Help for College Son

Post Reply New Topic

I'm new here, and would like some help with my son ... he's almost 20 and second year in college.

His dad has been recently diagnosed with Asperger's, and I'm almost certain son is Aspie too. I'm not sure how to approach things. He's having a very hard time at college this year, it's hard for the first time, and he's gone off the deep end with depression and anxiety - he asked me a couple days ago, when I was encouraging him to talk to his instructor, he admitted he had no idea how to do that ... "how did I go all the way through high school and not once ask the teacher a question in class Mom?" is what he asked me the other night.

I really want to get him diagnosed! But he's very very avoidant and almost 20!

Hows the best way to approach things in regards to son?

You see, we are more or less self contained and it is a bit beyond us to seek information from others in person. Most especially with school type things as we tend to have strict ideas on what is cheating and what isn't.

Last edited by Chronos on 21 Oct 2011, 2:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you. Son did go to the instructor's office and admitted being lost - it seemed to help drain some visible anxiety from him.

Do u think its a good idea to float the idea that he might be on the spectum?

If you think he might have it then you should mention it to him.

In my view you could mention it or not, the more important issue is him learning coping skills.

It's been clear from age two or so that ournow 17yo son was different, but he has variously been diagnosed ADD and ASD (which are incompatible diagnoses according to DSM IV but will not be, as I understand it under DSM V). While I have read about some feeling some sense of epiphany at receiving an ASD diagnosis, I really don't think the diagnosis in our son's case is that important per se (although it helps with additional help at school etc).

Probably your son is an aspie, if he shows signs of that and his dad is an aspie. But what steps does he need to take and what does he need to learn to cope with college? That seems to me themore relevant issue.

I'm going to watch for more opportunities to talk to him about some things - I've been telling him some things about my own internal thought patterns, and checking them out to see if he can relate to them.

I'll admit that he may not get the same value out of being 'labeled' that I would, but I do think there is great value is getting some things clarified, and having a realistic paradigm with which to view ourselves. He is telling me, now, that he knows he's different. Instead of knowing what you aren't, wouldn't it be helpful to know what and who you are?

I began looking at this child's differences when he was in 7th grade, however, his pediatrician, a therapist and his teachers all described him simply as very shy. It goes wayyy beyond that! I dropped things, after the professionals discounted what I was seeing. I still noticed his two younger siblings leap-frogging ahead of him, developmentally.

Now that his dad has the Dx, and my own reading during this whole process has led me to believe I also am an Aspie.

You are right about learning coping skills! I've read stuff both good and bad about asking for accommodations at college. I think I will take the approach that, since the stuff his dad's been Dx with is genetic, and you need to see someone about getting some meds for your depression and anxiety, wouldn't it be a good idea to see a psychiatrist about taking some psyche evaluations just to see what you're dealing with?

It seems to me that you have an excellent lead in for finding out what your son thinks about ASD, and if HE has already considered if he might have it: your husband's diagnosis. Ask him how he feels about that, if he knows it tends to run in families, and then see where HE takes the conversation. He is old enough and smart enough to make connections and decisions for himself, although it sounds likely he'll want your opinions and support.

To be honest, I'm not sure what formal diagnosis would get you at this point but there could be angles I'm not thinking about. All the potential pros and cons are worth thinking about, and I would be careful of the potential to be so strong in your opinion that he either just follows it, or feels corned and pushes against it: everyone needs to enter this process with an open mind.

DW,
you made some very good points, thank you! I'll start with the latter: yes! I can be very intense in regards to my opinion about getting Dx'ed. I took this same boy to the pediatrician in 7th grade, who vehemently denied anything amiss ... referred me to a therapist who declared son 'just very shy'.

It isn't what he's doing, it's what he's NOT DOING!

His dad is 56, ONLY NOW getting Dx, and only now admits he's always known he was different ... I've got wild feelings about being 'dupped' at the beginning, not knowing. I've been aware of shadow behaviors I guess I wasn't brave enough to face ...

AND: the ingrained habits as a way of coping are virtually impossible to break at this time. IF Son knew/admitted his differences, maybe he wouldn't have such low esteem, could learn to appreciate his diversity, etc. who knows!

I think you can make progress on those things without a formal diagnosis. Many people find the diagnostic process to be invasive, or fear it will be, so even if you get your son to see that he might have some AS traits, he may push back on taking it that far. If you focus on the issues you'd like him to get help with, and let those be the horse in the process, it may be smoother.

Remember that AS is a spectrum and they suspect dozens of genes are involved. Which means someone can have AS traits without being AS, and the label almost seems like an arbitrary dividing line at times. So you have to keep a lot of doors open at once if you want to find the best ways to help your son.

I wish you luck. Knowledge is a key!

I had a friend recently tell me how important it is to have these kids diagnosed before they turn 22. I could not understand her reasoning (she is in mental health).

does anyone know why?