The Flip Side

Post Reply New Topic

While taking lunch at the hospital where I work, I listened to a conversation between which I gathered to be the mother of a neurotypical girl and her companion. She was talking about how she resented the way another mom of a spectrum child forced her daughter on her shy, introverted NT girl. How her daughter needed emotional connection and could not thrive with someone on the spectrum - a person who was learning to mimic care and concern. I felt she was right and that she should find other friends for her daughter. It IS true that an aspie can actually drain the life out of NT people. Yet NT people can be equally cruel to aspies.
There's no mixing of the two. I personally feel that people do better with somebody closer to how they are. A high functioning aspie may get distressed over someone who functions less. An NT may be distressed over a high-functioning aspie. Some NT's are introverted and shy but there is a VAST difference between someone on the spectrum and a shy introvert. It's not the same thing. Not all NT's are social. The extreme end of being NT is called Wilson's disorder. Yes, an actual "disorder".

I think it depends on the child.

And my son does better than "mimic" care and concern: if he shows it, he feels it. I'm offended that someone would think that way about a child just because of a label.

The best friendships for my son have been self-secure NT's, and I never forced him on any of them.

I agree. My daughter is very caring and generous. Usually people who don't think she is don't know how to read her. And yet other people just assume she doesn't know how to read them--and that's true when they are less than honest and moral. She gets anxious because of their lies.

As far as I've seen, younger siblings are always annoying, and popular kids don't want to hang around (or be seen with) nerds. I think it's a power imbalance. But I've been really impressed at how well my older children deal with the one on the spectrum. They are getting better at finding things they enjoy to do with her. When they find her annoying they say they want to be left alone, or discreetly let me know so I can engage with her or encourage her to do something calming.

I think we could all learn to interact better with all people, and particularly with people who are "more" different from others. We all have to learn how to stretch our empathy.

J.

I dislike the generalization that "There's no mixing of the two". I would agree that no child should be forced to be "friends" with another child just because one or more adults in the situation thinks it is a good idea. But that could apply to ANY kids regardless of shape, size, color, neurological condition, ability level, gender... My ASD son has had a very tough time with another boy in his class who exhibits classic signs of Asperger's (to my knowledge the boy has no diagnosis). So even though the two boys probably share a common neurological disposition, I don't think they should be forced to be anything other than civil to each other. Actually, best case scenario for the two of them would be if they could ignore each other completely! They really rub each other the wrong way. On the opposite end, there is a very gregarious girl in his class who he gets along with very well. From what I can tell she is NT. He even tolerates her invading his space which is something he does not tolerate from most people. That is a friendship I will encourage though I would never pressure her or her parents to be my son's friend. I think probably the best we can do as parents is when we see a relationship that is working, encourage it if possible. We all just click with certain people and not with others. Our kids are perfectly capable of knowing when a relationship feels right and if we are being observant, we will see it tooo and can take steps to support that when it happens.

I concur with others in that I don't think all Aspies necessarily just get along...just as all NTs don't get along. I thought I had found the "perfect" friend for my son...this kid also had Aspergers, both were obsessed with Magic the Gathering cards and Harry Potter....he went over to the kids house a few times and vice versa...they seemed to have a good time -but a little while after that I got an email from the kids mom basically saying "My son wants to break up with your son". It was devastating to me but not my son...he said "well, I didn't like him that much anyway".

He now has a NT (but I suspect otherwise) that he gets along with incredibly well and he's known him for 5 years. Go figure.

And the part about mimicking care and concern made me laugh...my son doesn't fake anything (for the most part I think that's a good thing) ...if he doesn't feel it he doesn't do it. We've been trying to teach him about the social niceties -pretending to be interested when you're not, etc.) and he just doesn't get it.

"No mixing of the two?"

You're kidding right? Maybe we should all just compartmentalize ourselves and keep to our own kind then?

Blacks shouldn't mix with Whites. Hispanics should just stay to themselves. Autistics should stick with only Autistics, etc. etc. ad nauseum.

I'm sorry, but that's just a totally archaic way of thinking. Do you really believe that an NT associating with an Autistic is going to stunt her growth? If anything, the association with differing cultures (yes, Autism is just about the same as a culture), expands one's knowledge and perspectives. Not the opposite.

Also, I don't care what anyone says. "NT" means "neuro-typical" and even though the terms was originally coined by Autistics to refer to non-Autistics, what with it meaning "typical" it simply does NOT include atypical neurology. People with Wilson's Syndrome, are not NT. Not by a long shot.

Actually, one of the things that helps my son most is being in speech therapy groups that include NT kids. It helps him learn NT speech patterns and behavior. There are also other kids with AS, and it's remarkable how different their communication styles are - and that helps him, too.

What do the NT kids get out of this? Much the same thing my son does: an understanding that there are different ways to be and ways to communicate, and that sometimes communication breakdowns will happen and will need to be resolved. This isn't a skill that needs to be learned solely by AS kids, it's a life skill every person needs - and one of the best ways to develop it is to put kids together and help them through the steps of communicating.

Now, what it sounds like you heard (based only on what you wrote) was a gross misinterpretation of a problem: seems to me like the allegedly NT girl is probably not so NT (though I couldn't say in what way she's not typical, other than shyness) and the Mom isn't as good at setting boundaries as she is at laying blame. If something is not good for your child, you need to advocate for them, period. Pointing fingers and applying labels is singularly unhelpful in this situation.