.

I guess I'm just saying that in time, your feelings toward your mom might change. The feelings you have now are not "wrong" because they are your feelings. And I also think they are developmentally appropriate when considering the relationship you have had with your mom. Hopefully as you gain independence from her, you will be able to put some of these negative feelings behind you. Because I do believe that people are entitled to feel what they feel, but I also believe that allowing yourself to "live" in a pool of negative feelings is not healthy.

You don't have to like your mother. You should do your best to honor her, however. I don't agree with her calling you names. Verbal abuse is still abuse. All I can say is everyone has their problems and parents are no exception. Just try to focus on the positives and use her negative characteristics to inspire you to be a better person.

Do what your mother says, and look forward to the day you have your own place, and then you can have a book on every flat surface in the place.

You have a certain amount of choice and responsibility when it comes to spouses and colleagues...but parents - well, I didn't ask to be born. I am well aware that my parents, even though they were pretty awful parents in many ways, made many sacrifices in order to make sure I got safely to adulthood - and many of their poor choices weren't really their fault. That said, I can't have a relationship with them (other than the most distant one I can muster) and stay sane. It's that simple, to me - my feelings aren't as relevant to the situation as my well-being.

It sounds like you need to live at home right now, and you're going to have to make the best of it until you can be more independent. I am sorry you have to live with abuse; I hope you get out of there as quickly as you can. I manage my relationship with my parents now by keeping as much distance between us as is humanly possible, and it does make things somewhat better.

Take care of yourself.

From the sounds of her, I'd likely hate her, too. The problem with that is that it takes a lot of energy to hate someone. It wastes energy you could use in loving someone else. I prefer to despise people instead of hate them. Completely forget that I have have feeling toward them instead of using my energy to hate them.

Yes, I think it's justified.

From what you said, yeah, I think it is justified. Are you going to college? Maybe you could arrange to stay at school over breaks, especially if she is not contributing $$$$$. You might even get to take classes over the summer and graduate sooner, and maybe get out of there sooner.

I do agree that relationships change over time, as the other poster said. Once you are out of the house it is possible since you aren't "messing up" her house she'll chill out, and you will be able to forgive her. If that doesn't happen, I do NOT think you are obligated to take care of her when she is older. She might even be meaner then, and it would be unhealthy for both of you to live in that situation.

Edited because I had omitted the "NOT" because my child was trying to edit my post and change the "$$$$$" to "money."
Sorry for the confusion, I just now realized that I typed it to mean the wrong thing and sent it like that.

I think it's okay to hate her. She sounds so horrible.

Hi! I'll give you what's an honest opinion from myself.
First off, no, you aren't ever 'wrong' in hating another. I know a lot of religious people out there will tell you it's not 'right' to hate. Yeah, well it's also not right to abuse another. Especially a child or teen.
You have a right to how you feel, and if your mother has made your growing up really hard in the manner you've said, you should be allowed to any anger or any other emotion you see fit to bestowing upon her. No one can tell you how to feel, and no one should expect you not to feel a certain way. Everyone takes things differently. What makes you have such hate for your mother and what she's done to you all those years; another might simply just smile and say...That's ok, there must be something wrong. It's not her fault.
But that's them. You need to worry only about how you feel in the matter. Don't listen to anyone whom might try and make you feel either bad or less of yourself because of a way you feel. It's just not right.
Also, while I do not excuse it by any means. Might I ask if your mum does suffer from any type of psychological issue? I had a mother that did similar things. She was both Bi-polar and had tourette syndrome. Neither of which (in my view) gave her any right to what she did or allowed in her home. But did explain some of it. So I was just wondering.
I can also tell you, that while I saw my mother in the hospital several times before she died, she died with me hating her. I've had lots of people tell me how awful I am, till they hear even a part of what she was. And I had every right to how I felt, just as you do. It's not selfish. In fact, your mother sounds selfish, for not having put her child first and foremost. And it's your choice in how you look back at it all.
Just be sure this, that whatever she has done, doesn't eat you up inside in the end. I had two abusive parents, and I didn't actually break free from the emotional pain till I was in my car one day and heard the song Unforgiven and started crying. Realizing that even though I was no longer living with them, and had children of my own, I was still letting them ruin me. The best revenge to such parents, is to live a good and Happy life.
Hope you're able to do so.

I'd hate her too, if she was my mother.